Tuesday, 6 April 2010

From Ennui to Insouciance and crappy birthdays

Today I start a brand new journey, one which I call ‘From Ennui to Insouciance’. I will keep you posted. Today I am not having the best of birthdays. I feel really, well I do not know what I feel. I do not have the right words today. I feel bad that I cannot seem to get over my Mom’s passing away. I tell myself that I am a grown man (37 today) and that I should cope better. I should cherish all the good and wonderful memories, but I am sad beyond words. I now realise the power of a mother’s prayers, since I feel the absence of my Mother’s prayers in my life. I know my Dad prays for us, and I know God listens. It is just that no one worries as much about their children as a mom does. I believe a mom’s prayers for her children are so deep, that her soul talks to God directly. February was a very bad month for me in terms of dealing with my Mom not being here anymore. During March I felt that I am moving on and making progress. I felt that it is a reality that she is gone and I am OK with that. Then came the 1st anniversary of her birthday on 29 March. I have been extremely sad since then. And now, on my birthday today, I am quite a mess. And I cannot afford it. It is a very important day on our project. I have also come to realise that crying exacerbates sinusitis exponentially. To top it all, I had a culinary disaster yesterday. I made my famous individual blueberry cheesecakes. Whilst busying myself with the rest of the birthday lunch I planned to bring to work, I realized that I missed an ingredient for the salmon & tapenade wraps. I quickly popped out to the shop. When I got back, smoke was coming from the oven. My cheesecakes were ruined.
Today's weather only contributes to my dreary feelings. Here is a (bad) photo – I took it with my cell phone.


Momcat said...

Best wishes for your birthday, Spear. I didn't say happy but I hope it does improve for you. All these first anniversaries are going to be a bitter experience for you and your family. My thoughts are with you.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry your birthday wasn't wonderful Spear... and I am sorry I'm late popping round to wish you.
You are allowed to grieve your mom dude, it will take a while- especially if you were close.

Tamara said...

Sorry, Spear. That sounds awful. I hope that the year ahead is one of healing and many happy times.

Spear The Almighty said...

Good luck mate.