Circumcision Foreskins and Julius Malema

Circumcision Foreskins and Julius Malema. Eventually someone managed to rattle that idiot Julius Malema. I know this is old news already, but this is classic ADD. A topic will get stuck in you head and even if everybody else have moved on, you’re still there. That idiot Julius Malema have been insulting the world and his wife and getting away with it. Now he is upset because Helen Zille called him an Inkwenkwe. It is a Xhosa word for ‘boy’, but it also implies an uncircumcised boy who has not yet been through the traditional Xhosa Initiation Rites. It boils down to meaning someone with no authority whom should not be taken seriously. Now that idiot Julius Malema claims that Helen Zille is going below the belt with her comments. While we’re on the topic… I am getting mortally tired and unutterably weary of the whole circumcision discussion. Open a Men’s Health, FHM, Esquire etc and you’ll find a debate on circumcision. To the participants of this debate, I want to say: “You have a penis, for crying out loud! Stand up and be counted as a man and stop crying whether you should have an extra piece of skin or not!” One of the strangest relics that existed in the Roman Catholic Church surely must be the Holy Prepuce. The Holy Prepuce was believed to be Christ’s foreskin which was kept as a relic after he was circumcised according to Jewish Custom. At some stage hundreds of little pieces of shrivelled skin all claiming to be the Holy Prepuce existed all over Europe. This may have been one of the reasons why the Catholic Church at some point in time proclaimed the Holy Prepuce not to be a relic any longer. I am not one for poetry. I don’t get it. Maybe I am to shallow. The only form of poetry I like is limericks. Some won’t even call it poetry, as it is a type of rhyme really. Here is one of my favourites, dealing with the topic at hand: There was a man from Bombay who fashioned a cunt out of clay the heat of his prick then turned it to brick and chafed all his foreskin away. We weren’t married long when I had to go for a sinus operation. When I came to from the anaesthesia (I am told) I pulled all the IVs from my arm, making a bloody mess. I started swearing at the nurses and the moment I saw Lamb I asked her whether they circumcised me while I was under. Only when she assured me that they didn’t I calmed down, after which I told her that I was hungry and wanted food that very instant. Luckily I don’t remember any of this. So this is me on the topic of circumcision, foreskins and Julius Malema.

Baconnaise

Baconnaise is the ultimate bacon flavoured spread. Use it on sandwiches, salads, dips, sauces, chicken, fish & fries. Vegetarian safe – So proclaims the product’s website http://www.baconnaise.com/. How is this for a success story? To guys from the US, Justin & Dave, developed bacon flavoured salt, which they called Bacon Salt. They used the $5000 which Dave’s 3 year old son won from America’s Funniest Home Videos and started marketing the product. I particularly like their slogan – “Everything should taste like bacon”. They have done so well now (and the bacon salt product range is staggering – ranging from different wood flavours, such as hickory & apple wood to bacon flavoured lip balm). And now they’re launching their second product – baconnaise. Now, unfortunately, we do not have this in South Africa. Good cooking tip from me though, get some smoked paprika from woollies – it also gives a nice smoky taste to dishes like stews, soups, pasta etc, or use in marinades.

I am back!

I am back!

Goodbye

I hate leaving anything unfinished. It is thus with wretched remorse that I am posting my last post here. I cannot continue, for the demands of my new position do not permit me to spend any time on this web-log any longer. I have been sad for quite some period now as a result of the realisation that I cannot interact with you all any longer. I’ll leave you with the following: C comments on South Africa right now; C update on my life since October 2007; C what this blog and regular visitors meant to me; C goodbye Despite The battle between the SA Police Service and the Scorpions (SA national prosecuting authority) which makes one loose faith in the system, The craven ways of our politicians setting a bad example to us all, The rolling electricity-black outs and the whole embarrassment that surrounds government and ESKOM (State owned electricity provider) The Slump in World & SA Economy Steve Hofmeyer being unable to keep his member in his pants Bafana-bafana’s recent performance The Jake White debacle Our rapacious neighbour, Bob, and all his antics we South Africans still laugh and we are still positive. With all the above taking place now, I’ve noticed a marked increase in sms(text) and e-mail jokes pertaining to most of the above. There has also been a big boost in the braaivleis badinage. We cannot help but laugh about the situation. I am still glad that I can have the privilege of living in this place. OK – me since Oct 07. I love my new job, though it can be extremely demanding at times. I sometimes find myself disbelieving that someone actually pays me for what I do, because it is so enjoyable and rewarding. (The two hours per day travelling from Mordor to Johannesburg and back also plays part in me not having time to blog any more. This is a job in which someone with ADD (like me) can excel for it requires of one to literally be all over the place. And touch wood, so far I only once nearly caused a big crisis. On my first week on the job, I was trying to create a briefcase on my laptop to synchronize with the new company’s server, in order for me to be able to work away from the office, and just update the briefcase. Something terribly went wrong. When my new boss started asking around whether someone deleted something on the server, for he cannot find his documents, I immediately know I caused something to happen. True as nuts, when the people started checking, a very large and very important directory had been removed from the server. It was school all over again. Slowly and red-faced and shit scared I raised my hand. When we opened the briefcase on my laptop, it was empty as well. Sweating and close to having a heart attack (my new boss’ colour changed and he looked as if he was about to expire from apoplexy) I opened my recycle bin. Halleluiah! Praise God! Thank You Wonderful Father! We did a restore and spent the evening checking that everything had been restored successfully. To say that I poured myself a stiff Whiskey when I got home is a gross understatement. As a result, having to empty my recycle bin is now an action which can bring me into a state of acute anxiety. What if….? Noooo, I don’t even want to go there! Since Lamb and I decided to try for a baby, in October, nothing has happened. (We have been using condoms since she stopped using the Pill a year and a half ago and stopped using condoms in October) Right, so early Jan Lamb went to see the gynaecologist. He advised her that as we both are above 30, we won’t waste time and start with fertility tests, for should something be wrong, we can start addressing it without delay. So apart from Lamb getting a Pap-smear and all the other usual tests, I had to have my swimmers tested as well. I feel really cheated though, because in my mind (maybe I watch to much TV and to many Movies) it works like this. You go down to the Lab. You wait anxiously till a ball-breaker nurse calls you, give you a test tube and locks you into a small room with a stack of worn and torn magazines. If you’re lucky there’d be a video player with a monitor. Well, what a let down to be informed that I have to take the sample myself – at home. I was given a sample bottle with a screw top and an instruction sheet-cum-declaration. (Cum in this instance meaning ‘as well as’). I had to declare that I followed ao the following instructions. C That I took the ‘sample’ myself by means of masturbation and NOT by having oral sex performed on me and the sample then transferred to the sample bottle C That the sample was NOT taken by having sex with a condom and then transfer the ‘sample’ to the sample bottle. C That the sample was taken less than an hour before delivery to the Lab. They advised that whilst travelling to the lab (8 kms from my home) that the sample bottle be kept on one’s person to keep it warm. So after “taking” the sample I stuffed the bottle in my jeans’ pocket and rushed to the lab. The Lab, situated in a large Hospital Complex was not easy to find and as I was rushing up and down corridors, I could see my poor sperm swimming slower and slower. I eventually found the lab, and the receptionist told me that the test will cost R205 and I must pay upfront. I asked whether she is sure, and told her that she must charge me more because she is going to be counting for a very very long time. She did not think that was funny. We have an appointment with the gynae again early March. So we’ll see what happens. Oh, the gynae also said Lamb must loose weight. I am trying in sympathy to diet, but neither of us have been successful. Right, so that’s the update. I started this blog at a time when I was feeling disconcerted with my life and job. I felt misunderstood and frustrated. Meeting and chatting with the following people helped t me to get through a few very difficult months: Angel; Glugster; SweetassRSA and Shebee I haven’t followed their blogs, I’m sorry to say, and I know I missed out a lot since November 07. Recently I just skimmed through their latest entries, which just made me miss them more. I got tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat when I learned that Glugster and Angel have met and that they have something going. Good bye, sorry you haven’t heard from me for so long. I wish happiness and prosperity for the 4 of you and all your loved ones. May you also succeed in all of your endeavours, may your dreams come true and may you be blessed with peace. I’ll check responses for another week, but then I really have to go…

Gasp!

I’m only coming up for air. Hectic with new job. Sit in open plan office with my back to everybody, do not want to spend to much time here whilst others may be looking – don’t want people at work to read this, miss you all.

Mordor

Mordor 1. My last day as complaint letter writerer Hallelujah! Although I am exceedingly good at writing letters of complaint, I am mortally tired of it and I thank God that I am done with this. The only drawback of my new job is that I’d have to travel from Mordor to Jo’burg every day. I’m sure I’ll get used to it, most people in Jo’burg and Pretoria travel some distance to work and back. The people in Mordor are funny and I think It’ll take time for me to get used to the Jo’burgers. I am soooo looking forward to Monday. As I said before, I won’t be able to write for a few days, but I’m sure by Mid-Late Next week I’ll join cyberspace again. 2. Living in Mordor I think I got sort of used to Mordor, for Lamb and I have been living here for 9 years now. Though now and again something happens which still amazes me. Last week I was overtaken (in a small stretch between two sets of traffic lights) by a roaring three litre Ford Cortina. It is hard to describe the colour of the car. It is sort of metallic bottle green. On it’s sides it had been decal’d with outsized green flames. The flames were also metallic, but as the car passed me, the flames changed from a silver greenish hue to blowfly brilliant as the angle of light on them changed. The words “THE PUNISHER” were decal’d in large white letters on the back of the car. The car was occupied by a burly man (driver) with a mullet hairstyle. Next to him was a woman with an extremely tight perm and in the back two children of unidentifiable gender. You may wonder how I noticed all of that in the few nano seconds it took the powerful Ford to pass my fuel-economic Japanese model. All I can say is that the image had been imprinted on my memory forever. 3. Mordor Status Symbols Each community and segment of society has it’s own unique status symbols. In Mordor it correlates with the East Rand (East of Jo’burg for those who don’t know), Pretoria West, the Towns of Virginia & Welkom and Klerksdorp & Orkney a.o. Status symbols as well as fads & fashions popular in Mordor:

• Souped up Ford Cortinas, VW Golf 1s, Opel Corsas and old Beemers.
• Motorcar accessories to customise your wiele – shiny chrome hub-caps with rotating blades inside, which keeps still while the wheels are turning, but starts spinning as soon as the car slows down or stops; spoilers and fins – especially a fin the size of a Boeing tail-wing on the boot of the car (om die kar se gat op die pad te hou as jy vinnig om ‘n draai sleep)
• Sound – It needn’t be the best quality, so long you have enough reverberating bass to dissolve the kidney stones of those you pass with your car.
• Big Hair – It’s been all the rave since 1985 here in Mordor. Peroxide blondes with hair teased the life out of it still walk around in off-the-shoulder Spanish style frilly blouses with stretch jeans and white high heels. Better still if the heels could be “mother of pearl”.
• Faux Flintstone Finish on Houses. I believe they call it “rock art”. I have seen it tastefully done around pools etc, but over here, they do the whole house. (Plain old 50’s 60’s and 70’s style houses get plastered with cement and painted to look as if it is made from stone. More often than not, the Idiot doing the job doesn’t know what he is doing which contributes to the overall kak look.) If the guy has a little more skill, you’d find images of the Big Five cunningly blended in.
• Gates. As everywhere in SA people’s yards are sealed off by high walls or palisades with motorised gates. Here people have a big thing for gates. Some are so ornate and elaborate that one would expect to find the Forbidden City behind it. But no, once it opens it is just an ordinary house with garden ornaments such as Swan planters, Snow white and all 7 dwarfs and pink flamingos. The pillars built to support the gateposts are usually topped with massive cement eagles (painted dazzling blue) or Egyptian Cats or Chinese Lions.
• Christmas decorations. I’ve seen a trend in the posh suburbs of Jo’burg that people put very tasteful lights and decorations in their gardens over the Christmas period. Here in Mordor the most ordinary and even shabby looking houses gets transformed in Las Vegas meets Christmas. It is something to behold.

I can go on forever. Bye for now

What to do in boring meetings... Play Buzzword Bingo

This is from the site Wordspy. They have the coolest words there. Many of the words on the site are neologisms and portmanteaus. (Sheebee likes portmanteaus - she makes up her own words by combining two or more )

• BUZZWORD BINGO (BUZ.wurd bing.go) n. A word game played during corporate meetings. Players are issued bingo-like cards with lists of buzzwords such as paradigm and proactive. Players check off these words as they come up in the meeting, and the first to fill in a "line" of words is the winner. Example Citation: [In] cubicles and conference rooms at companies from annuity sellers to paper distributors, drones and peons are slyly mocking the new corporate culture — and their cliche-spouting bosses. One of their weapons is an underground game called buzzword bingo, which works like a surreptitious form of regular bingo. Buzzwords — "incent," "proactive, "impactfulness," for example — are preselected and placed on a bingo-like card in random boxes. Players sit in meetings and conferences and silently check off buzzwords as their bosses spout them; the first to fill in a complete line wins. But, in deference to the setting, the winner typically coughs instead of shouting out "bingo." "Buzzword bingo arose as a reaction against half-truth and responsibility-dodging" in the workplace, says former Silicon Graphics Inc. software engineer Chris Pirazzi. When Mr. Pirazzi, now a software engineer elsewhere, worked at the hightech company, he wrote bingo cards featuring phrases like, "At Stanford, we . . ." (In Silicon Valley, it's hip to let people know you attended Stanford University.) The game, by all accounts, began at Silicon Graphics in Mountain View, Calif. Tom Davis, a scientist and one of the company's founders, says that one day in early 1993, he was sitting in the office of a friend who had scrawled corporate-speak on his blackboard. A light bulb went off, and Mr. Davis wrote a computer program to generate bingo cards filled with the jargon he had seen, plus motivational cliches like "Step up to it." He says he coined the name "buzzword bingo" and passed the cards along to colleagues with a note written in the spirit of the new game: "The ball's in your court."—Elizabeth Macdonald and Asra Q. Nomani, "Lots of Executives Become Fair Game For Buzzword Bingo," The Wall Street Journal, June 8, 1998

Also check the site for "The Streisand Effect" and "Corridor Cuiser"

Kentucky Burgoo

Please do not only read my top posts, I am posting several per day. I am winding down at my current job and I am stocking up for next week when I’ll be starting the new job. I think it will be a bit hectic for the first week or so.

One of the best books on food I’ve ever read is Food: what we eat and how we eat it by Clarissa Dickson Wright (real name - Clarissa Theresa Philomena Aileen Mary Josephine Agnes Elsie Trilby Louise Esmerelda Dickson Wright). Clarissa is the the living half of the Two Fat Ladies team. Jennifer Patterson died a number of years back. The whole book is full of excerpts form other cooks’ and chefs’ books and then her own commentary on the subject. One of the entries I enjoy most is the one on Kentucky Burgoo. The recipe below dates from 1939 and makes 1200 gallons: "Kentucky Burgoo" is the celebrated stew which is served in Kentucky on Derby Day, at Political Rallies, Horse Sales and other outdoor events. This recipe is from a hand written copy by Mr. J. T. Looney, of Lexington. Mr. Looney is Kentucky's most famous Burgoo-maker and it was for him that Mr. E. R. Bradley named his Kentucky Derby winner "Burgoo King". Mr. Looney uses a sauce of his own in the preparation of this truly-amazing concoction. Mr. Looney is invited to all parts of the country to prepare Burgoo for large gatherings. This is not a dish to be attemped by an amateur though it can be prepared in smaller quantities. It is a very picturesque sight to see Mr. Looney, aided by his many assistants, preparing this dish over open fires and huge kettles which are kept simmering all night. 600 pounds lean soup meat (no fat, no bones) 200 pounds fat hens 2000 pounds potatoes, peeled and diced 200 pounds of onions 5 bushels of cabbage, chopped 60 ten-pound cans of tomatoes 24 ten-pound cans puree of tomatoes 24 ten-pound cans of carrots 18 ten-pound cans of corn Red pepper and salt to taste Season with Worchestershire, Tabasco, or A#1 Sauce

Mix the ingredients, a little at a time, and cook outdoors in huge iron kettles over wood fires from 15 to 20 hours. Use squirrels in season... one dozen squirrels to each 100 gallons.

The "use squirrels in season" really got to me.