Hardspear's Master Cleanse: Day 7 - Friday

I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea, am proud to declare that I have lasted 6 days on the Master Cleanse (Lemonade Diet).  I did aim for 10 days, but alas, for someone who thinks food, have a passion for cooking, who reads recipe- and cookbooks for leisure, who lives for and dreams of the next culinary success, to NOT eat for 6 days is a major fait accompli.  I also did stop smoking in the process.

So what happened?  It was late afternoon on Day 6 and I sat in an important meeting in which our team was discussing an important deadline for Monday.  I was feeling very low on energy and my concentration was totally shot.  All I heard was blah, blah, blah – Hardspear needs to blah, blah, blah and Hardspear has agreed to blah, blah, blah before close of business.  It was someone’s going away function earlier the day and there was some snacks left in our open plan office.  I got up in the middle of the meeting, walked out of the boardroom, went to the office ate a LITTLE of the snacks, drank a cup of coffee and re-joined the meeting.  I surreptitiously ascertained what the blah, blah, blah was and started executing on the blah, blah, blah.  I simply cannot afford not to have all my wits in one place from now till Monday.

In the evening I had a bowl of the lovely vegetable soup which I made earlier in the week.  Delicious.  I could feel the goodness seeping into every molecule of my body.  I also had a cup of yoghurt and a gut-flora tablet to re-establish and start re-populate all the good bacteria necessary for a healthy digestive system.

I walk away from this:

·         Feeling lighter

·         Feeling happier

·         Having lost 5 kilos

·         Tummy shrunk noticeably

·         Clothes fit looser

·         Stopped Smoking

·         Determined to continue henceforth eating healthier and smaller portions

·         Determined to start exercising.

So what to do with the left over Maple Syrup?  Well, I am already devising a recipe for Caramel Pecan Cupcakes with Maple Syrup, Mascarpone & Pistachio Icing.

Hardspear's Master Cleanse: Day 6 - Thursday

I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea nearly went mad last night.  I craved food so bad, I nearly lost it.  In the end I had to make a choice…  Either I quit, or I try some workaround to preserve my sanity.  I decided on the workaround.  I put a teaspoon of Bovril into a cup of hot water and drank the resulting lovely salty and savoury broth.  Immediately the Giant Pizzas stopped floating in front of my eyes.  I am not happy that I ‘cheated’ but I still feel good that I haven’t quit…  After today, only four more days… Then two days to ‘come off’ of the diet and then I am getting myself a gourmet pizza from Piza e Vino or Doppio Zero!

My concentration is all over the place – I have not taken Ritalin in 6 days.  Of course this does not bother me, but I can see I get to my colleagues a bit…  Luckily they think I am wonky because of the diet.

Oh… before I forget… Day 6 – Weighing in at 105.

Hardspear's Master Cleanse: Day 5 - Wednesday

Weighing in at 106 kg.  I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea am shitting what I haven’t eaten.  (Or perhaps I did eat it, only a year ago!).  It is amazing what comes out even after having nothing to eat for 4 days…

I am starting to get bored with this lemonade thing, to the extent that I actually look forward to my cup of laxative tea in the evenings, just because it is hot and tastes different…  But, mind over matter.  I will finish this thing.  I think the benefits and rewards will be worth the while.

Hardspear's Master Cleanse: Day 4 - Tuesday

Weighing in at 107 kg. My kidneys ached during the night.  My ankle which sometimes gives me problems is also sore.  Apart from that I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea am feeling quite good.  Had to catch a 6 o’ clock flight, ran around all day and had a slight craving for a cigarette for the first time in 4 days.  Landed at Lanseria again at 18:10 and back home just before 19:00.  The food cravings are not so bad during the day anymore (the first two days were terrible), but I tend to get hungry in the evenings.

I had a very good day yesterday (day 3).  I decided to make my vegetable soup for when I have to start eating again.  (Since you cannot start on solids straight away after having eaten nothing for 10 days, you have to start with orange juice on day 1 and 2 after the diet and on the evening of day 2 one can start to have vegetable soup).  I feel that I would need some serious nutrition by then, so I made a strong beef stock from scratch.  This took 4 hours.  I then sautéed onion, carrot and celery in my largest pot until it caramelized.  To that I added my lovely beef stock and a truck load of vegetables.  I simmered that for two hours and dished out half of the vegetables and blitzed it with a blending stick and poured it back.  The result – thick vegetable soup with whole chunks of veg still in.  I then put it in containers and stuck it in the freezer for when I am coming off of the diet…

Hardspear's Master Cleanse: Day 3 Monday (Public Holiday)

Weighing in at 108.  Phew!  Picked up 1, lost 2 – therefore down one in total.

I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea woke up on the dreaded DAY THREE (everyone says day 3 is the worst) feeling actually quite good.

Did salt water flush (with lemon).  Poop looked like deep yellow oil.  Disgusting.

I was very sleepy and tired on day one and two.  Really feel much better today.  Hope I feel good tomorrow.  I will be flying to some bumblefuck nowhere place for work in a small charter plane in the morning and back in the afternoon.

My slight double chin seems barely noticeable today, but I do feel hungry…

Hardspear's Master Cleanse: Day 2 - Sunday

Weighing in at 110.2 kg.  WTF?  I PICKED UP 1.2 kgs!  I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea will try to drink more water as well.

The salt water flush is working, despite me putting in lemon juice.  I just cannot drink a litre of salt water without flavouring it with at least a bit of lemon.

I don’t know how to say this in English…  Ek is meer LUS vir kos as wat ek regtig honger is.  I am not really hungry, but I am salivating if I think of Pizza.

We went to buy groceries today. It was pure torture.  I was very sleepy and tired yesterday and today, but I do not feel too bad.  Tried to take a nap this afternoon – didn’t work.  Had to pee to every 5 seconds.

Late afternoon I told Lamb that I am going to get us a DVD.  I feel tense and need to relax.  Also I am thinking of pizza all the time.  I could not believe my ears when Lamb asked me to stop at Mimmo’s and bring her a pizza…

The rest of the evening was unadulterated agony.  The smell of the pizza driving back in my car was torment.  I tried not to watch as she ate the pizza.  I was very close to giving in.

I am actually starting to look forward to my laxative tea in the evenings.  I think it is mainly because it is ingesting something hot.

Muscles ache a bit.  Kidneys feel sore.

Never watched the DVD in the end…

Hardspear's Master Cleanse: Day 1 - Saturday

Day 1 – Saturday

Early AM.  I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea not sleep too well.  Woke up early.  Tummy roiling with rich food, too much drink and the effects of the laxative tea.

Weighing in at 109 kg.

I switched on my computer to get the directions for the salt water flush I am supposed to do and to make my first bottle of “LEMONADE”.  Two teaspoons of sea salt (I am using Himalayan rock salt) on a quart of water.  I look up “quart”.  FUCK…  It is nearly a litre!  Made the schtuff.  Gagged on the second swallow.  Added juice of half a lemon.  I am sure I am not supposed to, but the lemon juice did the trick and I managed to force it down.

No coffee…  No cigarettes, no sleep, no light, no sound.  Nothing to eat… well I do have a book to read…

The “LEMONADE” does taste good.

Late PM.  Friends invited us to breakfast at the Spur (so the girls can play while the grownups eat).  I was strong.  Did not eat.  The hardest part was not having coffee.

I do get hungry, but I seem to miss eating more.

Hardspear's Master Cleanse: T-3 to 1 and counting...

Wednesday T-3 and counting…

Feeling better emotionally.

Thursday T-2 and counting..

Scared. Master Cleanse is weighing on my mind. Will I be able to do it. Tuesday I will be flying somewhere. I get nauseous on a plane? I will not be able to take anything. Maybe I can take ginger tea?

Friday T-1 and counting…

It is my birthday! I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea am turning 39 today. We’ve invited friends over for dinner and I made La Queue de Bœuf des Vignerons (Oxtail as cooked by the winegrowers). It is basically oxtail stewed with white grapes. Had a number of Jim Beam Black’s with soda before dinner and quite a few glasses of red wine with dinner. The guests were super impressed with the meal, which imho was simply the best oxtail I have ever had. Thanks to Mrs. Elizabeth David who always provides a trusty recipe. This one is from her classic book – French Provincial cooking.

Tomorrow is lift-off, so I had my cup of laxative tea before I went to bed.

Hardspear's Master Cleanse T-7 to 4 and counting

I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea have decided to go on the Master Cleanse detox diet (also known as the lemonade diet).  I am allowing 1 week to prepare mentally and get everything I need. 

For a minimum of 10 days I will only take 6 glasses a day of “lemonade” made with real organic Canadian maple syrup, freshly squeezed lemon juice and a little cayenne pepper mixed with purified water.  No food, no supplements, no nothing.  It also involves drinking water with salt each morning to assist in flushing out schtuff and taking laxative tea in the evenings. 

Preparation for the Master Cleanse:  T minus n and counting… 

Saturday T-7 and counting… 

My wife (Lamb) wanted to go to Jo’burg to buy a nesting mirror from Hadeda Marketing in Jan Smuts Drive in Rosebank.  I dropped her there and went to look for Fresh Earth Health shop in Emmarentia.  2 Different Google searches pointed me there.  One… They sell Bragg’s Cider Vinegar (containing the Vinegar Mother)  I am going to try to fish out the Vinegar Mother and add it to red wine to make my own red wine vinegar. 

Two… They sell large bottles of B-grade Canadian Maple Syrup, which I need for the Master Cleanse I am starting in a week’s time.  Since I have an internal GPS, I found the store on my first try without looking up the address.

I bought the vinegar, maple syrup, Himalayan rock salt and a Grow-your-own Pink Oyster Mushroom kit as a belated birthday gift for my friend Army Man who has green fingers and a lovely vegetable garden.  Fuck the maple syrup is expensive.  Picked Lamb and my little girl Image up again and had lunch at JB’s Corner at Melrose Arch. 

Sunday T-6 and counting…

Made french toast and Bacon for breakfast.  Stole a little bit of the Maple Syrup.  Oh my goodness… the syrupy maple sweetness with the salty smokiness of the bacon and the soft squiginess of the french toast was pure heaven (How’s that Nigella?) 

Monday T-5 and counting…

Woke up depressed and got more depressed as the morning progressed.  I cannot see my dick unless I lean forward to peer over the great expanse of my large gut.  I feel bloated and fat and my shirt stretches over my tummy.  I feel tired and ssstuhRESSED out.  We have a work function and Madame Zingara’s tonight (Monte Casino).  Phoned Lamb and asked her to go and buy me a snazzy shirt (XXL) *ashamed* for tonight.  Smoked too much.  Feel guilty cos Lamb thinks I quit. 

Despite my emotional hubris I made a mental list of what I will not be able to put in my mouth whilst on the Master Cleanse:

1.   Food

2.   Coke

3.   Fruit Juice

4.   Ritalin

5.   Blood pressure meds

6.   Cholesterol meds

7.   Cigarettes

8.   Scotch

9.   Bourbon

10. Red Wine

I am more determined than ever to complete the Master Cleanse

 The lights were out on the William Nicol offramp from the N1 and I was nearly late, but Madame Zingara’s was a blast!  Bought a wig which is supposed to look like a David Bowie mullet.  He must have a very narrow head, since it looked more like a Tina Turner hairdo on me.  We had a ripsnorter time! The food was real good (not fantastic, but real good still).  We had ao a bottle of Rupert & Rothschild, which I found a little insipid.  I asked Cathy Specific if I can have a picture taken with her.  “I thought you’d never ask,” she replied in her deep baritone voice.  So there I was having a photo taken with Cathy Specific’s firm foam rubber breasts pressed against me. 

Tuesday T-4 and counting…

Slight headache from too much red wine.  The Master Cleanse will only be the start of a healthier lifestyle.  Quit Smoking.  Start exercising, eat less & better.

Sausages braised in cider with super-comfort mash

I, J Hardspear de la Azotea have tried in vain to stick to a diet. (Neither can my wife Lamb). Recently when I took our little Image for her 18 months shots, the clinic sister weighed her as usual. Now the growth chart the sister keeps is printed on graph paper and contains 3 curved lines – a bottom, middle & top curve. Its meaning is obvious. Since Image’s birth she followed the middle curve. At 1 year Image’s line moved to the top curve. Now at 18 months it shot up to some distance above the top curve. Lamb and I are very good at rationalising. So we told ourselves that Image has De la Azotea genes, as well those of as our forefathers (and foremothers) who was Swarts, Van Aswegens, Le Roux’s etc. All being big boned Boere-people. Ja, little Image is tall for her age and sturdy. Rather sturdy than a frail sickly little thing, so we say. Yet at the back of my mind, I am resolved not to raise a fat child. So...what shall we do? Lamb and I have started to become uncomfortable with the size of our respective tummies and our child over-achieves on her growth chart...

A while back my friend Army Man gave me a book by Jessica Seinfeld (Jerry’s wife) called Deceptively Delicious. In this book Mrs. Seinfeld describes her worry over her children (and husband) not eating their veggies – so she started pureeing veggies and putting it into everything – from Mac & Cheese to Chocolate Brownies. The book comes with all her recipe’s and her family’s comments on them.

So with this in mind, on Monday night I started cooking up a storm. Lamb and I love our veggies, but still putting certain pureed stuff in dishes apparently lowers the GI etc etc. My reasoning is that if we all have 3 healthy, hearty (but not diety) meals per day, with healthy snacks in between – we should have results. Basically our eating patterns have been unhealthy and we eat too much snacks and sweets and take-outs. I further reason that 3 healthy square meals will reduce our cravings for bad stuff and empty kilojoules. (Have you ever noticed that you can gorge yourself on KFC, but be hungry again within 90 minutes after the overindulgence?). As usual, I start out over-enthusiastic, so Monday night I cooked a curry and a beef stew for Lamb and me. For Image I cooked a Ragout D’Agneau (lamb stew), spring chicken stew and savoury mince. I put tins of mixed beans (red kidney, chickpea, small white etc) in everything. In ours I kept the veggies and beans whole, but in Image’s I pureed it, but kept the meat & chicken in small cubes. All of it turned out delicious. I divided everything in portions and stuck it in the freezer. Image loves all of it and we already had one of the curries. Last night I used this principle again and made this pork sausages braised in cider with super-comfort mash:

(again, I wish I was a better photographer - it looks more attractive in real-life)

I used Basil and Sundried Tomato Pork Sausages from Woolworths 1 bottle cider 1 onion quartered olive oil 1 tsp good quality powered beef stock 1 level tablespoon corn flour 1 cup cold water 2 potatoes 1 sweet potato ½ can mixed beans 1 fresh clove of garlic crushed 1 tablespoon butter. Preheat oven to 180˚C. Use a saucepan or something which can go in the oven. I used a cast iron pot (used to belong to my Mom’s aunt). Brown the sausages and onion in olive oil. Add the cider and bring to a simmer. Put uncovered in oven for 30 mins. In the meanwhile peel and cube potatoes and sweet potato. Boil in salted water for 20 mins or until soft. Take out of pot and keep aside. Puree the beans. Sauté the garlic in the butter in same pot in which you have boiled the potatoes. (do this very briefly – garlic burns easily) Add the potatoes and bean puree back in the pot and mash. By this time the cider would have reduced considerably. Put sausages back on stovetop. Sprinkle beef stock over. Mix the corn flour with cold water and pour over the sausages. Stir carefully and give just enough heat for sauce to thicken. Serve sausages with mash & cider gravy and slices of fresh pineapple. The cider gives the gravy a wonderful hint of sweetness. Try different brands of ciders. This one this one gets a good ranking on my list of winter comfort foods!

Noooooo!

I had to go to my boss' house after work yesterday to help him with something. We had a few drinks together and he has a bit of a heavy hand with the whiskey. I hadn't eaten since breakfast, I was too busy. 4 very strong whiskeys later, I went home. I had extreme munchies and stopped at KFC. Gorged myself on Kentucky Fried Chicken. It was extra delicious. This morning I am not happy with myself however. I promised myself, no junk food till I reach my goal weight.

I know I shouldn't, but I feel a bit frazzled out, so I took double dose Ritalin this morning. My doctor will strangle me should he find out. He is very particular on not deviating from the prescribed dose, because he really takes trouble to determine the correct dosage for each patient. I know he is right though, I did quite a bit of reading myself on the topic.

Falling off the Diet Wagon

I am so disgusted with myself. I’ve been dieting for two weeks. Lost a lot of weight and centimetres during the first week, but nothing the second. I really stuck to the diet during the week, but the weekend I just went mad. All my hard work in vain. This morning I swam a kilometre in the gym pool (40x 25m laps) to try to compensate. Exactly the same happened to Lamb, my wife. She also lost a lot during the first week, but nothing the second. We went to her mum’s for the weekend and the old lady stuffed us with food, cakes and dessert.