Wednesday, 19 August 2009

The things men don’t talk about

The previous two post made me realise again that there are so many things men don’t talk about. I want to thank Spear the Almighty though for commenting honestly. I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea, think the strongest deterrent for men not to talk about certain subjects like sex, money, their jobs, religion etc has to do with vulnerability. Oh, men talk about sex, money, their jobs and religion all the time and yet they don’t talk about it at all. Yes, we brag about conquests, and make jokes. We will tell others of how good we are at our jobs, what an idiots our boss/colleagues are. We will say that one should avoid the topic of religion, but we comment on it all the time. We don’t however say that the sex drought after the baby came, touches the core of our masculinity. Although with our minds we understand (or try to) what our wives are going through, somewhere deep inside a little voice says – maybe she’s not into me anymore. And THAT makes me insecure and makes me feel vulnerable. We will talk as if it is all about the act and ‘I-gave-it good-to-her’, but we never express the need for an unreserved response in lovemaking. For that unreserved response is THE single most powerful affirmation of who and what I am right to the core of my being. We never tell anyone of how our job situations makes us feel apprehensive about the future. I’ve never told anybody that when I was without a job, I felt castrated and lesser of a man. I am after all the provider – never mind that my wife works as well and contributes financially to the household. Let me also use this to start my anti-feminist rally. These things I am talking about might be sneered at by feminists who find the frail male ego laughable. Well, let me tell you. Stuff like job & position being linked to ego and feelings of masculinity comes included with the package of having a dick and balls. Laugh at it if you want - but young or old, macho or meek, gay or straight – men measure their worth by the jobs they do. They also measure others with the same stick. And yes, despite what we project to the outside, our egos are frail. We will (sometimes) tell others of our religious convictions, but we will very seldom tell anyone of our real religious feelings and experiences. I don’t believe in feminism as I do not condone chauvinism. I am a firm believer of equality between the sexes, but I also believe just as a ton of gold and a ton of platinum differ in volume and composition, equality does not mean sameness. I believe differences should be celebrated and nurtured. And this does not mean putting someone in a man-mould or a woman-mould. It is the difference between encouraging and criticizing. I’ve found, contrary to what I have ever believed and found to be rational, that talking about stuff men don’t talk about has made me feeling less vulnerable instead of more, coz I ain’t got no more secrets some can ‘discover’ and hurt me with. I’ve put it in the open and if you don’t like it, well you simply don’t like it.


momcat said...

Good for you, Spear for getting your feelings out in the open. I have heard something of this before but just as men dont always understand the whole hormones and childbirth thing of women although they have to acknowledge it is there, so I acknowledge your attachment to your career, etc. I really dont enjoy playing the role of a feminist but I find myself becoming very defensive when confronted by chauvinism.

Spear said...

Hey momcat! I miss your posts! Glad you're still commenting though!

Tamara said...


Equal, but different. That's what I reckon too.

momcat said...

Hey Spear Thanks for the shoutout. I miss my posting too but just as stress causes me to stop eating (!) so it also causes me to stop posting. Back soon though!

angel said...

That was a very open and honest read Hard Spear.

I truly hope, and I think a lot of women like me, who are in relationships where the sex is good, truly hope that if they have a baby- things won't be too bad afterwards... as I do.

Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed reading this. It made me think.
btw...I came here from Angel's blog. My son and husband are ADD so I like reading about your issues because it gives me a better idea of what is really going on in their minds.
I don't have a blog of my own. Yet.