Hardspear's Master Cleanse T-7 to 4 and counting

I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea have decided to go on the Master Cleanse detox diet (also known as the lemonade diet).  I am allowing 1 week to prepare mentally and get everything I need. 

For a minimum of 10 days I will only take 6 glasses a day of “lemonade” made with real organic Canadian maple syrup, freshly squeezed lemon juice and a little cayenne pepper mixed with purified water.  No food, no supplements, no nothing.  It also involves drinking water with salt each morning to assist in flushing out schtuff and taking laxative tea in the evenings. 

Preparation for the Master Cleanse:  T minus n and counting… 

Saturday T-7 and counting… 

My wife (Lamb) wanted to go to Jo’burg to buy a nesting mirror from Hadeda Marketing in Jan Smuts Drive in Rosebank.  I dropped her there and went to look for Fresh Earth Health shop in Emmarentia.  2 Different Google searches pointed me there.  One… They sell Bragg’s Cider Vinegar (containing the Vinegar Mother)  I am going to try to fish out the Vinegar Mother and add it to red wine to make my own red wine vinegar. 

Two… They sell large bottles of B-grade Canadian Maple Syrup, which I need for the Master Cleanse I am starting in a week’s time.  Since I have an internal GPS, I found the store on my first try without looking up the address.

I bought the vinegar, maple syrup, Himalayan rock salt and a Grow-your-own Pink Oyster Mushroom kit as a belated birthday gift for my friend Army Man who has green fingers and a lovely vegetable garden.  Fuck the maple syrup is expensive.  Picked Lamb and my little girl Image up again and had lunch at JB’s Corner at Melrose Arch. 

Sunday T-6 and counting…

Made french toast and Bacon for breakfast.  Stole a little bit of the Maple Syrup.  Oh my goodness… the syrupy maple sweetness with the salty smokiness of the bacon and the soft squiginess of the french toast was pure heaven (How’s that Nigella?) 

Monday T-5 and counting…

Woke up depressed and got more depressed as the morning progressed.  I cannot see my dick unless I lean forward to peer over the great expanse of my large gut.  I feel bloated and fat and my shirt stretches over my tummy.  I feel tired and ssstuhRESSED out.  We have a work function and Madame Zingara’s tonight (Monte Casino).  Phoned Lamb and asked her to go and buy me a snazzy shirt (XXL) *ashamed* for tonight.  Smoked too much.  Feel guilty cos Lamb thinks I quit. 

Despite my emotional hubris I made a mental list of what I will not be able to put in my mouth whilst on the Master Cleanse:

1.   Food

2.   Coke

3.   Fruit Juice

4.   Ritalin

5.   Blood pressure meds

6.   Cholesterol meds

7.   Cigarettes

8.   Scotch

9.   Bourbon

10. Red Wine

I am more determined than ever to complete the Master Cleanse

 The lights were out on the William Nicol offramp from the N1 and I was nearly late, but Madame Zingara’s was a blast!  Bought a wig which is supposed to look like a David Bowie mullet.  He must have a very narrow head, since it looked more like a Tina Turner hairdo on me.  We had a ripsnorter time! The food was real good (not fantastic, but real good still).  We had ao a bottle of Rupert & Rothschild, which I found a little insipid.  I asked Cathy Specific if I can have a picture taken with her.  “I thought you’d never ask,” she replied in her deep baritone voice.  So there I was having a photo taken with Cathy Specific’s firm foam rubber breasts pressed against me. 

Tuesday T-4 and counting…

Slight headache from too much red wine.  The Master Cleanse will only be the start of a healthier lifestyle.  Quit Smoking.  Start exercising, eat less & better.

Lady Gaga Beefsteak, lychee and sheep’s milk cheese salad with green mango achar and lime dressing

J'veux ton amour
Et je veux ton revenge

You cannot possibly imagine how good this is. I do not have Nigella’s vocabulary, but I’ll try.

So, I have decided to take better food photos. And yes, not perfect, but much better than previous attempts:

I’ve mentioned in a previous post that blood-rare beefsteak salad is my favourite ‘alone’ food. It is quick, easy and really very... VERY good. I make a different variation every time.
Due to the lots of rain we had Angel had to postpone her birthday party and Lamb and I couldn’t make the new date. Lamb & Image went to visit grandma, so I was home alone.

Part of Angel’s gift would have been the most delicious sheep’s milk cheese I picked up in Smithfield in the Southern Free State. The Smithfield farmer who produces these cheeses is a woman and she won loads of prizes for this cheese. It is called Ovis Angelica – heavenly sheep’s milk cheeses. As Angel’s Angelical Sheep’s Milk Cheese went into my salad – alas, only the inedible part of her birthday gift survived.

So here’s what went into J. Hardspear de la Azotea’s Man Salad for 1 hungry man. *I’m a free BASTARD baby!*

1 large thick cut rump steak. We South Africans love our rump steak. It may not be as tender as rib-eye (The Americans like this one), or fillet (tenderloin), but it definitely s’got loads more flavour and if you do not overcook it, it is tender enough. The Brits & Jamie Oliver agree with me on this one

MARINADE (PAPArazzi)
grated rind & juice of 1 lime
half a teaspoon grated fresh ginger
crushed clove of garlic
sprinkling of Thai Seven Spice
1 table spoon of soy sauce
1 table spoon of sunflower oil

Marinade the steak in this for 15 mins. Take out and pat dry with kitchen towels. Heat cast iron griddle pan till very hot (the air should start making waves above the pan). Sear the steak for about a minute or two on each side and put in a clean plate to rest.

THE SALAD (Oh boy you’ve left me speechless!)
I used a bag of mixed leaves containing a mix of mild- and strong flavoured schtuff – butter lettuce, radiccio, rocket etc.
skinned and pitted fresh lychees
carrot shavings
spring onion

THE CHEESE (Retro Dance Freak)
Ovis Angelica’s Labneh cheese. Labneh is a Middle Eastern yoghurt cheese. It is formed into small balls and preserved in bottles filled with oil. It has a soft crumbly texture and tastes very creamy and ever so slightly acidic.

THE DRESSING (In your brown eyes)
The juice of 1 – 2 limes
1 table spoon of green mango atchar + extra little bit of the oil from the atchar. (In South Africa we call Indian Pickles – Atchar)
1 table spoon of soy sauce
Mix well

Assemble the salad in a large flat serving dish, carve the meat in thin slivers, add the juices which collected in the plate to the dressing and drizzle dressing over. The combination of crunchy leaves, tender, near raw strips of meat, the delicate fragrant translucent white flesh of the lychees, the creamy cheese and the piquant, astringency & sourness of the dressing, makes for a most satisfying experience of tastes, textures, flavours and aromas.

I had a bottle of Jacobsdal Pinotage during the preparation and consumption of this salad. This salad is best eaten with your body sprawled on the couch with the serving dish on your chest, fork in one hand, glass of wine in the other and your big toe operating the DVD remote on the coffee table. Preferably a lekker Action or SciFi movie playing. I watched Inception and thought it to be a really good movie.

“En soos Tibbie sê: “Hierie wyn is Goddelik!”

Alehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhandro! Do you know you love me boy, hot - just like Mexico!

I am decidedly drunk now, so with dick in hand I salute you! [Telephone – Lady Gaga & Beyonce together is enough to make me come in my Hemishphere cut-off jeans.] My chest (and tummy) may be too big for Truworths man but my waist ain’t not!!

Penile Plethysmograph, the Penis Polygraph or Dick Lie Detector

Oh, I do not know whether it is a good thing or not that you cannot pick up one of these from Dischem or not. A Penile Plethysmograph is a device which measures changes in blood flow in the penis. There are two types. One is like a blood pressure monitor which involves an inflatable cuff and mercury and the other an airtight tube which is inserted over the penis and measures the displacement of air. Basically it boils down to being a hard-on detector. Why on earth would you want that? Well it is for one used to detect sexual arousal at the presentation of certain stimuli. It was developed in the 50’s in the former Czechoslovakia when they threw you in prison if you were gay. So if any doubt existed, they connected the guy in question’s member to this contraption, showed him homosexual pornography and if he dared to wood, he got thrown into jail. Today it is still used in many countries with paedophiles, though there is a lot of controversy over the validity of the test results, and is often not regarded as admissible evidence in court. It is also used to measure progress after certain types of surgery to correct erectile dysfunction. I knew a couple once, the girl was a bit of a control freak. When they used to watch movies (Mainstream NOT porn) and if there happened to be a love scene in the movie, the girl would feel between the guy’s legs, and woe betide him should there even be the slightest stirring. I think she would have loved to have a penile plethysmograph. When I stumbled upon this on the Net, I had such a good laugh. It is one of those topics which can make your imagination run wild...