Thursday, 9 July 2009
Father, you know that I don’t like to pray in front of other people, for it makes me feel vulnerable. Please understand then how much I need You today. I thought that I’ve bared my soul to my online friends many times before, but I know that I have not really done so. As I was passing the Christian bookshop today, You made me go in. A place I’ve never felt comfortable in. Suddenly in there I needed to find something which is going to make everything right again. You know that when I watched that Fireproof movie a while back, I thought that it was a good story, but just a tad to preachy for my liking. Yet, I walked out of that shop with a copy of the Love Dare book from that movie. I gather You want me to start with my marriage. I don’t think that that is the biggest problem in my life right now, but I’ll trust You on this. You know I have the attention span of a gnat. Still I am going to do this 40 day dare with sincerity and vigour. You know that You are going to have to help, however. You have put me on this track, and I commit with all my heart, but I am going to need You very close. Why couldn’t You have kept me close all the while? Why must I drift away during good times and why must I hit a low before You pull me back? You know that I consider myself to be blessed with a child-like faith in You, even when I am far from You. You know that I never ever doubt that You are the true and only God. But You also know that I have ADD and that I have MAJOR problems with authority, even Yours. I HATE to be told what to do (and not to do). You made me and therefore You know that I will very easily do the opposite of what being told. You also know of the subsequent regret, remorse and guilt I experience. I know You gave me the ability to choose, but You also know how self-deterministic I am and that I consider ME to be the one who makes decisions about me and my life. YOU KNOW THAT! I KNOW THAT! I’VE JUST NEVER ADMITTED IT TO YOU OR ANYONE ELSE! I’ve admitted it now though and with all humility I come before You and I tell you that I will listen and I will do. I am not bargaining with You but I will ask this... Can’t you try a different tack with me like a father or mother would try something different with a wayward child? Because You know that is what I am. Today I am not asking for a new job or anything, the things I ask is that inner joy and peace [sob] of which You speak of and that You help me with this Love Dare and that I be totally unselfish with my motives in doing it. Do You know that people perceive Christians as dull and grey and ineffectual and weak and as wimps and hypocritical and sanctimonious and judgemental? I don’t want to be seen like that! I want to be seen as a man of courage! Surely Moses and David and Caleb and Joseph and Peter and Paul were no wimps? Some of them died for You! Please make me a modern day Christian with strength and integrity! Since I was little and I’ve asked You to come and live in my heart, this is the most honest and sincere prayer I’ve ever prayed. Please listen to my heart today. May Your Holy Spirit help me please and I ask for forgiveness for all my wrongdoings. Forgive me also for not thanking You, for yet another miracle You’ve affected in the life of my sister. In Jesus’ Name Amen.