Wednesday, 12 August 2009

New Dad No Sex

I write this post with the utmost respect to my wife, Lamb, and do not wish to put her in a bad light in any way. This is just something I have to get off of my chest. On Oprah the other day, she had a discussion going with mothers and the things mom’s do not usually admit to others and true and honest feelings about childbirth and children. One discussion was around resuming (gmph!) sex life after the birth of the baby. The women Oprah talked with gave all the usual (though valid and realistic) reasons of why new moms does not feel like having sex. I prepared myself for this before the birth as I have been forewarned by other new dads. What they didn’t tell me was for how loooong this was going to be. Now listening to my wife and the women on Oprah, gave me even more insight into this. The problem for me is not lack of understanding. The problem for me is I NEED MORE SEX! So I went and looked on the web for tips today. What, is this all, is there nothing else I can try? Here is some Great Dad tips I’ve found, but the author only state that maybe this will get you some – no guarantees... I’ve commented on each of them. 1. Break out the flowers and champagne. This one is a little too transparent to work more than once a month, but always worth a try. Done that. Most times I’ll get an honest thank you and get told how much I am appreciated. Nice, but no nooky. 2. Be a great dad. Actually, moms are turned on by strong men who can show they can take care of little kids. After putting the little one down for a nap, you might get one of your own. Try my levelest. Regularly get told that I am the greatest dad and she appreciates everything I do soooo much. Mmm still no nooky. 3. Plan your getaway. Yeah, it’s trite, but organizing a weekend away, including a relative to watch the kids, does wonders for a girl’s libido. You might even pack some toys. Done that. Went to Thabela Thabeng in the Vredefort Dome. THANK YOU B E T T Y FOR THE TIP!! Mother-in-law agreed to look after the baby for one night. It worked! Very nice break. Veeery nice nooky. But it was a month ago and it is not realistic to go away somewhere romantic 5 times a week. 4. Watch some smut. Casually leave a Cinemax-style soft core playing around bed time. You might be surprised that it gets her in the mood. Just don’t play anything too graphic. Well, to say that porn does not turn me on would be a lie. I just find it creates unrealistic expectations and does more for one’s fantasy life than for your actual sex life. Yes, before baby, Lamb could also get in the mood with some soft porn, but it is a route I am choosing not to go with. I crave meaningful sex with my wife, not a quick wank with only my fantasies. 5. Do the laundry and the dishes and make dinner. Women hate that stuff hanging over their heads. If she’s just getting home from work and it’s all done for once, she may have room in her brain for other things. I DO! Often! And I clean the house, and I do the washing! It is nice to hear how much she appreciates it. BUT ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS! 6. Throw out the bedroom TV. A study last year in Italy showed that couples who gave up TV in bed, doubled their sex per week. Never had a TV in the bedroom... Never will... 7. Don't expect much quickie sex. Unfortunately, it's less about animal lust these days. I am willing to fake 6 hours of foreplay if there had been any interest! 8. Stay in shape, shower up and be stay attractive to her. What's good for the goose... Mmm... I could do with slimming down a bit. 9. Don't push it. Don't whine about not getting any sex, or insist when she's not into it. That only will lead to bad feelings all around. You're going to have to be more artful here. Haven’t done this yet, but it is starting to get difficult not to whine. 10. Suggest baby #2 or #3. Nothing motivates a woman more than when she's trying to have a baby, as you will recall from baby #1. This is not recommended unless you are really ready for the next one Fuck dude, are you crazy!? When Lamb was pregnant she was horny as hell and we had fantastic sex and quite often, but I do not think suggesting another baby will do the trick right now. If there is any other new dads out there, you are welcome to either give tips which work, or commiserate.


angel said...

Oy... I feel for you Spear. I wish I had some advice.

momcat said...

If I can remember back breastfeeding hormones repress the sex drive but not sure if that is applicable here. However I do think that hormones may be the problem. Also there is nothing quite like being a mom to a baby like repressing the sex drive. Sex is an experience thing and we do get a lot better at it (like learning how to please oneself) as we get older. I do think maybe that you could try to talk to your wife about how you would like to be intimate a little more often and that you want her to also enjoy it. Find out if something is worrying her about sex or if something is turning her off. Sometimes tender communication is in itself a big turnon. Nights of cuddling and massage might encourage relaxation which might encourage sex. Dont forget that having a baby is a massive invasion of a womans body and includes all parts of her including her brain, feelings, hormones, and so on and every woman is different and will take different lengths of time to get back to normal. I really think that talking about it and really wanting to know is the key here. (PS sorry for the essay)

Tamara said...

Umm... I haven't had a baby yet, but as a woman I think talkign to her gently about it might work (not whining or guilting her, but rather saying you understand where she's at, but you love making love to her so much and you really miss that feeling of intimacy and would it be possible to have sex slightly more regularly again etc).

Hehehe... Just realised that you asked for advice from other new dads and instead got it from three women ;-)

Anonymous said...

I think that you are a wonderful partner and that your wife is lucky to have you. I had a baby yrs ago and I can tell you from my experience that as the woman it is different after a baby and that you have to work harder at seeing yourself as a sexual being. I remember that I struggled to go from mother to lover in an instant. I remember feeling that my body was no longer my own. I remember feeling very tired all the time. In my experience (it could be different for other women) I battled to be/feel sexual for the whole time that I was breastfeeding. I no longer saw my boobs as a sexual part of me. They were food for the baby and I couldn't handle my partner touching them in a sexual way. Luckily I only breastfed for months. My advice to you would be to talk to your wife gently. The mind is the most important sexual organ and you are going to have to help her slowly ease into her new role as sexy mama.
It could take some time but you'll get there.
Sorry for this long comment.
Ps...Everything that has ever been written about the pill suppressing libido is true. Only now that I'm off it do I see that. Perhaps you and she could chat to her gynae about the possibility of looking into alternative options for birth control.