Hard Spear

Honey Bee Died...

2012-01-25T18:29:00.001+02:00

...on 1 January 2012

I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea wish to tell you the story of Honeybee.

I am nearly 39, but I remember… I remember very well… I was 5 years old.

Melissa was born on 3 March 1978. Shortly after her birth my parents realized something was wrong. They took her to the family GP who detected a heart murmur. I was 5 and our middle sister Flower was two and a half.

Soon Melissa became gravely ill. In the small town of Heidelberg in the old Transvaal province there was a small but well run hospital with old fashioned doctors who still cared, did house calls and were gods. None of them were specialists however. Several hasty trips had to be made to Johannesburg.

My parents were advised to take Melissa to Cape Town to see world renowned heart specialist, Dr Chris Barnard.

As my parents threw clothes into suitcases my mother’s heart was torn into two as she phoned my grandparents in Standerton which was an hour’s drive away to come and pick up little Hardspear and Flower. She also phoned a friend living one street away to come and watch us till my grandparents arrive. My parents left even before Tannie Kokkie came running to our house minutes later. My mother stared at the two little figures as the car pulled away. I was 5 years old, but I still remember… I remember VERY well. I remember the look on my mother’s face.

A nightmare flight to Cape Town ensued. Our GP accompanied my parents on the trip and he aged several years during the flight. Soon after take-off life started ebbing out of Melissa’s tiny body. The doctor invested in all his training, experience, compassion and whatever resources he had to keep her resuscitated. All the while, he kept a dedicated open channel to God, for what else was there to draw upon. Time stood still for a moment as the whole plane was gripped in a vice of terror and dread. Passengers were traumatised, hostesses ran up and down the aisle. My parents stood crying. Melissa went in to cardiac failure. The pilots decided to do an emergency landing in Kimberley. The doctor managed to bring the little babe-in-arms around again.

Soon after landing in Kimberley, Melissa seemed more stable and the pilots took off for Cape Town again. Before long she started going into cardiac arrest once more. Again the doctor, I can’t remember his name, put his very being into the act of trying to revive Melissa. Eventually he stood back. “Dit is verby…” (It is over) he told my parents. By that time everyone on the plane was sobbing, some silently some not.

My mother shoved the doctor out of the way. Never in her life did my mother have any first aid training, but what is greater than a mother’s love? My mother started alternating pumping Melissa’s legs and doing mouth-to-mouth. Without consulting each other, both my mother and my father silently screamed the primal prayer which raise from the souls of every parent whose child is about to die. That prayer which has been prayed since time immemorial. “God save my child and I shall dedicate my LIFE to You!” The tiny infant Melissa gasped as her heart kicked in.

At D.F. Malan Airport, Cape Town International now, all the passengers remained seated as my mother and the doctor ran out of the plane and into the waiting St. Johns Ambulance. The St. Johns medic defied all physical laws during a hair raising race car trip which took a mere 7 minutes from the airport to the Groote Schuur Hospital. My mother gripped the doctor by the belt of his trousers to keep him from tumbling around in the near out of control ambulance as he dealt with oxygen masks, IVs and monitoring equipment ancient by today’s standards. Both my mother and the doctor started laughing hysterically as they were tossed around in the flying vehicle. My father followed in a taxi, which arrived much later.

Flower and I stayed with our maternal grandparents for 5 long weeks. As much as we loved Ouma Rosie and Oupa Piet, 5 weeks are very long for a 5 year old and a 2 and a half year old. Some nights I cried for my mother. The strict routine of old people’s lives are a great comfort to children, I now realise. During those 5 weeks we never had to worry about what was going to happen next. My grandparents slept in the same room, but in separate beds. Sturdy wooden beds on high legs which was made by Italian Prisoners of War who were sent to POW camps in South Africa during the Second World War. Every morning I would jump into my grandmother’s bed with her and Flower into my grandfather’s bed with him. Soon after Alinah, the maid, would open the back door and there was a rush of tiny paws on carpeted hardwood floors as Vlooi and Miekie the fat Chihuahua and scrawny miniature Doberman came running in. Vlooi joined my grandmother and me in bed and Miekie jumped in with my grandfather and Flower.

Alinah would bring us all a cup of coffee in bed, first discussing the day ahead with my grandmother in Afrikaans and then would have a long conversation with my grandfather in Zulu. My grandfather spoke Zulu as if it was his native tongue.

My grandfather would dress and go off to work. He always brushed my cheek with the clean foam on his shaving brush whilst he shaved, slapped Old Spice on his cheeks then mine and flattened both his and my hair with Brylcreem.

For some reason unbeknownst, my grandmother had to go to OK Bazaars in town every single day. In the afternoons we drove to any of my grandfather’s farms in the district (I only realised later that my grandparents were filthy stinking rich). Sometimes we drove in his large Ford Granada and sometimes in the Fiat or Isuzu bakkie. The brand spanking new beige Mercedes 250E was reserved for going to church on Sundays. My grandfather seemed to have countless cars. My favourite was the two door yellow Chev SS muscle car with two black stripes over the boot, roof and bonnet. My grandmother drove a boxy baby blue Datsun S with a tape player. The Springbok Radio tapes were as large as Betamax video tapes. We listened to Kentucky Blues and Simple Yellow Ribbon and Women, Beautiful Women at top volume as my grandmother raced about town. Both my grandparents drove very fast.

One morning we woke early and were carried half asleep into the Mercedes which was packed and ready to go. We were on our way to Durban. Five kilometres out of town my grandmother started worrying whether she’d switched off the stove and the iron. Grumpily my grandfather turned around and raced back to their house at full speed. As always the stove and iron were indeed switched off, but my grandmother now had peace and we set off again.

We stayed in the Malibu hotel and after each dinner, my grandmother would put cheese and biscuits into a serviette, which she then would slip surreptitiously into her handbag. We would snack on that later in the room. My pee burned me and I had to swallow a teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda every day. It made me gag. We went to the beach every day, save for one day which was reserved for the fun park. This I remember as if it was yesterday. My grandmother exclaimed at some stage, “look at that cute little train!” My grandfather bought tickets and we got onto the “cute little train”. The little train turned out to be a roller coaster and it was the most exhilarating ride I have ever had. Even up to this day. My grandmother realised something was wrong when the Indian man operating the “cute little train” told her to hold tight onto me. By the end of the ride my grandmother had lost all ability to move. My grandfather, born out of hardy Boere stock during the Great Depression was not as strong as an ox, he was stronger. He literally could wrestle a wayward bull to the ground. My grandmother was a big auntie, but he effortlessly picked her straight out of the cart and set her down onto the platform on shaky legs. We had to go back to the hotel where my grandmother took a tranquiliser.

I can fill a book on all the detail I remember of those five weeks. I was 5 years old, yet I remember every single thing.

Fast Forward.

The venerable Dr. Chris Barnard and company told my parents that there is nothing to be done and that Melissa will be lucky to survive past early childhood. She has a congenital heart defect called Tetralogy of Fallot. My parents learned of a Paediatric Heart Specialist team, Dr. (Prof) Robin Kinsley and Dr. (Prof) Solly Levin in Johannesburg and returned home. Today Drs Kinsley and Levin is attached to the Walter Sisulu Paediatric Cardiac Clinic in Africa at the Sunninghill Hospital in Johannesburg.

My dad came to pick us up in Standerton. His wavy red hair had grown long since I have last seen him and my heart felt big and warm as I ran into his arms.

Dr. Kinsley (cardio-thoracic surgeon), dr Levin (paediatric cardiologist) and team did a ground-breaking, written up in textbooks and case studies operation and Melissa became one of the first persons ever with Tetralogy of Fallot surviving way past infancy.

You were a child
Crawling on your knees toward it
Making momma so proud,
But your voice is too loud

Melissa spent the first year of her life in the newly built Johannesburg General Hospital. It was large, it was modern, it was cutting edge. What a shame to think of what Joburg Gen has become since.

Melissa was such a happy child. Dreamy, imaginative and sometimes lost in a world of her own. People took to her very easily. As a teenager she rebelled at being called a miracle child, wanting to be like everyone else instead. Melissa trained as a chef, but after her studies and practical placements she must have realised she cannot work in such a physical demanding environment. After a few years she found her balance and became deeply religious. Never pious and although loving God, by all accounts she seriously challenged him sometimes, yet never wavering in her belief.

We like to watch you laughing,
You pick the insects off plants
No time to think of consequences

I remember my childhood as happy, but different. Melissa still had the tracheostomy (hole in her throat) for another year after returning home and we had suction machines like they have in hospitals for removing phlegm from her lungs. One was in my parents’ bedroom and one was built in behind the back seat of my mother’s Volkswagen Beetle. I was 5 turning 6 and when Melissa would start choking in a shop for example, I would grab the car keys from my mom, run to the car, put it in neutral and start it. By the time I managed to get a few good revs in, my mother would arrive with Melissa and Flower. She would dive into the back put a catheter on the suction machine and clean Melissa’s lungs, with me revving away much more than was strictly needed to make the suction machine work.

[Chorus:]
Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanted
To be haunted

Melissa had to have massive heart operations again at the ages of six and seventeen. She recovered miraculously every time. And now, so much more recent, I cannot remember if she had another one between 17 years old and the last one when she was 30. How strange that I remember so much better of what had happened so far back? Recovery after the last operation was slow. Melissa suffered pain, fatigue and arrhythmia. Eventually, after two years she was ok again in a way, but I could see that her old vitality only surfaced sometimes. After the last operation Dr. Kingsley avoided my parents and spoke only very briefly to them, avoiding all talk of prognosis and the future. The poor man knew, I think, that time has started running out.

The water is warm
But it’s sending me shivers
A baby is born
Crying out for attention

Melissa spent her last three months as she did the first three, fighting for her life in an intensive care unit of a hospital, attached to monitors and with tubes running in and out of her and breathing through a hole in her throat.

The memories fade
Like looking through a fogged mirror
Decision to decisions are made
And not bought,
But I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot.
I guess not

I am sad for Melissa who lived her life, not for herself, but for others. She touched the lives of innumerable people.

I am grateful for the two nurses at Joburg Gen, who in long shifts relieving the other were with Melissa every single moment of the first year of her life.

I am angry at the callous, lazy, Kentucky Fried Chicken munching, heartless fucking bitches who were supposed to watch over her during the end, but slept through the night shift. (All the SAffas will know which important descriptive pronouns I have left out in relation to the first and second sets of nurses.)

I am thankful to God for 34 years.

I feel guilty for not always giving Melissa the time of day

…….Even so… It is well with my soul.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:

If Jordan above me shall roll,

No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life

Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,

The sky, not the grave, is our goal;

Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!

Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

Even so, it is well with my soul.

Three of the Gospels tell the story of the Temple Official whose daughter had died. In different ways they recount how Jesus resurrected the girl. I can tell the story further. I can tell you that the miracle does not stop after the act. Sometimes I am jealous of my parents’ faith, for boy, did they keep their promise…

Baai Noenoes ek mis jou baie. Met hierdie elegie laat ek jou gaan. Jou boetie ~~Gerrie~~ J. Hardspear de la Azotea

MGMT - Kids

It is well with my soul

Hardspear quits smoking with Champix and Pfizer

2011-11-13T05:32:00.001+02:00

Having taken up smoking after quitting for 5 years, I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea have tried to stop again since the 1^st cigarette I smoked in July. Not successful.

Then I got myself a prescription for the new quit-smoking drug – Champix – by Pfizer. Putting it simply – the other successful drug in recent years (Zyban), is an anti-depressant of which one of the side effects is to curb cravings for smoking. Champix on the other hand blocks the nicotine receptors in the brain, as I understand it.

I started taking Champix a week ago and also enrolled in the online support programme Pfizer developed called mytimetostart The programme advises one to finally stop smoking a week after you’ve started the meds. During the 1^st week they start you off on a weak dosage, which increases to full strength on the first day you’re supposed to quit.

During that 1^st week, personally I did not feel much of an urge to quit, but I have been getting these super motivational, helpful and insightful e-mails form the programme.

Yesterday I actually had to stop. Lo and freaking behold. I did not crave a cigarette at all. I was not cranky, irritated, agitated, impatient or “mislik”. I first thought of a cigarette at 15:00 after an afternoon nap. During the evening we were with friends and I had a glass of red wine. I had a very low intensity and fleeting “lus” for a cigarette, which was totally manageable and quick.

This morning I woke up – no craving!!!

In fact. My mood and energy levels improved quite a bit since I started Champix a week ago.

5 Years ago when I first quit, I went cold turkey (nicotine replacement therapy did not help me at all). It was extremely difficult, but I did it. Now is one of those periods in my life which is typically not a good time to stop, but with Champix I am doing it anyway, despite all the stressors in my life.

I was worried that taking Champix with Ritalin may have some strange effects, but after consulting with friend Cara Noir, who is a psychiatrist, I was happy to learn that it should not, and now I am testament that it does not.

The Champix is quite a loooong course to complete, but in order to ensure success, I am going to take every single last nicotine blocking tablet in this course to ensure success.

Thanks Champix and Pfizer.

Julius Malema

2011-11-10T13:11:00.001+02:00

Julius Malema... Ek sidder om te dink watse kak gaan hy nou aanjaag...

Honey Bee paralysed in ICU

2011-11-06T10:04:00.000+02:00

I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea planned this post in anger & hate… I have been brooding on this for quite longer than a month… My hate and anger was turned by two angels to love and forgiveness.

My Sister, Honey Bee, five weeks ago, to celebrate a friend’s birthday, went for a meal to a restaurant in East London where they live. Instead of good memories, Honey Bee was incubated by one of the worst food poisoning bugs in existence. This malevolent and evil bacterium resulted in Honey Bee’s whole system and all organs being shocked into a state of septicaemia.

Honey Bee ended up in the Intensive Care Unit of the Hospital of the Holy Lord (which is not really the Holy Lord, but translates to a Roman Catholic Saint whose name means that…) Oh for goodness sake the place’s name is Saint Dominique. If you haven’t realised yet, the names of people I use on this blog is the meaning of their given names.

In this hospital Honey Bee first contracted Hospital Acquired Pneumonia and then a Nosocomial Infection. A nosocomial infection is the super bug which only exists in hospitals and is labelled as viruses and bacteria which have become resistant to most known anti-biotics.

Thirty three years after Honey Bee died and lived again, she ended up in ICU once more (she spent the first year of her life in Jo’burg Gen’s ICU). Again she had to have a tracheostomy (hole in the throat so she can breathe).

On account of the tracheostomy, she now cannot speak. Because of the microscopic yet complete attack on her body she is paralysed as well.

With God’s protection and the Noir genes she inherited from my late mother, she survived however. My other sister and I are innate De La Azoteas. The Noir side of the family, however all have constitutions like oxen – The farmers which they are…

Eight months ago God had my path crossed with the Vodacom Change the World initiative. There I met two Angels, Drika & Santie. Drika runs a charity called Opkyk Pathways near Brits. Santie is the Vodacom Volunteer placed there.

Opkyk Pathways focus on interventions with disabled and abused children at the centre, but they also do community work. They also make use of Equitherapy. Some of the horses they use were also abused and neglected, and it is incredible to see how the children and horses heal each other.

Drika & Santie both have a passion for children and adults who cannot speak. I was astounded to see the work they do and the ways and means they assist children and adults to “speak” and communicate. They use both high- and low tech interventions & devices to assist people to communicate. High tech devices include talking photo albums and other apparatus specifically designed to assist people to communicate, but they are very expensive. Less expensive devices not specifically designed for this purpose, but which works wonderfully well includes stuff like electronic label makers which you can buy from Waltons.

Low tech devices include laminated ABC, phrase & picture charts where a child can point to pictures or phrases or spell out words.

Because Honey Bee is paralysed, I could not imagine how they would be able to help, but I contacted Santie & Drika regardless. Both were extremely excited to be able to assist and they described to me a system where a frame is used which is covered in Velcro. Cards are then made with “Yes” and “No” responses, as well as applicable phrases. These are then stuck to the frame and shown to a paralysed person who cannot speak. All one then have to do is follow the person’s eyes to see which answer they are looking at! So simple, so effective, yet I wonder if I would ever have thought of that!

Santie did most of the work to make a customised system with appropriate phrases for Honey Bee and THEY DID NOT CHARGE US A CENT FOR THEIR EFFORT. In appreciation I donated R2000 – which is not near enough to convey my appreciation.

The communication pack was couriered to my Dad and arrived on Friday. I cannot wait to hear the results…

Other bit of good news, is that my Dad on advice from the doctors applied to have anti-biotics imported from overseas, which may help fight the infection. It is a long process, since that specific medicine is not registered in SA, so approval had to be obtained first before it could be ordered. It took more than 3 weeks, but eventually that also arrived on Friday.

Process flows explained bmo 'Hey Jude' by the Beatles

2011-09-15T05:23:00.000+02:00

I work on large IT implementation projects. Consultants LOVE process flows. I’ve once been given this by an expert Process Mapping consultant to illustrate the principles of process flows. Thought it was very funny…

Update after yet another leave of absence

2011-09-13T19:46:00.000+02:00

We bought a house in Pretoria (Centurion)

I bought a new car – the old one blew a head gasket on the way back from Lephalale (formerly Ellisras).

Lamb and Image and our stupid dogs are still in V-Town. Soon’s Lamb find a job here she’ll join me. I only see them on weekends now.

Haven’t moved into new house yet. Stay in a garden cottage – want to do a few renovations. Very nice (small) garden flat. Get on very well with my Cougar landlady and her Cub boyfriend. Wednesdays are braai-evening and I usually join them. They are quite funny. The Cougar is super handy. Recently she repaired the roof, re-tiled the house, remodelled the kitchen etc etc, all by herself. The Cub plays playstation and zipps around on his superbike (which she bought). She also has a superbike. (Must say, she looks quite fetching in her Leathurrrs.)

Bought a R14 000 stove for the new house. 90cm SMEG with 5 gas burners, but electric double thermofan oven.

Started smoking after having quit for 5 years.

Started gym again. Worried that I would piss around in the gym not doing real exercise – got me a personal trainer. On meeting him, I quite liked him, but soon realised he is the son of satan. I aint got no butt, so I told him I want an arse so tight you can bounce a tennis ball off of it. He tried to make me achieve that in 1 session. I could not walk, stand, sit or lie down the next 3 days. I swim on Thursdays and he makes me do lap after lap after lap. I complain, but I also don’t complain… I just have to stop buying Peanut Butter Bomb protein smoothies from Kauai after gym.

Gonna start blogging again after yet another leave of absence.

Blog has been doing quite well during my absence, especially food posts & ADD posts, and for some reason the Penis Lie Detector post as well.

I am still here...

2011-01-18T20:04:00.000+02:00

Ja..., started on a new project again, hectic as always. Will start blogging properly soon. New project (long term) is in Pretoria - too far to travel, so staying with family in Centurion. Short term plan = Get a garden cottage to rent or something - medium term plan = move to JHB/PTA. Not nice not being with Lamb & Image

Lady Gaga Beefsteak, lychee and sheep’s milk cheese salad with green mango achar and lime dressing

2010-12-18T18:37:00.000+02:00

J'veux ton amour
Et je veux ton revenge

You cannot possibly imagine how good this is. I do not have Nigella’s vocabulary, but I’ll try.

So, I have decided to take better food photos. And yes, not perfect, but much better than previous attempts:

I’ve mentioned in a previous post that blood-rare beefsteak salad is my favourite ‘alone’ food. It is quick, easy and really very... VERY good. I make a different variation every time.
Due to the lots of rain we had Angel had to postpone her birthday party and Lamb and I couldn’t make the new date. Lamb & Image went to visit grandma, so I was home alone.

Part of Angel’s gift would have been the most delicious sheep’s milk cheese I picked up in Smithfield in the Southern Free State. The Smithfield farmer who produces these cheeses is a woman and she won loads of prizes for this cheese. It is called Ovis Angelica – heavenly sheep’s milk cheeses. As Angel’s Angelical Sheep’s Milk Cheese went into my salad – alas, only the inedible part of her birthday gift survived.

So here’s what went into J. Hardspear de la Azotea’s Man Salad for 1 hungry man. *I’m a free BASTARD baby!*

1 large thick cut rump steak. We South Africans love our rump steak. It may not be as tender as rib-eye (The Americans like this one), or fillet (tenderloin), but it definitely s’got loads more flavour and if you do not overcook it, it is tender enough. The Brits & Jamie Oliver agree with me on this one

MARINADE (PAPArazzi)
grated rind & juice of 1 lime
half a teaspoon grated fresh ginger
crushed clove of garlic
sprinkling of Thai Seven Spice
1 table spoon of soy sauce
1 table spoon of sunflower oil

Marinade the steak in this for 15 mins. Take out and pat dry with kitchen towels. Heat cast iron griddle pan till very hot (the air should start making waves above the pan). Sear the steak for about a minute or two on each side and put in a clean plate to rest.

THE SALAD (Oh boy you’ve left me speechless!)
I used a bag of mixed leaves containing a mix of mild- and strong flavoured schtuff – butter lettuce, radiccio, rocket etc.
skinned and pitted fresh lychees
carrot shavings
spring onion

THE CHEESE (Retro Dance Freak)
Ovis Angelica’s Labneh cheese. Labneh is a Middle Eastern yoghurt cheese. It is formed into small balls and preserved in bottles filled with oil. It has a soft crumbly texture and tastes very creamy and ever so slightly acidic.

THE DRESSING (In your brown eyes)
The juice of 1 – 2 limes
1 table spoon of green mango atchar + extra little bit of the oil from the atchar. (In South Africa we call Indian Pickles – Atchar)
1 table spoon of soy sauce
Mix well

Assemble the salad in a large flat serving dish, carve the meat in thin slivers, add the juices which collected in the plate to the dressing and drizzle dressing over. The combination of crunchy leaves, tender, near raw strips of meat, the delicate fragrant translucent white flesh of the lychees, the creamy cheese and the piquant, astringency & sourness of the dressing, makes for a most satisfying experience of tastes, textures, flavours and aromas.

I had a bottle of Jacobsdal Pinotage during the preparation and consumption of this salad. This salad is best eaten with your body sprawled on the couch with the serving dish on your chest, fork in one hand, glass of wine in the other and your big toe operating the DVD remote on the coffee table. Preferably a lekker Action or SciFi movie playing. I watched Inception and thought it to be a really good movie.

“En soos Tibbie sê: “Hierie wyn is Goddelik!”

Alehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhandro! Do you know you love me boy, hot - just like Mexico!

I am decidedly drunk now, so with dick in hand I salute you! [Telephone – Lady Gaga & Beyonce together is enough to make me come in my Hemishphere cut-off jeans.] My chest (and tummy) may be too big for Truworths man but my waist ain’t not!!

Contemplating...

2010-12-17T09:52:00.000+02:00

I am still contemplating coriander. Will do a proper post soon, there is many in my head, but I can't seem to find the time to pen it down.

ADD, Instant Gratification & Gardening #2

2010-12-03T14:01:00.000+02:00

[wtf, wtf, wtf!!! Blogger KEEP on publishing only half of my posts - here's the rest which should have been part of the post below]

So why do us ADDers seek INSTANT gratification all the time??? – The simple answer is to either stop the noise or to stop the boredom. Angel put me on this track with her recent post on the same topic. Angel discusses also the fact that ADDers are not motivated by long term rewards nor deterred by long term consequences. But what is interesting is this… It is not that we cannot see the reward of sometimes having to wait for something (or consequences of doing something very satisfying THIS VERY INSTANT), it is just that we couldn’t be bothered. Even feeling regret soooooo many times for missing out on a reward as a result of not having done something/not putting an effort in/not having waited is enough motivation for next time round (Unless the missed-out reward was whoppingly massive or the punishment cripplingly severe.)

To you this may seem like stubbornness and bad attitude, but it is not. It is not impossible for us to make the right decision, put in the required effort or wait for a reasonable amount of time to achieve something or gain a reward, it is just very, very difficult at times. This frustrate people close to ADDers, but it the effect is much worse on us. It discourages us, depresses us and frustration does not even start to describe the aggravation we feel. And that is why they say the ADDer’s behaviour is self limiting.

With your encouragement we can get out of the cycle of course.

Now today I need encouragement. Here’s the story of the need for instant gratification is stealing my joy:

Recently I started to put much more effort and time into our garden. And yes, I feel good when I have don hard manual labour in the garden, I feel at peace when I have planted schtuff and cleared out weeds, but that is not always rewarding enough for me to continue. I must also mention that there is a VERY big difference between negative consequences and discouragement. A big negative consequence may not deter us, but a little insignificant thing can discourage us real bad.

As I then have commented on dbawiw’s blog – something is eating my lovely chilli plants. What on God’s earth eats chilli plants (except us of course)? So, already not being able to wait for the little plants to bear shiny green & red chillis, something now cause further delays, or even NO reward at all! I know it is not rational, but if I plant a lemon tree and water it once, I expect it to be in full bloom the very next day and the day after it must be laden with heavy, fat, juicy fruit. So here the cycle starts… At first I take it as a personal affront that something would eat MY chilli plants, which I have put time in energy into. Then I feel that they can eat the whole bloody thing for all I care and I won’t plant another green thing for as long as I live. But wait, here the Ritalin kicks in, as well as what I have learned from reading about ADD, therapy etc etc. Don’t give up. I then go into over-do mode. I want whatever is eating my precious chillis DEAD now. Surely a little undiluted insect poison would not do any harm (yes I know the bottle says to mix 1 drop poison with a kiloliter of water, but it sounds a bit weak to me). I administer some vile smelling schtuff to my chillis. When I rush out tomorrow to check for new growth and masses of upturned insect carapaces, I’ve found that the chilli’s leaves turned yellow. Over-doing can produce either spectacular or disastrous results; you can never know which…

In the meanwhile, the dogs have wrecked my coriander and the harvester ants are having a feeding frenzy at the expense of my soft, luxurious green front-lawn. The very thought makes me want to jump in the car to go and buy an i-Phone 4 or eat 6 curry mince vetkoeke or harass Lamb for some nooky or drive to Durban. Barbara Streisand Barbara Streisand Barbara Streisand Barbara Streisand Barbara Streisand BAR-BA-RAAAA STREEEEIIIIIIISAND!

Con-tem-PLATE coriander, J. Hardspear de la Azotea, contemplate coriander…

ADD, Instant Gratification & Gardening

2010-12-03T10:02:00.000+02:00

Let me just start off first with my rant of the day… I HAVE ADD AND I FIND IT VERY D I F F I C U L T TO FOLLOW AN INSTRUCTION OR PERFORM A REQUEST IF YOU WON’T GIVE ME THE REASON FOR DOING IT!!! Sommer is nie ‘n rede nie – skilpad het nie vere nie! “Just because”, “Because I asked you”, “Because I SAID so” and “Just do it!” does not WORK for me. I cope with enough distractions without having to figure out WHY I have to do what you asked/instructed/commanded me to do! For FUCK sakes man, is it so HARD to give my just a one liner reason? YOU try to get a day’s work done with Duck Sauce’s “Barbara Streisand” playing loudly in your head for 4 consecutive confounded days. Over and over again – it is the last thing I hear before I go to sleep and the very first thing I hear when I wake up. I hear it when I work, I hear whilst you talk to me (and I need to concentrate because you are in the background) I even here it when I’m in the kakhuis. It is not that I do not WANT to do schtuff, just remember your MOTIVATED wish is my command. I know it is frustrating to always give a reason for everything, but I am TRYING on my end – so do not make it HARDER for me still…

OK, now that we’ve got that out of the way…

Bridging the Kindle Digital Divide in South Africa – My third Afrikaans Post

2010-12-02T09:55:00.001+02:00

Intro = English
Content = Afrikaans

As I tell everyone I know about my Amazon Kindle, a few people have approached me for more information before acquiring their own Kindles. Mostly it is some of my IRL friends, who are not very IT or WEB savvy. I have written them the simple instructions below, indicating how I optimised My Kindle Experience so that I can - in South Africa - have the same benefits as someone in the USA and NOT PAY MORE (Kindle books are more expensive here in SA), but if you follow these steps below, you can save a lot of money and read a much wider selection than what is available in the Amazon store. Example – George Bush’s new book cost $21 if your Kindle is registered to a SA address and $9 (NOT that I want it for FREE) if registered to an address in the USA. (How are we ever going to bridge the digital fucking divide if companies schnaai us Africans like this!?). Prolly the Publishers fault and NOT Amazon's... So here goes:

Ek het redelik die storie nagevors voor ek myne gekoop het, en my grootste bekommernis was dat ek net Amazon e-boeke op dit sal kan lees, en dat ek ook weens Uitgewers regte nie alle Amazon boeke in Suid-Afrika kan aflaai nie. Ek het die volgende raad gevolg en dit het baie goed gewerk. (Daar is steeds baie baie baie beskikbaar op Amazon, maar as jy soos ek is, wil ‘n mens nie ingeperk voel nie.)

1. In die proses om jou Kindle se unieke reeksnommer op jou naam te registreer op Amazon se webtuiste – gebruik ‘n adres in die VSA. Ek het sommer vir $10 (STANDARD OPTION) vir myself ‘n adres in Amerika gekoop by ‘n aanlyn-inkopiediens (MyUS) wat dit doen vir mense wat buite Amerika woon, maar goed vandaar wil bestel (veral ondat ons op plekkie soos hier in SA nie ons eie posdiens kan vertrou nie). Ek het die adres gebruik en toe my Kindle met die adres geregistreer. Onthou as jy dan ‘n soektog doen met die rekenaar op Amazon, om die land in die linker boonste hoek se aftreklys-hokkie te verander vanaf Africa na ‘USA’. Die voordeel dan is dat jy uit meer boeke kan kies op die Amazon webtuiste en dat hulle boonop beduidend goedkoper is EN dat jy toegang dan tot hulle gratis boeke ook het. As jy op jou rekenaar hierdie proses gevolg het, is jy dan in staat om direk van jou Kindle af boeke te koop op Amazon se webtuiste.

2. Indien jy direk vanaf jou Kindle wil boeke op Amazon koop moet jy ook jou kredietkaart details op Amazon registreer. Dit is ‘n aparte registrasie proses, en daar kan jy jou plaaslike SA adres gebruik.

3. Die Amazon Kindle gebruik hulle eie unieke eienskap e-boek formate. Soos ‘n Word dokument eindig met .doc en excel met .xls en Adobe met .pdf eindig Amazon s’n met oa. .mobi. Plekke soos Kalahari se e-boeke is weer ‘n ander formaat bv. .EPUB. As jy boeke op ‘n ander plek as Amazon wil koop (of gratis aflaai) kan jy dit nie direk op jou Kindle doen nie. Jy moet dit eers op jou rekenaar laai, die formaat verander en dan die Kindle se kabel gebruik om dit aan jou rekenaar to konnekteer en van die rekenaar na die Kindle oor te laai. (Dis in elke geval hoe al die ander e-boek lesers soos SONY s’n werk) Daar is ‘n programmetjie wat jy van die internet moet aflaai wat enige e-boek formaat na enige ander e-boek formaat kan omskakel – Calibre

Die Calibre programmetjie werk regtig baie goed en het selfs ‘n grootmaat omskakelings funksie. Ek het ‘n ruk terug 1000 wetenskapsfiksie e-boeke op ‘n data geheuestokkie by ‘n vriend gekry en op ‘n Saterdag middag die hele spul deur Calibre gejaag (of gedrentel, want dit het die hele middag geneem op my super-stadige skootrekenaar. Maar enkel boeke vat darem net ‘n paar minute). Die proses stel ‘n mens dan in staat om selfs Afrikaanse boeke by Kalahari.net te koop, om te skakel en dan op jou Kindle te lees.

Onthou ook om Amazon se Kindle for PC af te laai. Dit skep dan outomaties ‘n “my kindle content” leêr binne jou “my documents” leêr op jou rekenaar waarin al die boeke wat op jou Kindle toestel is, ook op jou rekenaar gestoor word. Jy hoef dit nie eers oor te kopieër nie, maak net die Kindle for PC oop en kliek op ‘Archived Items’ en jy sal ‘n lys kry met al die boeke wat jy reeds op Amazon gekoop het. As op die individuele boeke kliek sal dit op jou rekenaar aflaai, jy kan dit op jou rekenaar lees en dit word in genoemde leêr gestoor. Ek lees nie graag boeke op die rekenaar nie – maar dit kom nuttig te pas as jy nie die Kindle toestel by jou het nie en jy wil net gou iets check.

Nou ja, ek weet die meeste bloggers is vaardig op die web en met allerhande tegniese foefies soos e-lesers, maar ek hoop hierdie post help iemand wat nie is nie, en wat ook die maksimum gebruik uit hulle kindle wil kry.

Hardspear stats

2010-12-01T13:50:00.001+02:00

According to Blogger’s (newish) stats application, this is what people are reading most on my blog. After Google and other search engines, I get the most referrals from Angel & Tamara’s blogs – thanks you two beauties for having me on you link lists! Brigit is my best Twitter referrer.

I hate having ADD

25 Sep 2007, 11 comments 1,006 Pageviews

Braai 4 Heritage

16 Sep 2009, 5 comments 490 Pageviews

Swearing in Afrikaans

10 Mar 2009, 3 comments 306 Pageviews

Kitsch Confessions

23 Mar 2009, 5 comments 288 Pageviews

Waiter there is something in my retro 70’s Charlotte

30 Apr 2009, 5 comments 276 Pageviews

Greek roast leg of lamb

18 Sep 2007, 1 comment 179 Pageviews

Penile Plethysmograph, the Penis Polygraph or Dick Lie Detector

17 Sep 2010, 3 comments 101 Pageviews

L-Arginine – the price for sex leaves a bad taste ...

18 Mar 2010, 8 comments 93 Pageviews

Computer Generated Café de Paris Sauce for Steak

16 Jul 2009, 4 comments 71 Pageviews

VODACOM complaint

11 Nov 2010, 4 comments 66 Pageviews

Keywords which bring most people (apart from regular readers) to my blog are:

Consistent

“I hate ADD”, “Afrikaans Swear Words”, “Swearing in Afrikaans”, “Cursing in Afrikaans”, “Afrikaans Insults”, Swearing in Africaan”(sic), “Afrikaans Swar Word”(sic), “Bad tasting Arginine”, “Greek Lamb”, “Roast Leg of Lamb”, “Leg of Lamb in the Weber”, “Peppermint Crisp Tart Recipe”, “Raspberry Charlotte”, “Charlotte aux Framboises”, “Cafe de Paris Sauce recipe”, “Sosaties Recipe”, “Kitch Paintings”

Periodic

“Braai Day”, “Braai for Heritage” – I got loads of hits for this during September. It peaked on Heritage Day, the 24^th and steeply tapered off ever since.

Pictures

I get quite a number of hits on picture searches. The highest picture hits I get on one of my own pictures (and NOT on those which I in turn copied from the web) is the one for Indian Butter Chicken.

My Afrigator stats indicate that for some reason I get a lot of hits on my blog’s archive tag for March 2010. I wonder why, maybe it is because of the Kindle posts during that period?

Alexa adds “Bread”, “Sourdough” and “Star Trek” to the above.

The most hits I received in a short time was on the “Vodacom Complaint Letter” right after I posted a complaint on Vodacom’s facebook page.

etc, etc, etc, [maybe I am al little obsessed with my blog’s stats..]

Do you check your stats? What does it say?

Movember and the Avatar

2010-11-30T13:53:00.001+02:00

[WTF?? Blogger did not post the whole post yesterday, here it is again]

For the first time ever I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea, the Avatar, am going to discuss the In Real Life (IRL) me as if we were separate. For purposes of clarity, I’ll call him by his African name – Johannes Assegaai Maroleleng (Assegaai for short).

Now we are not really different personalities, we are the same person and when I talk about me I mean him and me and when he talks about him he means him and me. The only difference is that I do not mind my online friends meeting him IRL and know what his real name is, whereas he does not discuss me with his IRL friends and his colleagues. You’ll see that I never discuss work in this blog. Also, I have a much bigger online presence than him. He does not like facebook very much (neither do I – we prefer blogging), but in this day and age, one cannot NOT have a facebook profile. Also, he only follows 1 person on Twitter – a strange guy called Karl Bohlin. Not that he ever goes into his twitter account. – we sommer use mine. The only on-line schtuff he has and I don’t is a Linked-In and a Skype profile.

So why am I, the Avatar doing such a strange post... It is because of it being the end of the Movember Grow-a-Mo drive. As I have said in a previous post, he’s growing this Snor like many other guys in support of Movember. So I have blogged about it, facebooked about it, tweeted about it. He also facebooked about it. However, none of us have done much more in terms of raising money etc. He only got the mail from CANSA on the 1st of November and immediately decided to take part, but was a bit unprepared for it. Now we sit with the question – who are doing this Movember thing – him or me? Tricky one..., but this is what we have decided to do. For this year, he’ll donate money for Bongani from Highveld Stereo’s effort. Next year however, Assegaai will take the lead with the Movember initiative, raise funds, get is IRL friends involved etc, and I’ll only blog about it. He’ll have to be more active on HIS facebook page and do more about creating awareness.

So anyway here’s proof of my his our effort at various stages of growing a mo. The pictures are a bit strange because he took all of it himself, apart from the ones with the shades and with little Image which are also the final ones. He also took one of his new haircut, especially for Arkwife, since she’s asked.

Weird Food Scripture Cake

2010-11-29T10:24:00.001+02:00

When I started the ‘weird food’ posts, I never would have imagined that most of the weird food and recipes in the posts would come from America.

I found a real treasure trove of very old recipe books (e-book format) for free on the Gutenberg Project website. One of these is an Amish Cookbook, called ‘The Pennsylvania Dutch Cookbook’. In this cookbook I first saw a recipe for Scripture Cake.

No one knows where or when this cake was invented, but having encountered it in an old Amish cookbook, it is easy to imagine. It may have come from Europe or it may have been created on the Eastern Shore of early North America. It was sweet to eat, and a chance to modestly exhibit knowledge of the Bible. It was fun in the form of an early trivia game, and a great dish to take to a church supper.

As women moved westward across America, the recipe went with them as a small, treasured bit from “back home.” It usually travelled along as part of a prized collection of recipes.
The historical cake can still be made today. The instruction to girls probably was something like this; “Read the Biblical list of ingredients and write down your knowledge of the scriptural ingredients. Then, to be on the safe side, look in the Bible to verify your answers. You are now ready to make the cake and to your share in continuing an historical friendly tradition.”
I J, Hardspear de la Azotea certainly won’t be able to do that, so following the old Amish recipe I quote the scriptures (King James Version) with the conventional recipe right at the end.

ORIGINAL ‘SCRIPTURE’ RECIPE
1½ cups Judges 5:25
3 cups Jeremiah 6:20
6 Jeremiah 17:11
3½ cups Exodus 29:2
2 teaspoons Amos 4:5
2 Chronicles 9:9 to taste
A pinch of Mark 9:50
1 cup Genesis 24:17
1 tablespoon 1 Samuel 14:25
2 cups 1 Samuel 30:12
2 cups chopped dried Song of Solomon 2:13
2 cups slivered or chopped Numbers 17:8
Follow Solomon’s advice for making good boys, Proverbs 23:14

SCRIPTURES
From the King James Version:
Judges 5:25: “He asked water, and she gave him milk; she brought forth butter in a lordly dish”.
Jeremiah 6:20: “To what purpose cometh there to me incense from Sheba, and the sweet cane from a far country? Your burnt offerings are not acceptable, nor your sacrifices sweet unto me.”
Jeremiah 17:11: “As the partridge sitteth on eggs, and hatcheth them not; so he that getteth riches, and not by right, shall leave them in the midst of his days, and at his end shall be a fool.”
Exodus 29:2: “And unleavened bread, and cakes unleavened tempered with oil, and wafers unleavened anointed with oil: of wheaten flour shalt thou make them.”
Amos 4:5: “And offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving with leaven, and proclaim and publish the free offerings: for this liketh you, O ye children of Israel, saith the Lord GOD.”
2 Chronicles 9:9: “And she gave the king an hundred and twenty talents of gold, and of spices great abundance, and precious stones: neither was there any such spice as the queen of Sheba gave king Solomon.”
Mark 9:50: “Salt is good: but if the salt have lost his saltness, wherewith will ye season it? Have salt in yourselves, and have peace one with another.”
Genesis 24:17: And the servant ran to meet her, and said, Let me, I pray thee, drink a little water of thy pitcher.”
1 Samuel 14:25: “And all they of the land came to a wood; and there was honey upon the ground.”
1 Samuel 30:12: And they gave him a piece of a cake of figs, and two clusters of raisins: and when he had eaten, his spirit came again to him: for he had eaten no bread, nor drunk any water, three days and three nights.”
Song of Solomon 2:13: “The fig tree putteth forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grape give a good smell. Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away.”
Numbers 17:8: “And it came to pass, that on the morrow Moses went into the tabernacle of witness; and, behold, the rod of Aaron for the house of Levi was budded, and brought forth buds, and bloomed blossoms, and yielded almonds.”

Proverbs 23:14: Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

1½ cups butter
3 cups sugar
6 eggs
3½ cups flower
2 teaspoons baking power
½ teaspoon ground nutmeg
1 teaspoon ground cloves
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1 teaspoon allspice
A pinch of salt
1 cup water
1 tablespoon honey
2 cups raisins
2 cups chopped dried figs
2 cups slivered or chopped almonds

Preheat oven to 160 ˚C.

Cream together butter and sugar, beat in eggs one at a time, beating well after each one. Sift together flour, baking power, salt and spices. Add alternately with water to creamed mixture.

Stir in honey, fold in raisins, figs and almonds. Mix well. Turn into two well greased 23 x 13 x 8 cm loaf pans. Bake about 60 minutes, making sure not to over bake, until loaves test done by the toothpick test. Let cool for 30 minutes in pans before turning out onto rack.

Therefore, I tell you, don't be anxious for your life: what you will eat, or what you will drink; nor yet for your body, what you will wear. Isn't life more than food, and the body more than clothing? See the birds of the sky, that they don't sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns. Your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren't you of much more value than they? Matthew 6:25,26

Don't touch my wife on her studio!

2010-11-22T14:05:00.000+02:00

I haven’t given the whole Movember thing enough attention, although my snor is coming along nicely. My hair grows extremely fast and gets real curly, so by last week the curly hair and wide moustache made me look like a 70’s porrrnstarrr.

Soooo, I decided it was time for a haircut. I am very often dissatisfied with the haircuts I receive, since it only looks good for 1 day. Because of the curly hair, I cannot just have it trimmed with a trimmer. (I only do it for the savathon in march though). Since I drive past Tanaz hair salon in Corlett drive every day, and since I know they have a barber shop as well, I decided to give them a try. The stylist really knew what he was doing and I got a great haircut. (They need to use that funny scissors with the toothy comb-like blades to thin out my masses of hair and tame the curls). First time in my life I had my hair cut by an Indian guy. His name is Abdul and I will definitely go back. In fact, come 1st Dec, I think I am going to get my snor shaved off there!

My appearance is also not enhanced by the fact that I drove over my brand new glasses, and now having to wear a very old pair.

Saturday we went to see the pantomime at the Jo’burg theatre (Robinson Crusoe and the Caribbean Pirates). It was our company’s year-end function and the boss sponsored the play as well as lunch beforehand (and drinks, and parking vouchers and programmes). We were really looking forward and arranged to drop Image off at Lamb’s sister in Kempton Park. On our way there we had such a spectacular fight in the car, that by the time we reached Kempton Park, Lamb stated that she wished we stayed at home. I nearly rolled the car, so fast I turned around and started speeding back to V-town. We were already passing Bedfordview when Lamb said, “Ok, you’ve proved your point now, turn back again!” So there we were, on our way to Kempton Park yet again. We dropped Image off and I sped through Bruma, Bez Valley, Doornfontein & Braamfontein and got us to the Jo’burg / Civic / Nelson Mandela / whatever-the-latest-name-is-theatre not too late.

Lamb was her gregarious self (despite her chronic laryngitis which she picked up on account of talking REAL loud and being a teacher, which necessitates her to talk REAL loud for long periods of time – but more about that later). So as per usual Lamb was going on regaling everyone with funny anecdotes – she can make the most boring and insignificant event sound hysterically funny, when suddenly some COW from Scotland told Lamb that one of her stories was hardly the topic for dinner conversation! Now listen, I am allowed to fight with my wife, but if YOU touch HER on her studio, you touch ME on my studio! So off I went and told the whole table of my experience as Social Worker in the UK and that I think the dole has made the Brits weak, and how undisciplined their children are and that they all need a jolly good hiding, and teenage pregnancies just to get a flat and higher dole, and how the Brits think they can say whatever they want, whenever they want and to whom they want. A deathly silence went down all around the table and I ended my rant by saying: “Anyone for dessert?”

I ignored this woman flat out for the rest of the event and I could see that she was real uncomfortable. A pity though, because her husband is very nice and I wanted to talk to him – he has some very interesting job as social media analyst (on the security side) and he gets used by companies, governments etc.

Janice Honeyman & the cast outdid themselves again and the panto was very entertaining. One of the characters parodied Helen Zille and that was extremely funny!

I continued being contrary for the rest of the weekend...

Vodacom Complaint #2 & Automatic Complaint Letter Generators

2010-11-12T07:46:00.002+02:00

I, John Hard Spear De La Azotea wrote the previous post in a fit of anger. As I have indicated in an earlier post, I have started a new project and I am VERY busy. I need to prepare for yet another project starting in January. I have also been invited to do a proposal & pitch for a very big project at a multi-national next week.
I have so much to do on the current project, it is just not funny. The current client is situated in Hyde Park. You would have thought that I would get good 3G reception in Hyde FUCKING Park. Again, I do at a restaurant in Jan Smuts Avenue, but 1 Kilometre down a road off of Jan Smuts, the signal is like the trickle of piss of an old man with an enlarged prostate! Weak and halting!

Where did I get the time from to do a 4-page-in-msword long post? Well, I wrote the first quarter of a page and then used Scott Pakin’s Automatic Complaint Letter Generator on the web! I can’t really accuse Vodacom of all the stuff randomly generated by this website, but it was intensely satisfying to read and post onto my blog. So... that post was done in no time at all! also check out http://crazyoldmanletters.com

How do you feel about your cellular service provider?

VODACOM complaint

2010-11-11T11:58:00.004+02:00

Due to the nature of my work, I work all over Johannesburg visiting clients. I only EVER find good 3G Broadband receptions in restaurants and at the airport. Everywhere else it is downright shit!

Two weeks ago I worked at one of my clients’ offices in Isando – DIAGONALLY OPPOSITE THIS BILLBOARD! (Cellphone photo – not good quality). It proclaims: BESTEST BROADBAND IN SA. This, whilst 500 metres away from this billboard (I could see it from the window) I had WEAK and INTERMITTENT signal!

I am SICK and FED-UP with VODACOM or VODAKAK as they are also known. And this is not by far the only complaint I have about them. I have had it with their HOPELESS and HAMFISTED SERVICE as well.

This is my opinion of VODACOM:

I am not short on words, so please bear with the length of this letter. First and foremost, Vodacom's pouty attempt to construct a creative response to my previous letter was absolutely pitiful. Really, Vodacom, stringing together a bunch of solecistic insults and seemingly random babble is hardly effective. It simply proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that knowledge is the key that unlocks the shackles of bondage. That's why it's important for you to know that I see how important Vodacom's disgraceful, tactless hijinks are to its faithfuls and I laugh. I laugh because if you think that this is humorous or exaggerated, you're wrong. I, hardheaded cynic that I am, find that some of Vodacom's choices of words in its crusades would not have been mine. For example, I would have substituted "brain-damaged" for "Broadband" and "meddlesome" for "Yebo." The truth hurts, doesn't it, Vodacom? I had a conversation recently with some unprincipled prevaricators who were trying to intensify race hatred. That conversation convinced me that Vodacom is addicted to the feeling of power, to the idea of controlling people. Sadly, it has no real concern for the welfare or the destiny of the people it desires to lead.

Vodacom's worshippers employ carefully developed psychological techniques to influence the attitudes of dominant culture towards any environment or activity that is predominantly cacodemonic. In reaching that conclusion, I have made the usual assumption that I certainly have a hard time trying to reason with people who remain calm when they see Vodacom guarantee the destruction of anything that looks like a vital community. Vodacom has declared that it's staging a revolt against everyone who wants to institute change. Vodacom's revolting all right; the very sight of it turns my stomach. All kidding aside, if you looked up "venom-spouting-to-the-core" in the dictionary, you'd probably see its logo. I call this phenomenon "Vodacom-ism". The same might be said of irrational, mischievous pillocks. The problem is, if you're the type who dares to think for yourself, then you've probably already determined that Vodacom thinks it's good that its convictions weaken family ties. It is difficult to know how to respond to such monumentally misplaced values, but let's try this: I plan to hinder the power of asinine insurrectionists like it. This is a choice I have made; your choice is up to you. But let me remind you that Vodacom insists that individual worth is defined by race, ethnicity, religion, or national origin. Sorry, Vodacom, but, with apologies to Gershwin, "it ain't necessarily so." I'm sorry if I've gotten a little off track here, but if I were a complete sap, I'd believe Vodacom's line that statism can quell the hatred and disorder in our society. Unfortunately for it, I realize that Vodacom's callow game of chess -- the ultra-uppity chess of cynicism -- has continued for far too long. It's time to checkmate this malodorous pickpocket and show it that its apparatchiks are tools. Like a hammer or an axe, they are not inherently evil or destructive. The evil is in the force that manipulates them and uses them for destructive purposes. That evil is Vodacom, who wants nothing less than to canonize fatuitous fast-buck artists as nomological emblems of propriety.

At times, we all have an axe to grind. Currently, I'm grinding my axe in regards to Vodacom's writings. Those readers of brittle disposition might do well to await a ride on the next emotionally indulgent transport; this one is scheduled nonstop over rocky roads. As soon as you're strapped in I'll announce something to the effect of how Vodacom presents itself as a disinterested classicist lamenting the infusion of politically motivated methods of pedagogy and analysis into higher education. It is eloquent in its denunciation of modern scholarship, claiming it favors what I call dishonest, rebarbative witlings. And here we have the ultimate irony because it wasn't so long ago that people like you and me were free to free people from the spell of commercialism that it has cast over them. Recently, that's become a lot harder to do. What happened that changed things so much? To put it briefly, Vodacom happened. By breaking down traditional values, Vodacom has managed to shatter and ultimately destroy our most precious possessions.

Vodacom's delusional accusations often resemble an inverted fairy tale in that the triumph of innocence comes at the start and the ugly sisters of nativism and colonialism enter on stage in triumph for the final curtain. I and Vodacom part company when it comes to the issue of demagogism. It feels that science is merely a tool invented by the current elite to maintain power while I claim that those who have most injured and oppressed humanity, that have most deeply sinned against it, are, according to Vodacom's standards and conscience, good people. Apparently, bad people are those who have noticed that Vodacom's froward ebullitions lobotomize everyone caught thinking an independent thought. Vodacom then blames us for that. Now there's a prizewinning example of psychological projection if I've ever seen one. Vodacom practically breaks its arm patting itself on the back when it says, "It takes courage to go down into the muddy trenches and shank the working class in the back to keep the cash spigots flowing." As if that were something to be proud of. At this point, our task is to address a number of important issues. Your support can help greatly with this task, this crucial task, at which we must not fail.

I don't know how to tell you this, but Vodacom's bons mots are exemplary of the forces minorities must fight in their struggle to achieve equal footing with the rest of the community. Before I start, however, I should state that to understand what Vodacom's particularly mischievous form of interventionism has encompassed as a movement and as a system of rule, we have to look at its historical context and development as a form of complacent politics that first arose in early twentieth-century Europe in response to rapid social upheaval, the devastation of World War I, and the Bolshevik Revolution. We need to oust Vodacom and its cold-blooded apologists from anywhere we find them handing over the country to the worst types of antisocial phlegmatic-types I've ever seen. Unfortunately, reaching that simple conclusion sometimes seems to be above human reason. But there is a wisdom above human, and to that we must look if we are ever to reach the broadest possible audience with the message that this is a contributing factor to the apparent decline of civilization and culture around us. Vodacom would have me wander around in a quagmire of self-pity and depression. Nevertheless, I can state with absolute certainty that it is squarely in favor of interdenominationalism and its propensity to fleece people out of their life's savings. This is so typical of Vodacom: it condemns bigotry and injustice except when it benefits it personally. Vodacom's cajoleries are a pastiche of beer-guzzling moral relativism and rash, lewd resistentialism.

Unless you're a newly hatched pod person you already know that there is a political agenda behind the "Vodacom answers to no one" malarkey. But let me add that no clear-thinking individual would have the temerity to lower this country's moral tone and depreciate its commercial integrity. To plunge right into it, Vodacom twists every argument into some sort of "struggle" between two parties. Vodacom unvaryingly constitutes the underdog party, which is what it claims gives it the right to channel the pursuit of scientific knowledge into a narrow band of accepted norms that are based exclusively on its truculent biases. Vodacom always looks the other way when one of its trucklers gets it in his head to ransack people's homes. Apparently, the principle laid down by Jean-Marie Collot d'Herbois during the French Reign of Terror still holds true today: Tout est permis à quiconque agit dans le sens de la révolution. Let's play a little game. Deduct one point from your I.Q. if you fell for Vodacom's ridiculous claim that it is omnipotent. Deduct another point if you failed to notice that Vodacom needs to stop living in denial. It needs to wake up and realize that there are those who are informed and educated about the evils of terrorism, and there are those who are not. Vodacom is one of the uninformed, naturally, and that's why it is inherently devious, officious, and unscrupulous. Oh, and it also has a muddleheaded mode of existence.

It is pointless to fret about the damage already caused by Vodacom's sinful, larcenous opuscula. The past cannot be changed. We must cope with the present if we hope to affect our future and denounce those who claim that ethical responsibility is merely a trammel of earthbound mortals and should not be required of a demigod like Vodacom. With friends like Vodacom, who needs enemies? I mean, everything I've said so far is by way of introduction to the key point I want to make in this letter. My key point is that it ignores a breathtaking number of facts, most notably:

Fact: Its slogans are the opiate of the doctrinaire.

Fact: When it asks a question it's usually intended more as an insult than as a request for information.

Fact: Its dupes will leave us high and dry as they twist the teaching of history to suit Vodacom's nefarious purposes.

In addition, even when Vodacom bespeaks us fair to our faces it expresses quite different thoughts behind our backs. No joke.

Those of us who are too lazy or disinterested to provide a positive, confident, and assertive vision of humanity's future and our role in it have no right to complain when it and its drones create a climate in which it will be assumed that our achievements reflect not individual worth, talent, or skill, but special consideration. When I say that it may be helpful to take a step back and follow knowledge like a sinking star beyond the utmost bound of human thought, I consider this to mean that Vodacom has never gotten ahead because of its hard work or innovative ideas. Rather, all of Vodacom's successes are due to kickbacks, bribes, black market double-dealing, outright thuggery, and unsavory political intrigue. Vodacom has stated that a richly evocative description of a problem automatically implies the correct solution to that problem. That's just pure statism. Well, in Vodacom's case, it might be pure ignorance, seeing that Vodacom's insidious, addlepated paroxysms leave the current power structure untouched while simultaneously killing countless children through starvation and disease. Are these children its enemies? The key to answering such questions is to realize that for Vodacom, all roads lead to sadism. The time has come to choose between freedom or slavery, revolt or submission, and liberty or Vodacom's particularly dysfunctional form of stoicism. It's clear what Vodacom wants us to choose, but it's our responsibility to disentangle people from the snares set by it and its pals. That's the first step in trying to uplift individuals and communities on a global scale to make efforts directed towards broad, long-term social change, and it's the only way to shape a world of dignity and harmony, a world of justice, solidarity, liberty, and prosperity. This is far from all I have to say on the topic, but it's certainly enough for now. Just remember one thing: There is considerable evidence to show that Vodacom is serious about wanting to torment, harry, and persecute anyone who crosses its path.

If ever I had a tough letter to write, this is it. My challenge is to convince you that Vodacom's pleas are based on some deep-rooted personality disorder. Before I get moving here, let me point out that Vodacom will create some poxy, pseudo-psychological profile of me to discredit my opinions because it possesses a hatred that defies all logic and understanding, that cannot be quantified or reasoned away, and that savagely possesses impetuous perjurers with supercilious and uncontrollable rage. If Vodacom can overawe and befuddle a sufficient number of prominent individuals then it will become virtually impossible for anyone to contribute to the intellectual and spiritual health of the body politic. Nevertheless, Vodacom's plan is to lead us into an age of shoddiness—shoddy goods, shoddy services, shoddy morals, and shoddy people. Vodacom's intimates are moving at a frightening pace toward the total implementation of that agenda, which includes stifling dissent.

To pick an obvious but often overlooked example, Vodacom can't fool me. I've met intolerant fence-sitters before so I know that I have a scientist's respect for objective truth. That's why I'm telling you that Vodacom's failure to overcome the obstacles that people like it establish is so noisome that the grossly fallacious reasoning behind Vodacom's effusions can be confirmed by some simple fact-checking. Now that that's cleared up, I'll continue with what I was saying before, that the justification it gave for wasting taxpayers' money was one of the most bookish justifications I've ever heard. It was so bookish, in fact, that I will not repeat it here. Even without hearing the details you can still see my point quite clearly: Even when the facts don't fit, Vodacom sometimes tries to use them anyway. It still maintains, for instance, that it is a paragon of morality and wisdom.

Since most people oppose Vodacom's loquacious epigrams, it has had to torment, harry, and persecute anyone who crosses its path using every manipulative means imaginable. The irony is that Vodacom's most coprophagous accusations are also its most self-centered. As the French say, "Les extremes se touchent." It's a well-known fact that I have always lived my life by the mantra, "A good person will deal stiffly with mad cockalorums who foment, precipitate, and finance large-scale wars to emasculate and bankrupt nations and thereby force them into a one-world government". It's an equally well-known fact that I, unlike Vodacom, refuse to view countries and the people that live in them either as economic targets to be exploited or as military targets to be defeated. When logic puts these two facts together, the necessary result is an understanding that on several occasions I have heard it state that all it takes to start a rabbit farm is a magician's magic hat. I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a comment. What I consider far more important though is that if I am correctly informed, Vodacom's writings are not just retroactively ineffective but proactively inert. In any case, its attendants like to say, "Vodacom's press releases enhance performance standards, productivity, and competitiveness." Such frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. If someone wants me to believe something squalid like that, that person will have to show me some concrete evidence. Meanwhile, I intend to show you that many, many people have been hurt by Vodacom for daring to make efforts directed towards broad, long-term social change. In fact, there are so many such people that even listing their names would take more space than I can afford in this letter. In their honor, though, I will say that if Vodacom's thinking were cerebral rather than glandular, it wouldn't consider it such a good idea to replace our timeless traditions with its unambitious ones.

One thing to keep in mind is that I call upon Vodacom to stop its oppression, lies, immorality, and debauchery. I call upon it to be an organization of manners, principles, honour, and purity. And finally, I call upon it to forgo its desire to shatter and ultimately destroy our most precious possessions.

Although I can find only circumstantial evidence of misconduct and rule violations, over time, Vodacom's philippics have progressed from being merely rummy to being superrummy, hyperrummy, and recently ultrarummy. In fact, I'd say that now they're even megarummy. Now, lest you jump to the conclusion that doing the fashionable thing is more important than life or liberty, I assure you that idle hands are the devil's tools. That's why Vodacom spends its leisure time devising ever more deplorable ways to have more impact on Earth's biological, geological, and chemical systems during our lifetime and our children's than all preceding human generations had together. It's incredible to me that anybody could be so twisted. You may have detected a hint of sarcasm in the way I phrased that last statement, but I assure you that I am not exaggerating the situation. I suppose that's all I have to say in this letter. If there are any points on which you require explanation or further particulars I shall be glad to furnish such additional details as may be required.

Vodacom is utterly dotty. We all are, to some extent, but it sets the curve. As I've said in the past, Vodacom's sympathizers insist that Vodacom can achieve its goals by friendly and moral conduct. I say to them, "Prove it" -- not that they'll be able to, of course, but because every time Vodacom tries, it gets increasingly successful in its attempts to force some to live by restrictive standards not applicable to others. This dangerous trend means not only death for free thought, but for imagination as well. We must inculcate in the reader an inquisitive spirit and a skepticism about beliefs that Vodacom's trained seals take for granted. As mentioned above, however, that is not enough. It is necessary to do more. It is necessary to make Vodacom answer for its wrongdoings. I close this letter along the same lines it opened on: Vodacom plants false evidence to incriminate its adversaries. That's all I have to say. Thank you for reading this letter.

I am going to put this on their facebook page as well. Maybe if I complain long and hard enough, they’ll offer me a position as Trevor Noah’s Counterpart!

Severe Blogging withdrawal symptoms

2010-11-10T06:45:00.000+02:00

I started on a new project on Monday - things a bit hectic - cannot quite get round to blogging.

Suffering from severe blogging withdrawal though!

Be back soon!

Movember - Grow a Mow for Cancer Awarenes - CANSA Campaign

2010-11-01T08:47:00.001+02:00

Hi there!

CANSA is the one cause I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea try to support. Every year in March back the shavathon campaign by having my hair shaved off with a nr 1 clipper. This year will be the first time I support their men's health campaign by growing a lipwig during the month of November.

Please advise me as to which style I should go for... maybe one of those thin pencil stripes.

Please also visit the campaign page, and get the large version of the different styles (picture below)

Do you also wonder where the word mustache come from... I've saved you the trouble and went to have a look on the Online Etymology Website: Here is what they say...

mustache

1580s, from Fr. moustache, from It. mostaccio, from Medieval Gk. moustakion, dim. of Doric mystax (gen. mystakos) "upper lip, mustache," related to mastax "jaws, mouth," lit. "that with which one chews," from PIE base *mnto- "mouth" (see mouth). Borrowed earlier (1550s) as mostacchi, from the It. word or its Sp. derivative mostacho. The plural form of this, mustachios, lingers in English. Dutch slang has a useful noun, de befborstel, to refer to the mustache specifically as a tool for stimulating the clitoris; probably from beffen "to stimulate the clitoris with the tongue."

...the Dutch... [shaking my head]

Where have all the good men gone ...

2010-10-27T08:09:00.001+02:00

...and where are all the gods?

Where’s the streetwise Hercules

to fight the rising odds?

I need a hero...

Yesterday I read a post in which the blogger reminisced about old TV programmes like Night Rider, Buck Rogers, MacGyver, Airwolf etc.

I thought about it again as I started to make my way home after work. It struck me that I do not have a hero and I really felt like I should have one... like when I was little. I mean, Buck Rogers and Steve Austin - Die Man van Staal (The Six Million Dollar Man) – they were my ultimate heroes.

When did I stop having heroes and why?

Why should it be different now that I am nearly 38? I thought about it long and hard, and the issue really bothered me a lot. I then decided from now on I am going to have heroes again and I chose the 1st 3. In no particular order I chose as follows:

- Riaan Cruywagen. He has been reading the news since I was pre-school. I promise. All you Saffers will know that I am not exaggerating. He is such a gentleman, with his stupid jokes at the end of the news and all, and his slightly too green eye make-up and his toupee. I mean, like how old is he?

- Miles Vorkosigan. My favourite SciFi character from my favourite SciFi author – Lois McMaster Bujold. One cannot describe Miles, you have to read the books.

- Natalie du Toit. For obvious reasons.

What purpose will it serve for me having heroes? I don’t know, but I feel better for having heroes again...

What about everybody else? Do you still have heroes?

Sleg!

2010-10-25T14:17:00.000+02:00

Slegte Kos! (Bad tasting food). I am still stuck on this - what makes something taste good to some and horrible to others.

I do not like tripe, liver or kidneys and I do not drink milk. That is not too uncommon - many people do not eat tripe.

I cannot stand cotton candy (candyfloss)(spookasem). I cannot touch it and I cannot put it in my mouth. I know people who won't eat cheese. I know someone who are positively revolted by fresh fruit and someone who shuns butter, margarine & mayonaise.

Do you have any particular food dislikes and why?

If dangerous driving does not get me, clogged arteries will

2010-10-22T09:41:00.000+02:00

I know this is so WRONG on every level, but like Dexter I, J. Hardspear de La Azotea like eating junk food whilst driving. Also the messier, the lekkerder. Here’s a list of my favourite drive food:

• Wimpy Bacon & Cheese Burger with Extra Relish. (Toasted version is slightly easier to eat in the car, but then you have to hold the sandwich/burger horizontal to take a bite. It takes a while to scrub the pink stains from the cheap tomato sauce off your fingers again.

• Woolworths Pie. Just be careful – they are always extremely hot. Take a bite out of the crust at the corner to expose the filling and hold in front of the aircon vent to blow cold air in. You’ll be able to take a safe bite within the first two kilometres. Your whole car will be covered in flaky crumbs.

• Quattro Stagioni Pizza with extra cheese. Just wash the grease off of the steering wheel at your destination.

• Soft Serve Ice Cream on a Cone (at least 4 turns of Ice Cream) on a hot day you have to eat especially fast. If you break hard it usually ends up in crotch of your black work trousers.

• A mega lemon & poppy seed muffin from a garage cafe.

What is your favourite car food?

A Twitter Song

2010-10-21T09:21:00.000+02:00

Mark Pilgrim called this 'The Twitter Song' on the radio yesterday. Since then the "tweet tweet twee-twee-twee tweet tweet" part got stuck in my head. I hear it over and over and over and over and over again.

Here is Pack Up by Eliza Doolittle:

ps. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF SOCIAL NETWORKING, YOUNG LUKE. Or shall we say Woolworths. Christian mags are back on the Point of Sales "cattle passages" at Woollies!

Woolworths bans Christian Magazines

2010-10-20T12:33:00.000+02:00

Wow. You should see the reaction over Woolworths’ decision not to stock Christian magazines any longer. See News24 Article.

Personally I do not buy them. I once bought the Christian-endorsed magazine “Intiem” which proved to be quite risqué in terms of its target market. I was surprised by the quality of content, topics of discussion etc.
However... although I find most South African Christian Magazines a trifle boring, just as I find the Cosmopolitan, Huisgenoot, You and GQ boring, there is in essence nothing wrong with them. They are aimed at a specific target market and are enjoyed by many.

Getting to my point... I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea think it is very hypocritical of Woolworths doing this and calling it a “business decision”. Woolworths started unpacking Christmas stuff in their stores on the 30th OF SEPTEMBER ALREADY! They are always and forever welcoming their Jewish Customers during Rosh Hashanah, Hindu Customers during Diwali, Muslim Customers during Ramadan, etc. They stock Halaal and Kosher products, but they serve Mammon! (Stop me, I am starting to sound like a manic street preacher!)

I wish I had more backbone to join the Woolies boycott, but I am dreaming of Butter-Caramel filled Mini Swiss Rolls. Maybe I am as much of a goody-goody-two-shoe as they are...

Awarding an Angel

2010-10-19T12:15:00.000+02:00

I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea are for the first time honoring another blogger with an award. Angel consistently scores as the best commenter on my blog. Thanks Angel, you mean so much to me. Go add this to your wonderful collection!

Julia says...

2010-10-19T06:52:00.000+02:00

New Blog Alert!

"Julia says, she doesn't know what it's all about..."

Now I have that frigging Wet Wet Wet song stuck in my head.

Anyway, go have a look at what Julia says over at Unwritten

Pee on your lemon tree

2010-10-18T10:03:00.000+02:00

My pen-pusher hands took some severe mauling this weekend. As you may or may not know people with ADD tend to overdo things a bit at times.
The previous weekend Lamb bought a few trays of seedlings in order to get some colour in our garden. I bought a few herb plants. We never got round planting it, so it spent the week under a tree on the front lawn. Then this past Saturday, Image and I went to the nursery again, they had a special on lemon trees (R44.00 for shoulder height) they cost up to R300 sometimes! Now with Lamb not there to put some restraint on me, I ended up spending R500.
I am not a good gardener, and have not spent time in the garden in AGES (other than watering it). So, unlike Tamara, with her green fingers, I generally do not know the names of plants (unless it is of the edible variety of course). This is what (over two weekends) we bought: Lamb: seedlings (petunias, I think), geraniums-which-is-actually-pelargoniums (I looked it up just now – we call it ‘Malvas’ in Afrikaans – but it has nothing to do with the pudding) and a few bags of compost. Hardspear: more seedlings – I don’t know the name but conical shaped ones with 2/3rds dark green leaves at the bottom and 1/3 dark red pointy flowers on top, 3 lavender bushes, the on-special-lemon-tree, a shrub of some sort, a shitload coriander, basil and chilli plants (very small), a larger basil and coriander, traditional curly leaf parsley and chives. I bought more compost, bone meal and LAN lawn dressing.
Then... yesterday (Sunday)... after church we went to the shops and got home at 12:00. I donned myself in old clothes, wide brim floppy khaki hat, slathered sunscreen on (Lamb’s SPF 30 ROC on neck shoulders and her SPF 50 Vichy on my face – which I sweated off within 10 minutes) and my trusty old Crocks on my feet. I then proceeded with serious back-breaking work:
• Prepared the built-in flowerbox by the kitchen door for Lamb. Tilled the soil & mixed with compost. Watered.
• Dug 3 holes next to the back wall in the garden. Arduous – since the soil is extremely poor and hard packed. Not even the recent rain loosened it much.
• I have two large loquat trees on the sidewalk (left of the drive-way) – and schtuff does not grow well under it, but I managed to get the better part covered in small-leaved ivy. It took years. To the right of the driveway is a small ugly square, where I managed to get a rectangular frame of dessert roses growing. So inside the frame I dug another 3 holes and planted the lavender in a row from the wall to the street. In-between I put some of the pointy red flowers.
• Dug a yet another big hole in the hard packed stretch next to the back wall. My mother-in-law says it is better to put compost/potting soil mixed with ordinary soil in large outside planters, since it keeps water better. Proceeded to mixed soil with compost as per the old woman’s advice.
• Planted a dying indoors potplant, the shrub and lemon tree next to the back wall. Took out a few waist length weeds (my fortnightly gardiner spends all his time in the beautiful shady front garden, but avoids the massive back garden totally. My back garden is like The Beginning – formless and empty. (Though I don’t believe the Spirit of God hovers over the water since we do not have a pool). I do hope he (or his Angels) hovers over the whole property though – I pray that anyway...
• Screamed at the dogs who got hold of the bag of bone meal and licking it and rolling in it where they spilled it.
• Put layer of rocks and gravel at the bottom of two big empty planters and then filled it with compost & soil mix. Shouted for Lamb that flower box & planters are ready, she can come and do the very tasking sticking-in of seedlings & pelargiums.
• Nearly gave myself a hernia by picking up a very large planter (full of wet soil – but devoid of plants) in the front garden, loading it on a wheelbarrow and taking it to the back. My boardshorts split from my crotch right down the left leg as I was straining to lift the damn thing. Lamb nearly wet herself. Repeated the process with second large planter, pants split further.
• Arranged one narrow tall planter, two large squat planters and a number of small pots in a corner near kitchen door. Planted most of the larger herbs in the big planters. Took all the small ones out of their trays and re-planted them in the smaller pots.
• Suddenly got MASSIVE headache – ate a sandwich, drank gallons of water and one of those migraine kits one get from the pharmacy.
• Watered everything – swept up the dirt, cleaned up and stashed the garden tools.
• Peed on the lemon tree through torn shorts. Cool, only had to negotiate out of my Jockey’s no zippers or waistbands to hamper.
Finished by 19:00. Took a bath and really had to scrub to get myself clean again. Lamb then got a very bad allergic reaction, sneezing, coughing and itching all over. Drove to emergency pharmacy to get Allergex. I am wondering if perhaps the moist compost from the sealed plastic bags contained high levels of spores or something, hence my sudden headache and Lamb’s allergic reaction.
My long departed uncle had the most beautiful healthy lemon tree in his garden bearing massive fat, juicy lemons. He believed that this was due to him and my cousin taking their last pee at night before going to bed, next to the lemon tree.
Looked it up on the web. Seems to be a good old Aussie tradition. When having a barbie, the men pee on the lemon tree. Apparently urine is also a very good compost activator.
I am still in a daze from whatever they put into that migraine kit...

Friday Morning

2010-10-15T06:20:00.000+02:00

Woke up at 2am, got up at 4, left home at 4:45, arrived at work at 5:40, made coffee, peed, played freecell, stole biscuits, tweeted, blogged, re-arranged my balls - ready to work at 6:20.

Tongue Orgasms – What makes something taste good? The elusive fifth taste?

2010-10-13T08:12:00.063+02:00

This post has been inspired by James Bond, Tamara and my own curiosity and quest for the perfect dish.

What makes something taste good? Well what? It is more than something being sweet, salty, bitter our sour and your preference. Oh so by the way, for the last ten years, they have added ‘umami’ to the list of primary tastes. So let’s digress...what is umami? Robin Rinaldi wrote:

“For this experiment you need five things: a pinch of sugar, a little table salt, a lemon, a cup of good black coffee and some chicken bouillon. Start by putting the sugar in your mouth. You'll notice an instant sensation you recognize as "sweet" up on the tip of the tongue; you may even feel a tiny head rush. Then do the same with the salt. This registers intense and mineral-like, spreading to the sides of the tongue. For the remaining three, you must hold your nose tightly to prevent the aromas from interfering with your taste perception. Bite into a wedge of lemon and feel how the whole mouth reacts against "sour." Next sip the coffee, whose steely "bitter" hardness lingers at the back of the palate. Now take a slow drink of bouillon. See what happens, how the whole tongue seems to light up? There's saltiness, yes, and a little sweetness, but there's something else. It leaves an almost warm, creamy trail as you swallow. You might call it "meaty" or "savoury."”... or UMAMI. Umami is a loanword from Japanese meaning "good flavour" or "good taste". In as much as it describes the flavour common to savoury products such as meat, cheese, and mushrooms, umami is similar to Brillat-Savarin's concept of osmazome, an early Western attempt to describe the main flavouring component of meat as extracted in the process of making stock. Umami is a pleasant savoury taste imparted by a NATURAL glutamate, a type of amino acid, and ribonucleotides, including inosinate and guanylate, which occur naturally in many foods including meat, fish, vegetables and dairy products.

As the taste of umami itself is subtle and blends well with other tastes to expand and round out flavours, most people don’t recognize umami when they encounter it, but it plays an important role making food taste delicious.

Umami is beef, pork, certain types of fish. Umami is potatoes, seaweed, carrots, mushrooms and sun-ripened tomatoes. The sun-riper – the umami-er. Über-umami is dry cured ham, parmesan cheese, MSG, fish sauce, dried fish, biltong & beef jerky, Worchester Sauce, A1 Sauce, HP Sauce, Bovril, Marmite, Vegemite and anchovies. Bacon is the King of Umami. Aromat is umami in a can. Umami is that what makes you scream “Ooooh Mommy!”

James Bond’s cover in ‘You only live twice’ was that of an industrial spy, trying to steal Osata’s formula for making Monosodium Glutamate. Tamara over at Doodles of a Journo cannot see what the great big fuss is over a juicy steak. She likes oriental dishes – also high in umami content.

Soooo, what is it that makes something taste good? It cannot be the umami thing on its own... There is no umami in Dulce de Leche Ice Cream...

The picture above is self-explanatory – it is a combination of so many things. However... I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea will still give you my own spin on this. We forget that other things play a role in what we perceive as good tasting and not. Sound... ‘Snap-Crackle-Pop’. The sound of insect legs rubbing together, a bubbling stew, sizzling meat/vegetables. You cannot properly taste a curry dish if you have a cold and your nose is blocked. Is it acceptable in your culture to eat live insects or do you gril?

I can even bring ADD into this. Tactile Defensiveness. Your little fussy-eater may not as much be averse to the taste of something, than not being able to tolerate the texture of it.

Fat. Cuts of meat marbled with fat throughout the muscle tissue is tastier that extremely lean meat. Oil, butter, lard, dripping etc. makes food just so much more tastier.

Method & preparation. Some people have the ability to assassinate the taste in even the best of ingredients. Some lovingly coax the very best out of quite mediocre stuff.

Gender? Generally men would classify meaty, starchy food as comfort food and women sweet stuff like chocolates & ice cream.

Piquanteness? Spiciness? Astringency? What about the pungents (onions, garlic, shallots, chives)? How does it look? Is it pleasing to the eye?

Now, MSG...MSG...MSG. MSG is fake umami. It is like using lurid yellow banana essence instead of real bananas. The fast food & ready-made-food industry can dress up the most horrible tasteless substance by adding MSG, excessive fats, hydrolyzed vegetable protein, excessive (hidden) salts, colourants, flavourants, additives, solidifiers, emulsifiers, preservatives etc, etc. When in doubt – cover in bacon and melted (processed) cheese.

Some research says these additives are safe, some say it is harmful, some say it’s addictive. Hell, I don’t know? Common sense dictates that it cannot be good though. Personally, too much fast foods, snacks etc makes me either full but not sated or sated but not full or whatever. It is not the same satisfied feeling one has after a proper square meal made from scratch.

The challenge then is this: To be able to make extremely tasty good food from fresh ingredients, bring out the natural umami, salt, sweetness, bitterness and sourness and by combining different tastes in such a manner that the introduction of that to your taste buds will cause them to experience multiple spontaneous and long lasting orgasms.

...and who is Robin Ronaldi...? I haven’t the faintest...

I wish all I have said in this post is original and my own, sadly it is not, I have just quilted bits from different websites & blogs together into this. It is however essentially what I WANT to say. (The thread for stitching the different pieces together was spun by me though...)

Gross Out Challenge

2010-10-12T07:42:00.001+02:00

Hi there!

Remember, I said that I came to the realisation that you can deep fry anything...

How about deep fried meatball & spaghetti on a stick! I got this from a photo-blog called 'this is why you are fat'. I challenge you to follow this link and click on older posts or newer posts till you are totall grossed out. I managed 35 clicks before I was sick to my stomach.

Roughly in life...J. Hardspear de la Azotea’s current obsessions

2010-10-05T12:07:00.000+02:00

Work... My current project ends in a month. I have sent my CV out, I have irons in the fire, my time on this project may get extended, I may patent a product and sell the manufacturing rights to Nabisco/Frito-Lay/NASA/UNILEVER/The Government of San Marino, OR...my blog may become super popular overnight and I can switch Google Ads on again and make tons.

Lady Gaga. Saw her on Oprah the other day. Realized her closet-personality is actually a NERD! Bought the Fame Monster CD yesterday (didn’t tell Lamb), listened to both CDs with headphones on my PC 3x today already.

Rain. Wish it would come now – looked super promising yesterday

My weight. Bought USN Phedra Cut XT yesterday (didn’t tell Lamb)

My Finances. The lack thereof exacerbated by my excessive frittering away of money.

SANRAL. GFIP to be completed over the next 5 millennia.

My Blogging Stats. (Will do a separate post on that one)

Lamb. We’ve been having a number of ups-and-downs lately but lately more ups.

Janis Joplin. Oh Lord won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz. See YouTube below for coolest clip you have ever seen. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO DIE?

Baconaise – Blogged about it before – Now available in SA from P’nP Hyper. Sinfully delicious.

Lamb. Worried about her health. She went to see a Iridologist / Naturopath – seems to get slowly better (Chronic fatigue, horse voice a.o.)

Science Fiction. I promise you, I really have 1000 sci-fi books on my Kindle. Currently reading Ringworld by Larry Niven. He wrote it in 1970 – won the Hugo, Nebula and Locus (3 biggest SF awards).

Image. Cuter than ever. Talks, strong-willed, lovable, her 2nd birthday is coming up early November.

Dad. Seems to be doing well. Bought a new car.

Sister Honey Bee. Health has improved.

Paula Deen. Her Lasagne Sandwich

My friends. Guilt...I am neglecting them...

eMalahleni. Formerly known as Witbank. Going there Thursday & Friday.

Soda Water. With lotsa ice and slice of lemon. Can drink tons. Or is it kilo-litres?

Amatomu. What happened to it?

Sport. Infidelity, match fixing, suicide attempts, politicians interfering, illegal substances.

Muscle Cars. I want a Chev SS like my Grandfather had. Yellow with a black roof and double black stripes on the bonnet and boot. The sound of that engine is enough to make me hard.

Stimulants. Ritalin. They used to give it to American Troops in the Vietnam War to combat battle fatigue.

Summer. Balmy evenings, the delicious smell of Syringa Tree blooms (atichoooooo!). Sound of impulse sprayers wetting countless lawns, braai fires.

Heidi, Pinocchio & Nemo. Image’s current favourite DVDs.

The Dutch. My funny colleague. The funniest ever, EVER video clip on YouTube.

Afrigator. Why is it so damn slow

Twitter. 1 Tweet per day diet.

Amazon Kindle. Lamb currently annexed mine.

Kathy Reichs. Bones to Ashes. Reading physical copy since Lamb has spread like a fungus all over my Kindle. I still read paper books. Got nothing against them.

Sheebee. She knelt on her Amazon Kindle DS. Wonder how she managed that. Wonder if it can be repaired.

BlackBerry PlayBook. The Apple iPad has competition. The Amazon Kindle is NOT competition. eBook Readers are not to be confused with Tablet PC devices!

Zombie. What’s in your head, in your head?

Five kinds of Mushroom Risotto with Black Truffle Aroma

2010-09-28T07:17:00.000+02:00

This is the ultimate in decadence and sort of inspired by Delia Smith.... Risotto with all the mushrooms you can find.

Recently I was invited to a cook-off. The idea was for the guys (French Rock the convener, Home Ruler the publisher, Jacob my Brother-in-Law and me) to do the cook-off and impress the ladies in their lives (or some of their lives – French Rock is not what you would call a ladies-man). Each participant had to make 2 dishes. I made my Borscht (beetroot soup) for starters and the most decadent Mushroom Risotto for a side. The other guys made a.o. pork neck with exotic spices & sticky sauce, aubergine rolls with goat’s cheese stuffing, fresh steamed vegetables and a chocolate terrine.
I gave the beetroot soup a little Hungarian inspiration by using Kolbasz Sausage to flavour, but I’ll do another post on that. Let’s get to the Risotto. You’ll need the following:

2-3 l stock. If you can find – use Telma mushroom stock cubes – if not – make chicken stock

2 cups risotto rice

2x50 g butter

250 ml dry white wine

All the different kinds mushrooms you can lay your hands on. If you can only find button mushrooms, no problem, but it is funner (Phoebe-ism) if you can use more. Woolworths and P’nP stock quite a selection these days. I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea used these mushrooms:

-Enoki

-Shiitake

-White Button

-Portabellini

-Dried Porcini

juice of half a lemon

2 cloves of garlic – mashed

enough freshly grated parmesan/pecorino combo. (Delia Smith would insist on the very original Parmigianio Reggiano and Pecorino Romano)

freshly ground black pepper

Few drops of Black Truffle Aroma (Friend Cara Noir imported it from France and gave me some) OR Truffle infused oil.

Fresh Parsley (chopped)

An hour before the time heat the wine till very warm, but not boiling and soak the Porcini in the wine. After 1 hour drain, but keep the liquid.

Slice and sauté the button-, portabellini and shiitake mushrooms in butter and add the Porcini & Truffle oil. Saute the Enoki separately and only very briefly.

Keep the stock warm on the stove and a ladle handy. Melt butter in a large heavy-bottomed saucepan (medium-low heat). Add garlic and rice and stir till all the rice grains are covered and glistening. Add the liquor drained from the porcini. Stir continuously. As soon as most of the fluid has been absorbed by the rice, add a ladle of stock. Repeat the process till the rice is al dente (soft but firm). It should look creamy, but not mushy or watery. This should take about 20 minutes and you should have used most (if not all) of the stock. Add the Porcini, Portabellini, Shiitake mix

Add half of the pecorino/parmesan mix and give a good stir - serve the rest of the grated cheese at the table. Add a little black pepper, lemon juice and garnish with enoki mushrooms & parsley.

Risotto MUST go from stove to plate and be eaten immediately.

Risotto is actually a better dish on its own with a simple salad. I wouldn’t make it as a side again.

Trying to format a Microsoft Word Document created by someone else...

2010-09-23T13:09:00.001+02:00

Today I am doing a Vital Statistics Graph post for a change...(inspired by GraphJam), but born out of my own frustration.

Have you ever wanted to make a small change to a Microsoft Word Document created by someone else? A task which you thought would take 30 seconds, leaves you tearing your hair an hour later. Trying to make this little change completely disturbed the auto numbering.

You immediately turn on the hidden formatting symbols to try and figure out what the other person/idiot/alien from outer space did. You find that the imbecile used a combination of automatic numbering, manual numbering, the tab button and even the spacebar to put the start of different lines underneath each other.

I have been using MS Word extensively since its DOS days. I consider myself to be an advanced user, but the mess some morons create in a word document is irreparable.

It’s sometimes easier to re-type the whole damn thing.

Deep fried Cheese Cake – Paula Deen shows how

2010-09-22T09:53:00.004+02:00

As part of the ‘Weird Food’ posts I sometimes do, I am going to create a sub-category, called “you can deep fry anything”. Here is the first one. I have done a post on Paula Deen before. Although all her recipes will increase your cholesterol considerably, I cannot help but love her. Paula Deen is is an American cook, restaurateur, author, actress and Emmy Award-winning television personality. When younger, Paula Deen suffered from agoraphobia (fear of public and/or unfamiliar places, especially large, open, spaces such as shopping malls or airports). She never left her house. Then one day she started cooking and baking and had her sons deliver the stuff she made. Immersing herself in making food and money from it, she overcame her anxiety disorder. This is a short clip, you HAVE to see this.

Braai 4 Heritage 2010 - Sosaties

2010-09-20T13:29:00.002+02:00

My tweede Afrikaanse post. Net betyds vir Nasionale Braaidag. Ek het nou al soveel keer op hierdie blog gebrag met die sosatie kompetisie wat ek in die Sarie-Kos gewen het, maar ek het nog nooit die resep gepos nie. Hier is die storie wat ek bygeskryf het om die redakteurs se aandat te trek en die resep aan die einde Sarie het my storie bietie ge-edit, maar hier is die oorspronklike soos ek dit ingestuur het. As ‘n mens darem op ‘n Saterdag so by ‘n kleindorpie Boeremark rondloop, kan die reuk van sosaties wat braai by die Hervormde Kerk se stalletjie jou lelik honger maak. Synde dat die Susters by die Hervormde Kerk egter nie hulle geheime resep wil deel nie, het ek besluit om my eie te ontwikkel vir hierdie kompetisie. Ek wou al lankal deelneem, maar ek het nie ‘n lekker melktert resep nie en hoewel ek ‘n lekker tamatie en uiesmoor maak, is dit niks uitsonderlik nie. Ek het wel ‘n ou beproefde familieresep vir sosaties, maar ek het besluit om ook aan die voete van Gamaliël te gaan sit en kers opsteek. Ja, ek het besluit om die Groot Gewere te raadpleeg. So vervolgens die Groot Gewere wie ek geraadpleeg het en hoekom: 1. Mevrou S. Van H. Tulleken. Haar boek, Die Praktiese Kookboek vir Suid-Afrika was die eerste resepteboek wat, sover as wat ek kan agterkom, in Afrikaans gepubliseer is. Die voorwoord deur Tannie Isie Smuts is gedateer Desember 1922. Ek kry partykeer ‘n baie groot knop in my keel as ek my kopie van hierdie boek deurblaai. Dit het oorspronklik aan my Ma se Tannie Debora Baasden behoort. Tannie Debora, of Tan soos ons haar genoem het, se teenwoordigheid is aanvoelbaar in die boek. Oral val ou poskaarte van Rhodesië en troukaartjies van vergete familielede uit waarop Tan haastig resepte neergeskryf het. Ook het Tan ‘n baie duidelike regmerk gemaak by resepte van Mev. Van Tulleken wat sy gereeld met sukses gemaak het. Mevrou van Tulleken het drie pond vleis gebruik haar resep en sy praat nog van knoflok. 2. S.J.A. de Villiers. Jou Ouma se Kook en Geniet was blou-groen, jou Ma s’n was rooi en joune het ‘n volkleurfoto van gebraaide skaapboud op die voorblad. Daar is twee resepte vir sosaties in – een gewoon en een grootmaat. 3. Sannie Smit. Sannie was die destydse hoof huishoudkundige by die Vleisraad gewees. Sy kon nou vir jou ‘n stuk vleis gaarmaak! Ek wens ek het die Afrikaanse uitgawe gehad, maar ek is steeds dankbaar vir my All Colour South African Cookbook wat ek in ‘n tweedehandse boekwinkel opgespoor het. Voor in die boek in blou ink drukskrif staan geskryf: “To our Mother on the occasion of our first Christmas 1985 in South Africa. All our love. David and Ian.” Te wyte aan die baie spatsels op die bladsy vir Roast Beef & Yorkshire Pudding was die Tannie helaas meer partydig teenoor die kos van die land van haar herkoms. Ewenwel, Sannie se resep was die inspirasie vir die ‘dubbel gemarineerd’. 4. Cass Abrahams. Die oorsprong van die sosatie is immers Kaap-Maleis. Cass het Kaap-Maleis weer op die map geplaas en blykbaar is Madiba gaande na haar kos. Cass bedien die sosaties op rys met die marinadesous bo-oor geskep. 5. Annette Human. Hier praat ons van snelvuur grofgeskut. Hier praat ons van een van die heel grootste invloede van wat op tafels reg oor die land verskyn het. Sonder Annette Human het ons almal nog elke aand rys, vleis en aartappels met two veg geëet. Annette het voormalige kontinuïteitsaanbieder en TV persoonlikheid Rita van den Heever se sosatieresep met ons gedeel. Intussen het Carmen Niehaus Wenresepte bewonderingswaardig opgedateer vir die Nuwe Millennium. 6. Shirley Guy & Marty Klinzman – Die Suid-Afrikaanse Braaiketel-Kookboek. Ons Afrikaanse mans is koning agter die rooster, maar hier is twee Engelse Anties wat ook kán braai! Hulle maak hulle sosaties eers op die indirekte metode in ‘n braaiketel gaar, waarna hulle dit vinnig direk op die kole sit vir die “tradisionele swart puntjies”. 7. My Tannie Julie. Hare is die familieresep. Volgens Tannie Julie is die geheim dat die uie goed moet braai. Tannie Julie gebruik ook blatjang in haar resep. 8. Skoonma Toekie. Nie haar sosatieresep nie, maar die sous vir haar kerrievis. Ma Toeke se kerrievis is selfs lekkerder as wat my Ouma Rosie s’n was! Nou moet julle weet! 9. Cook Sister. Jeanne Horak-Druif is ‘n Suid-Afrikaner wat in London woon en haar internet blog genaamd ‘Cook Sister’ is ongelooflik suksesvol. Sy neem ook watertand fotos van haar disse en ek-wens-ek-was-daar fotos van die plekke wat sy besoek. Cook Sister is al verskeie kere bekroon by die jaarlikse South African Blog Awards. In 2009 het sy weer met die prys vir die beste kos-blog weggeloop. In Cook Sister se fassinerende blog inskrywing van 15 September 2006 deel sy ‘n ene Cecil se sosatieresep met haar lesers en skryf sy oor die etimologie van die woord ‘sosatie’ asook oor die oorsprong van die sosatie self. Boerekos met ‘n naam wat Indonesies klink en wat Midde-Oosters proe? Cook Sister het ook háár ghoeroe geraadpleeg en hulle bespiegel... Gaan lees gerus. http://cooksister.typepad.com/cook_sister/2006/09/scenes_from_a_b_1.html Van die wat ek hier genoem het leef nog, ander is al dood. Van hulle is trendsetters gewees en ander die trendsetters van môre. Van hulle lewe voort in vergeelde bladsye en ander sweef in cyberspace. Van hulle is bekend en ander nie, maar dis by hulle almal wat ek inspirasie vir my resep gekry het. Daar is nog baie ander groot kos gewere in Suid-Afrika... Nettie Pikeur, Peter Veldsman, Pieter Pieterse, C. Louis Leipoldt, Lannice Snyman, Braam Kruger, Nataniël, Topsy Venter, Reuben Riffel, Prue Leith, Leatitia Prinsloo, my Ma By en nog te veel om op te noem. ‘n Ander dag vir bobotie of koeksusters of ‘n ietsie anders hoor ek weer by hulle. Mens moet jou bronne op die internet ook mooi kies. Wikipedia reken dat daar tamarinde pasta by die sosatiemarinade kom. Nee wat, sê ek, hou die tamarinde pasta vir Denningvleis. Selfs die Larousse Gastronomique maak melding van sosaties in die inskrywing oor Afrique du Sud. So na al die verstommende inspirasie wat ek by die Groot Gewere opgedoen het, het ek my hart gevolg met die resep en gehoop ek verstaan vir Sarie reg – ons soek iets wat duidelik herkenbaar is as ‘n sosatie en nie ‘n ander gerygde ding soos ‘n kebab of espatada nie, ons soek ietsie uniek en ons soek daardie persoonlike stempel. So gaan kuier vroulief, Lam en my rooikop baba by Ouma Ooi in Klerksdorp. Ek sit met my Tupper Marinade bak vol sosaties alleen by die huis. Kennelik is my homeboy Oorwinnaar, mos die beter braaier en kort voor lank staan ons voor sy braai en die wonderlikste sosatie rook vul Vereeniging se winterkoue aandlug. (Gits, nou klink ek soos Riaan Cruywagen in die Bronx!) Die glas Laborie Shiraz in my hand is voorbarig diep en spesery en laat hom nie deur ‘n sosatie intimideer nie – die perfekte drink en eet kombinasie! En die sosatie? Hy proe soos sosatie met nog iets mistiek en subtiel en absoluut murgsag! Die ‘dubbel gemarineerd’ te danke ja! Ek is tevrede en ek en Nico sit tot laatnag en vertel Langenhoven stories en wens ons het ‘n Mercedes Gull-wing of ‘n lekker muscle car Chev of Ford gehad wat hard brul. Ons bly nie verniet in V-Town nie. Vriend Oorwinnaar se vrou Rowwe Eiland het vergeet om vir Belinha te laat weet ons eet sosaties vanaand en sy moenie kook nie, so vir bykos het ons gestoofde skaapnek, patats, wortels en aartappels gehad en tuisnywerheid melktert vir nagereg. Hoekom nie? So, na ek hom nou ook geproe het, uiteindelik my resep: Wenke: · Moenie die blokkies vleis te klein sny nie. (Maar nou ook nie hompe nie) · Gebruik eerder hout of bamboes stokkies (skewers) as metal (die vleis gly rond op metaalpenne en draai dan moeilik om). · Onthou om ook die stokkies oornag in water te week – dan brand hulle nie maklik nie. · Moenie die blokkies vleis te styf op die stokkies ryg nie. · Braai op ‘n rooster oor ‘n vuur. Jy gaan nie naby dieselfde resultate in ‘n pan, in die oond of op ‘n braaiplaat kry nie. Resep – Vleis (gebruik goeie gehalte vleis, daar is niks so teleurstellend soos taai seningrige sosaties nie) 1 kg lamsboud ontbeen en in blokkies gesny 1 kg bees kruisskyf in blokkies gesny (ons rek hom – ontbeende lamsboud is baie duur) 200 g varkspek in dun skyfies gesny Marinade 1 (hiermee doen ons ‘n bietjie opdatering met ‘n effense Indiese inslag) 500 ml natuurlike ongegeurde joghurt 2 huisies knoffel fyngedruk 10 ml garam masala sap en gerasperde skil van ‘n halwe suurlemoen (my stempel – ek is gek na suurlemoene en gebruik dit graag in kos) Marinade 2 (vir daai lekker outydse sosatie smaak) 3 groot uie in ringe gesny 125 ml fyn appelkooskonfyt 250 ml perske- of vrugteblatjang 500 ml bruin asyn 250 ml rooibostee (vir ‘n bietjie balans, die marinade is baie skerp) 45 ml matige kerriepoeier 20 ml borrie 10 ml fyn gemmer 20 ml koljandersade fyngestamp 5 heel naeltjies 3 lourierblare gebreek sap en gerasperde skil van ‘n halwe suurlemoen (ons stempel hom sommer weer) 10 ml sout 75 ml kookolie Gedroogde appelkose vir tussenin (opsioneel – party hou daarvan ander nie) Metode Meng al die bestandele vir die eerste marinade. Gooi die vleis by en maak seker dat die marinade al die blokkies vleis goed bedek. Marineer oornag in die yskas. Maak solank die tweede marinade en hou in ‘n lugdigte houer in die yskas tot die volgende dag benodig. Braai die uie in die olie stadig oor lae hitte tot deurskynend, maar nie bruin. Voeg kerrie, borrie, gemmer, koljander, naeltjies, sout en lourierblare by. Volg dan met suurlemoen sap en skil, appelkooskonfyt, blatjang, asyn en rooibostee. Prut stadig vir so 15 minute en laat goed afkoel. Sodra die vleis oornag in die eerste marinade gelê het, meng tweede marinade by en marineer weereens oornag. Ryg die blokkies vleis op sosatiestokkies en probeer om die bief en lam blokkies af te wissel en ‘n skyfie varkspek so tussen elke tweede, derde blokkie. Weereens, dis sosaties die, nie kebabs nie, so persoonlik sal ek nie nog pynappel, uie, groen- of rooipeper stukke tussenin sit nie. Dalk nog gedroogde appelkose, maar onthou om dit ook in rooibostee te week as dit nie van die sagte Turkse soort is nie. Ek het lang stokkies gebruik en so ‘n dosyn lekker groot sosaties uitgekry. Braai die sosaties stadig oor matige kole tot deurgaar maar nog sappig binne en mooi bruin buite. Onthou die baie suiker van die appelkooskonfyt en blatjang in die marinade brand maklik aan. Nog bietjie sout kan oorgestrooi word terwyl die sosaties braai. Bedruip ook met nog ‘n bietjie van die marinadesous terwyl dit braai. Dien op met jou gunsteling braai bykos.

Penile Plethysmograph, the Penis Polygraph or Dick Lie Detector

2010-09-17T18:13:00.004+02:00

Oh, I do not know whether it is a good thing or not that you cannot pick up one of these from Dischem or not. A Penile Plethysmograph is a device which measures changes in blood flow in the penis. There are two types. One is like a blood pressure monitor which involves an inflatable cuff and mercury and the other an airtight tube which is inserted over the penis and measures the displacement of air. Basically it boils down to being a hard-on detector. Why on earth would you want that? Well it is for one used to detect sexual arousal at the presentation of certain stimuli. It was developed in the 50’s in the former Czechoslovakia when they threw you in prison if you were gay. So if any doubt existed, they connected the guy in question’s member to this contraption, showed him homosexual pornography and if he dared to wood, he got thrown into jail. Today it is still used in many countries with paedophiles, though there is a lot of controversy over the validity of the test results, and is often not regarded as admissible evidence in court. It is also used to measure progress after certain types of surgery to correct erectile dysfunction. I knew a couple once, the girl was a bit of a control freak. When they used to watch movies (Mainstream NOT porn) and if there happened to be a love scene in the movie, the girl would feel between the guy’s legs, and woe betide him should there even be the slightest stirring. I think she would have loved to have a penile plethysmograph. When I stumbled upon this on the Net, I had such a good laugh. It is one of those topics which can make your imagination run wild...

ADD & irritation

2010-09-14T07:10:00.003+02:00

Yesterday I was stuck in traffic for 3 hours on my to work. My levels of frustration hit maximum, and I was NEVER able to calm down again for the rest of the day. I left very early this morning, but I have still not recovered completely. It feels as if all my synapses are going bzzt bzzt bzzt bzzzzzzzz zt zt zt bzzzz. On days like yesterday not even Ritalin helps.

Hardspear now on twitter

2010-09-08T16:13:00.001+02:00

I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea finally started twittering. I have had an account for ages, never used it though.

There are no Trekkies in Joburg...

2010-09-02T12:10:00.003+02:00

Everytime someone gives me a gap in traffic, I boldly salute them with the Mr. Spock live-long-and-prosper Vulcan salute. This salute has been adopted by Trekkies (StarTrek freakazoid super fan nerds) all over the world. I also give the salute when I give someone else a gap by acknowledging their wave/flicker of thanks.

No one ever gave me the salute back yet. Once a guy smiled wryly. Come on Jozi – as you travel at WARP speed 0,000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001, cursing SANRAL and the nerd with the thick black framed glasses needs a gap, give way, return his salute, have a chuckle for even serious, calculating super-rational Vulcans from space are supporting Lead SA.

Cell C & Trevor Noah a month down the line!

2010-09-01T12:47:00.003+02:00

Cell C & Trevor Noah received a lot of bad publicity because of their recent ad-campaign. I know I am a month late with my 2cents worth, but I have been wanting to do a post about this, but I just did not get round to it. Also, I think it is a good time to reflect now. The ad campaign started with an anonymous user posting a clip of Trevor Noah on YouTube ranting about cellular service in South Africa. People started watching... Cell C then ‘discovered’ the clip and publicly responded to it. Soon after the ‘real’ ad-campaign begin. By this time everyone was listening. Now, many of the people who complained are extolled as being ‘Marketing Guru’s’. Quite a number of bloggers slammed the ad campaign as well. Some of the comments were that Cell C has damaged their own reputation with this. What I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea want to know, a month down the line after the initial hue and cry... Are those who initially condemned the manner in which Cell C & Trevor Noah used their respective positions to create a bogus situation, still of opinion that it was bad scheming? Can this stroke even be seen as unscrupulous? I think not. I think it was just the right mix of Viral Marketing combined with Astroturfing as well as focussed television, radio & print advertising. I think it is exceptional. The way in which social networking has redefined the way in which we communicate calls for new ways of marketing. It also lends itself wholly to methods such as Viral Marketing. Viral Marketing through social networks is just so much more effective than physical word-to-mouth. Everybody is doing it. Ola just did it with their new Magnum ad campaign. The advertisements are still to be launched, but they started the campaign with a video on YouTube, called Truck Jacking in Jozi. They only recently claimed responsibility for the video. Astroturfing is an entirely different matter altogether. AstroTurf is a brand of artificial lawn, the brand name widely applied to all different brands of fake grass. (After this winter I think I should replace my lawn with AstroTurf. I always have images of lurid green grass mats surrounding an open grave & grieving people in a dusty, dull brown cemetery). Sorry... I am digressing. In order to do the ‘we-are-addressing-the-concerns-of-the-people-at-grass-root-level’ routine politicians and their spin doctors develop ploys to make it look as if their agendas actually spring forth from the needs & wants of the constituents. This nifty trick has been adopted by marketing- and advertising agencies in order to lend authenticity to what they peddle. In the English speaking countries of the world we are all tend to admire the way upper-class Brits verbalize and articulate themselves. Not to talk about the accent. It is awe-inspiring & intimidating at the same time. Yet...you gotta appreciate the easy way in which the Americans go about with the English Language. Prime example above... calling the artificial engineering of messages into looking as if coming from grass-root level – Astroturfing! So after all the sneaky viral marketing with the Trevor Noah clip on YouTube and astroturfing of ‘responding’ to Trevor Noah in the media, Cell C finally launched stage 3 – a very visible media advertising campaign. Beautifully designed billboard posters, funny radio ads and sleek tv commercials. Just appreciate the colour scheme. Who would have thought shades of brown can look crisp, clear, corporate and yet friendly? I am sure that I fall in a number of the cellular networks in SA’s product markets. I have a cellphone device, which I get with my voice contract. Then the voice contract itself. Furthermore the wireless 3G data device and the data contract. I use all of these products for both business & private needs. Heaven knows what LSM they would put me in. From my perspective though, the current Cell C media adverts appeal to me as user of all of the above products. I am with Vodacom and like most cellular users in SA I am: · Fed up with the high cellphone bills. (I really try to watch my usage) · Fed up with the high internet connectivity cost. (As consultant I move around too much to use fixed line internet) · Fed up with poor reception, dropped calls etc. · Fed up with poor & slow internet connectivity. (oh, by the way, what happened to the bigg-ass high speed under-the-sea cable which would have dragged Africa into a (cheaper) internet age?) I have not yet moved to another cellular service provider because I am not convinced that MTN or Cell C can provide me with any better service than Vodacom does. Everyone I know have the same complaints, irrespective of their provider. Sooooo.... Inspired by the ad campaign, I decided to take up Trevor Noah and drop him a message. As I was typing the message on the Cell C site, telling him that if he can address my issues, I will move to Cell C, I lost internet connection. I did not bother to go back. Easily influenced as I am, I heard Vodacom’s ad on the radio, offering 1GIG Data for R289 per month, including a new Broadband modem. I went and got mine straight away, forgetting all about Cell C, till the next time Trevor Noah glowered at me from a billboard next to the highway. I even got a GIG data free (between 12:00am and 05:00am). Yay! Like I am going to use it. Nobody even watches PORN at that time of night! And what time I had to get the new modem working!! In the end I had to take it in to a Vodacom Customer Care Walk in Centre. Please remember the poken competition – see post below. Closing Date is the 30th of September 2010. You need to be situated in SA to apply.

Poken - electronic mini cyber sex to replace business cards

2010-08-30T16:39:00.005+02:00

I attended the MARKEX trade show at Sandton Convention Centre last week. I was already overly stimulated and oozing electronic gadgetry lust from everything on display, as well as heady from the effects of the oxygen bar where I just OD’d on lime scented O2, when I stumbled upon something which nearly made me jizz in my pants. A number of people were gathered around an interesting looking stall...

A lady attendant seemed to be free and I her asked what they had to offer. She then produced a little plastic figurine-like thingy with a strong Japanese Pop-Art feel to it. She called it a POKEN and started to tell me all about it:

A poken is a little key-chain gadget which at its most basic is an electronic business card exchange device. It utilizes a proprietary Near Field Communication (NFC) technology to allow the exchange of information one would usually put on a printed business card. All you need to is to hold your poken next to someone else’s and press a button and voila – your poken has electronic sex in cyberspace with the other person’s poken and your details have been exchanged. Once you plug in your poken in a USB slot of your computer, it links you with your personal profile on the poken website and all the people you have pokened are now linked to your profile.

Yet, the poken is more of a social business card than what the traditional type is. One can link all your social network information to your poken profile, which is exchanged together with your other info when you poken somebody. The same rules of inviting and accepting still apply, but it saves you having to sift through 1 000’s of John Smiths’ LinkedIn, Skype or Facebook profiles till you find the right one.

I had to have one and purchased one on the spot. I googled poken and found that other bloggers I know (such as sheebee whom I have met in real life as well) already know about pokens and have blogged about it. I love this thingy so much and would love to promote it. So, for the first time I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea, will be having a competition on my blog. 5 readers can win a poken each. To enter, please mention this post on your blog, with a link-back to this post. Also send me a mail to hardspear@hotmail.com with a link to your post and a one-liner as to why you should win a poken.

Mac & Cheese for many on a Crazy Sunday Evening

2010-08-23T16:20:00.001+02:00

Our weekend started...erm... not good. I got up in the worst of moods on Saturday morning, which made it not a good idea to go to the shops. In Pick ‘n Pay Lamb loaded Image (1year & 9months old) into one of those small basket trolleys. I thought that this is not a good idea, but moodily said nothing. Going out of P’n P (They are busy with construction) the top-heavy trolley’s front wheels caught and toppled right over. Lamb was pushing and despite her attempt to keep the trolley upright, it toppled forward. Image fell out of the trolley and Lamb also fell face down. No one got hurt, but all of us got a big fright. Image only grazed her face, which resulted in two ugly scabs – one above her brow and one on her cheek. In America I could have sued the store, despite our stupidity of putting the child in a basket trolley. For the rest of the day, Lamb and I were a bit irritated with each other. On the spur of the moment she decided to invite people for coffee on Sunday afternoon. She requested that I bake a chocolate cake, but instructed that it mustn’t be one of my fancy smancy laced with brandy and smothered with ganache gateaux cakes. She wants a ordinary (moist) chocolate cake with caramel condensed milk instead of icing. I then realised that I have never made an ordinary chocolate cake. I went through my books and got a good looking one from Heilie Piennaar’s ‘Too Fresh Too Flop’ baking book. I then decided, whilst we are going through all the trouble, I’ll make something for a light early evening supper. In the meanwhile we learned that friends of ours 1 year & 9 month old boy, Archangel Number One is in hospital. Lamb phoned and told them that they must come and drop 4 month old Archangel Number Two for the night. By the time the guests arrived, I have finished the cake, but not supper. I served very strong Turkish coffee infused with cardamom with the cake. Not everybody had the Turkish coffee though. I made it a bit strong, so I couldn’t really taste the cake, but Lamb assured me that it was nice. I then proceded made the following very delicious very cheesy Macaroni & Cheese for many. (with – many people milling about and many children running & screaming all over the place) Cook 2x 500g packets Macaroni as per instruction in a LARGE pot. Heat 1l full cream milk & 250 ml fresh cream to very warm but not boiling (one of the few instances where the microwave will do). Melt 150g butter in a medium sized pot (not marge), add 1tsp salt and 1tsp dry mustard powder and half a cup of flour. Mix well. Turn up heat add milk & cream and whisk well. Turn heat down. Add 200g grated mozzarella & 300g grated cheddar. Also add 1 grated onion and 6 extra large eggs beaten. Mix well. Cut 250g bacon in strips and sauté lightly. Combine drained macaroni, bacon & cheese sauce and put in a VERY large oven dish such as a roaster. Grate 150g extra mature cheddar cheese and 150g parmesan cheese. Mix with 150 g dry breadcrumbs and sprinkle over macaroni. Bake at 180˚C for 35-40 mins. Serve with a fresh garden salad and a strong vinaigrette to counter the richness of the mac & cheese. Nobody else wanted any alcohol, but I felt a bit freaked with all the caffeine in by body, the children running riot, Lamb and I being irritated, my new broadband 3G not working, so I polished a bottle of crisp Riesling by myself. By the time everyone left, my crocks stuck to the messy kitchen floor and I nearly slipped on a hill of salt which Image created in the passage. Then........ Lamb informed me, she cannot sleep next to a small baby, for she lies awake worrying if everything is OK. She’ll sleep in the spare room, and I have to share with little Archangel Number Two! I think I need another weekend!

Hardspear back at the gym and sick of EMINEM

2010-08-20T09:27:00.000+02:00

I started gym again this week. This morning I attended an ‘express abs’ class. The instructor was this pretty little thing and I thought that she was really cute. By the end of the session I was of the opinion that she is actually the Witch of Endor in disguise. My abdominal muscles have become totally unresponsive since an hour after the class. What bothers me, is the fact that the same fat old Ooms who attended the gym when I left 2 years ago, are still there and they are still fat. What baffles me, is that they can outlast and outcycle all the young people in the spinning class, but they have not slimmed down at all in two years! Am I going to waste my time at the gym? I am sooo sick of EMINEM. I used to like his music, but he got so stuck on his horrible mom, dickhead (missing) dad, fucking Kim and poor, poor Haley. It is all he seems to sing about. Dude, you have the worst anger issues. Dude...Let it go... Please...

Fiona Coyne, I’ll always cherish having been insulted by you

2010-08-19T08:23:00.002+02:00

Fiona Coyne. Mordant wit was the knife with which you have pierced my heart, biting sarcasm the hammer with which you have cracked my skull and inventive insult the fist which felled me down. Fiona Coyne. I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea, as contestant and winner of a Weakest Link programme, consider myself privileged to have been insulted by you with the whole of South Africa as witness. Fiona Coyne. Go and play Weakest Link with the Angels...

Ascribe Mental Disability to ADD, Make it Official, Bawl Your Eyes Out and Pick Yourself Up Again

2010-08-12T08:14:00.001+02:00

This is a blog about ADD, so hey, let me do a post about ADD for a change. I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea should be studying, but hey, here I am Blogging. Hope it helps for Friday’s exam... I am busy with my 5th career change. NOT JOB CHANGE – CAREER CHANGE. As I’ve said before, I am learning a new ERP programme. Now... my best friend and boss, Army Man and I both suffer from ADD (or is it endure having? bear having? excel at having? despair at having? shine at having? surpass because of having ADD?). Recently we started toying with the idea of making the fact that we have ADD official in order to score a better rating on our company’s BEE status – on account of disability, that is. We approached our Auditor, The King of Bethlehem. The King of Bethlehem’s feedback on that was inconclusive, but he found that there are a lot of tax benefits for people with disabilities. He obtained the SARS criteria for being classed as mentally disabled for us, and off we went to see a psychologist. The psychologist told us in no uncertain terms that he is NOT going to fudge his findings just so that we can get tax benefit. His findings will be his findings and should it be above the SARS criteria, that is that then. He performed a standard internationally recognized test for ADD as well as another test which tests general mental functioning. The ADD test unequivocally supported an ADD diagnosis. The report on the other test on mental functioning rocked me a bit. It highlighted amongst others the following characteristics of mine: - Self Defeating Behaviour - Self Limiting Behaviour - Poor handling of success. (so even if I achieve i am unable to deal with it like a normal person) - Social ineptness (I am not so sure I agree) - Depression & Anxiety - Poor self image - Blah, fucking blah blah. Unfortunately, apart from the social ineptness, I have to agree with most... In any case, we DID meet the SARS criteria and are now classed with having a mental disability on our return forms. I realised again that I have overcome so much, but there are limits to what I can do and achieve and maintain. I grasped again that my efforts in important relationships are diminished by factors not always in my control. But HELL I TRY. I TRY! I got this feedback last Friday and by Saturday afternoon, I was in a right state. We took Image for a stroll in the neighbourhood and at some point in the middle of the road, I burst out in tears. This upset Lamb big time. She realised it was about the feedback, but I refused to talk about it. I told her that it is something I will have to deal with, and I will be over it again by the following day. True as nuts. Sunday I woke up mentally energised and happy. Fuck. I have ADD. I have had to deal with it up to now. Comparing to many other people with ADD, I am actually High Functioning. So, henceforth I will have to deal with it again. BASTA! I co-instigated this whole process with SARS, I got a result, and Boo-Hoo, I have a mental disability. Guess what, It could have been worse. I could have been short or have ugly feet or something. I am tall and I have beautifully high-arched narrow feet. In the meanwhile, I thought I had a heart cramp. I had it checked out by a cardiologist, who had me running attached to wires and a computer on a treadmill. He kept on increasing the incline and speed, until it felt as if I am sprinting up Mount Aux Sources. I thought that this Doctor had better do something about his BO, but realised after a while that I am smelling my profusely sweating self. He did a sonar as well after which he declared my heart perfectly fit and healthy. He cautioned about stress and told me to exercise. I am now yet again a member of Virgin Active. I’ll start next week. Get this exam past me again first. Work is so hectic. I am involved in 3 major projects simultaneously.

Instant Happiness – Keeping the Winter Blues Away

2010-08-06T09:35:00.000+02:00

This has been a particularly cold winter in Sunny SA. I tend to get the winter blues really bad, but here is a list of things which provides me, J. Hardspear de la Azotea with instant happiness: 1. 1 drop Patchouli- and 3 drops Geranium essential oils in a hot steaming bath. Smells a bit girly, but believe me – it picks you up instantly; 2. A roaring fireplace; 3. Being invited for Sunday Lunch (Especially if it is for a good stew/potjie or Traditional Sunday Roast); 4. A one hit wonder song you haven’t heard in ages, playing on the radio when you are stuck in traffic. (eg. In the Shadows by the Rassmus or All the things she said by t.A.T.u.); 5. A MacDonalds Breakfast Mega McMuffin Meal (No Egg) with xtra hashbrown OJ AND COFFEE on your way to work; 6. Everytime little Image says “Pappa”; 7. Blogging; 8. On the exception that someone sends you e-mail or sms jokes that are actually REALLY funny; 9. Being lucky enough to spend a few days on the Natal Coast, the Lowvelt, Limpopo Province or anywhere warmer and less polluted than Gauteng; 10. The first green leaves and blossoms of spring. Go on! Invite someone you haven’t seen in a long while for a good hearty Sunday Lunch, build a big fire and get yourself some MacD’s on your way to work!

Paula Deen + Ina Paarman + Hardspear's Kitchen = Chocolate Gooey Butter Cookies

2010-07-28T07:57:00.006+02:00

Paula Deen is big in the USA and especially known for her hearty comforting Southern Cooking. Ina Paarman is the Queen, Diva and Doyenne of South African Cooking. Both these Ladies are Serious Business Women as well and have created veritable food empires in their respective countries.

Throw Oprah Winfrey and J. Hardspear de la Azotea in the mix and you have a winning recipe. I was watching an Oprah show on how a boy overcame the sorrow of his twin brother dying of cancer by starting a home business baking cookies and the story really touched me. Oprah asked the boy what his favourite cookies is and he replied without hesitation - Paula Deen's Gooey Chocolate Butter Cookies. In true Oprah style, she then produced Paula Deen with a flourish. The look of surprise, adoration, excitement and emotion on the boy's face caused me to choke and tear up.

The very next day I went on Paula Deen's website and obtained the recipe for the cookies. People who read my blog will know that I am a proponent of the slow food movement and making things from scratch with fresh ingredients. Now... it is impossible not to be seduced sometimes by the Americans and their easy and effortless way of doing things. Paula Deen's recipe is a stellar example of this. I had to adjust the measurements to suit the products available in SA though, and because Mrs. Paarman is known for the quality of her products, she was the natural choice. So here then the best chocolate cookies I have ever had.

Chocolate Gooey Butter Cookies

Makes two dozen.

Ingredients:

1x teaspoon vanilla extract or essence

Icing sugar, for dusting

1x 600 g box Ina Paarman chocolate cake mix

1x 250 g block (NOT TUB) Philadelphia cream cheese, room temperature

2x eggs

125 g butter, room temperature

Directions:

Preheat oven to 180˚C. In a large bowl with an electric mixer, cream the cream cheese and butter until smooth. Beat in the eggs. Then beat in the vanilla extract. Mix in the cake mix with a wooden spoon. This takes some elbow grease. At first the mixture will look crumbly, but keep on mixing till it combines nicely into a ball. Cover and refrigerate for 2 hours to firm up so that you can roll the cookie dough into 2 long sausages. Slice each sausage into 12 equal sized medallions. Form into balls and then roll them in icing sugar. Use 2 ungreased baking sheets and arrange 12 cookies on each, taking care to leave spaces between the cookies. Bake 11 minutes. The cookies will remain soft and gooey. Cool completely and sprinkle with more confectioners’ sugar, if desired. Do not be tempted to eat straight from the oven – they are really much better cooled down. I’ve found they are best if kept in an airtight container in the fridge. Don’t over bake. These are not biscuits as we South Africans are used to – It is an American Style Cookie.

(photo from Paula Deen's website)

Angel and Glugster – Blogger Wedding of the Century!

2010-07-27T08:39:00.004+02:00

I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea WAS THERE! My wife Lamb was ill and couldn’t attend with me, which placed a little damper on my spirits. When you are married for 12 years you definitely miss your partner when you go to a wedding alone. Nevertheless... Angel and Glugster’s wedding was sooooo special. It was one of the most beautiful and special weddings I have been to. (Not to mention a little weird with a large portion of the guests representing the SA Blogoshpere and Twitterverse.) Angel looked breathtakingly beautiful. She has extraordinary facial features and her striking personality shines as bright as the brightest stars through her eyes. Glugster, that handsome big chunk of a hunk beamed at her side all the way. The ceremony was singular and unique. The Priest addressed Glugster in Afrikaans and Angel in English. His message was heartfelt, sincere, humorous and very practical. His message was directed primarily at the couple, but certainly at the guests as well. After the ceremony, we had cocktails and – of course – the most delectable cupcakes. I met so many other bloggers for the first time in person. People I know in cyberspace. Particularly special was Sweets (Sweetass RSA), one of my first online friends and Tamara (Doodles of a Journo). Sweets and I connected immediately and Tamara and her husband TSC must be some of the nicest, sincere, interesting and beautiful people I have ever met. I also connected really well with SleepyJane and her (husband? boyfriend?), and I was really pleased to meet EXMI, another blogger I like to read. Yes! Even Sheena (If these walls could talk) was there. Her blog counts amongst the funniest I know of. There were so many more, I wish I could remember everyone! To top it all, the venue was beautiful and the food great. It was a privilege to be a part!

Boeuf Bourguignonne a la Julia Child for 25 hungry people

2010-06-21T12:03:00.005+02:00

Wednesday 16 June 2010 was Youth Day and we had an invite to go away for a few days with friends to the Underberg. They have a small piece of land with an old farm house somewhere between Nottingham Road and the town of Underberg in the Southern Drakensberg, near the Lotheni Reserve. Image stayed at Lamb’s oldest sister, Star and her family. Wednesday early we set out.

Beforehand I learned that we would be about 25 people going of which half would be students. We were also divided into groups responsible for feeding everybody. Lamb, myself and another couple (Cara Noir & Little King)got Thursday to take care of. I appointed myself as coordinator and decided that because of the cold expected in the Southern Drakensberg, we would need something warm and nutritious. I chose Huevos Rancheros (Mexican farm style eggs) for brunch and Boeuf Bourguignonne for dinner. Like so many others, I am inspired by the movie Julie & Julia. Julia Child + Julie Powel = Julie & Julia = inspiration. Breakfast was easy: 4 chouriço sausages chopped and sautéed in a large cast iron pot to which I added 10 cans of Mexican style tomatoes. As soon as the tomato & sausages started to simmer on the stove, I broke 25 eggs into the pot. I then put everything into a hot oven. Once the whites set, but yolks were still runny, I put grated cheese and nachos over. Maybe not authentic Huevos Rancheros, but still really very good, and easy if you have to feed many. It went down very well anyway.

Main attraction though, was dinner. I have never attempted Boeuf Bourguignonne, but I knew Julia Child would not disappoint. My only two worries were to achieve success having to increase the recipe 4 times as well as doing so in the slightly primitive kitchen (small Univa gas stove). So after spending a leisurely day trying my hand at fly-fishing and lounging around with Lamb like dassies on the rocks seeking out the sun, I was ready to impress.

Starting off with the preparation, I decided that the students also must earn their keep and asked them to peel and chop 5 large onions for me and also peel the 60 odd small pickle-sized onions which I would require. The girls set off with gusto, till their eyes started tearing up. Very ingeniously, they got the male students to part with their quad-bike goggles, which solved the crying problem. Following then the ingredients and my adapted method for Boeuf Bourguignonne for 25 hungry people: 600 g pancetta (ordinary bacon gives too much of a smoky taste. Nice in other dishes, but not this one) olive oil – lots butter – lots 5 large onions 60 small pickle sized onions 2 kg button mushrooms vegetable sprinkle (because I forgot to pack the carrot) 4 tsp salt 2 tsp freshly ground black pepper no flour – because I forgot to pack it. 7 kg mature rump cut in 4x2 cm cubes 3 bottles red wine 250 ml strong beef stock x 2 (for preparing meat & onions respectively) 4 table spoons tomato paste 8 cloves of garlic mashed 2 tsp thyme 2 tsp tarragon (not in original recipe) 5 crumbled bay leaves Sauté pancetta in a little olive oil till done. (I used a very large cast iron pot). Keep pancetta aside. Then start browning the cubes of rump steak in batches. This takes forever. Cara Noir is also a very good cook and she assisted with the browning of the meat. Add more oil after each 3-4 batches. One of Julia Child’s best tips however is to dry the meat with kitchen paper – it browns much easier and quicker. I transferred the browned meat and pancetta to a very large stainless steel oven roaster – biggest vessel I could lay my hands on.

Once all the meat is browned, sauté the 5 large chopped onions in the same whatever pot, saucepan etc. you’ve browned the meat in. Add the wine, seasoning, herbs, tomato paste, garlic & stock to the onions to deglaze the pan. Pour over the meat. Since the roaster wouldn’t fit into the small little gas oven, I put it over two of the burners on the stovetop. The stove was a bit dodgy with (it seemed to me) only two settings – hellfire and slow-cooker, but I managed to keep the dish at a simmer and the meat was perfectly tender after 3 hours. In the meanwhile I brown braised the small onions in stock in the oven and sautéed the mushrooms in butter as per Mrs. Child’s instructions. This involves sautéing the whole onions in butter. Add a bay leaf and thyme and beef stock. Braise the onions till brown and most of the liquid evaporated. Sauté the mushrooms in butter as well and season. By that time, the aromas from the kitchen was driving everyone mad and the people were literally drooling. The older people were sitting around the fireplace in the lounge and the students had a big bonfire going outside. I was drunk on red wine, coffee flavoured tequila, stroh rum, gluhwein and whatever else the people brought into the kitchen to appease the cook. With all the appeasing, I floated on a cloud of bonhomie. During the last half hour I was badgered constantly...when are we eating, when are we eating, but the 25 large potatoes took forever to cook. All that remained to do was add the mushrooms & onions to the meat and... voila! I served the Boeuf Bourguignonne with boiled buttered & parsley potatoes and peas. The whole meal came out fantastically good. To quote Julia Child: “Carefully done and perfectly flavoured, [Boeuf Bourguignonne] is certainly one of the most delicious beef dishes concocted by man,...” I received so many compliments that I started blushing, or was that drinking sherry and sitting too close to the fireplace? Cara Noir took care of dessert. She stewed home-bottled peaches in Cointreau and served that with mascarpone cheese and toasted almonds. Bon appétit!

Sausages braised in cider with super-comfort mash

2010-06-03T09:52:00.004+02:00

I, J Hardspear de la Azotea have tried in vain to stick to a diet. (Neither can my wife Lamb). Recently when I took our little Image for her 18 months shots, the clinic sister weighed her as usual. Now the growth chart the sister keeps is printed on graph paper and contains 3 curved lines – a bottom, middle & top curve. Its meaning is obvious. Since Image’s birth she followed the middle curve. At 1 year Image’s line moved to the top curve. Now at 18 months it shot up to some distance above the top curve. Lamb and I are very good at rationalising. So we told ourselves that Image has De la Azotea genes, as well those of as our forefathers (and foremothers) who was Swarts, Van Aswegens, Le Roux’s etc. All being big boned Boere-people. Ja, little Image is tall for her age and sturdy. Rather sturdy than a frail sickly little thing, so we say. Yet at the back of my mind, I am resolved not to raise a fat child. So...what shall we do? Lamb and I have started to become uncomfortable with the size of our respective tummies and our child over-achieves on her growth chart...

A while back my friend Army Man gave me a book by Jessica Seinfeld (Jerry’s wife) called Deceptively Delicious. In this book Mrs. Seinfeld describes her worry over her children (and husband) not eating their veggies – so she started pureeing veggies and putting it into everything – from Mac & Cheese to Chocolate Brownies. The book comes with all her recipe’s and her family’s comments on them.

So with this in mind, on Monday night I started cooking up a storm. Lamb and I love our veggies, but still putting certain pureed stuff in dishes apparently lowers the GI etc etc. My reasoning is that if we all have 3 healthy, hearty (but not diety) meals per day, with healthy snacks in between – we should have results. Basically our eating patterns have been unhealthy and we eat too much snacks and sweets and take-outs. I further reason that 3 healthy square meals will reduce our cravings for bad stuff and empty kilojoules. (Have you ever noticed that you can gorge yourself on KFC, but be hungry again within 90 minutes after the overindulgence?). As usual, I start out over-enthusiastic, so Monday night I cooked a curry and a beef stew for Lamb and me. For Image I cooked a Ragout D’Agneau (lamb stew), spring chicken stew and savoury mince. I put tins of mixed beans (red kidney, chickpea, small white etc) in everything. In ours I kept the veggies and beans whole, but in Image’s I pureed it, but kept the meat & chicken in small cubes. All of it turned out delicious. I divided everything in portions and stuck it in the freezer. Image loves all of it and we already had one of the curries. Last night I used this principle again and made this pork sausages braised in cider with super-comfort mash:

(again, I wish I was a better photographer - it looks more attractive in real-life)

I used Basil and Sundried Tomato Pork Sausages from Woolworths 1 bottle cider 1 onion quartered olive oil 1 tsp good quality powered beef stock 1 level tablespoon corn flour 1 cup cold water 2 potatoes 1 sweet potato ½ can mixed beans 1 fresh clove of garlic crushed 1 tablespoon butter. Preheat oven to 180˚C. Use a saucepan or something which can go in the oven. I used a cast iron pot (used to belong to my Mom’s aunt). Brown the sausages and onion in olive oil. Add the cider and bring to a simmer. Put uncovered in oven for 30 mins. In the meanwhile peel and cube potatoes and sweet potato. Boil in salted water for 20 mins or until soft. Take out of pot and keep aside. Puree the beans. Sauté the garlic in the butter in same pot in which you have boiled the potatoes. (do this very briefly – garlic burns easily) Add the potatoes and bean puree back in the pot and mash. By this time the cider would have reduced considerably. Put sausages back on stovetop. Sprinkle beef stock over. Mix the corn flour with cold water and pour over the sausages. Stir carefully and give just enough heat for sauce to thicken. Serve sausages with mash & cider gravy and slices of fresh pineapple. The cider gives the gravy a wonderful hint of sweetness. Try different brands of ciders. This one this one gets a good ranking on my list of winter comfort foods!

Bad Blogger Hardspear

2010-06-02T09:28:00.002+02:00

I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea has been a lazy blogger. So what has happened in nearly 2 months? • I finished a very taxing project at a parastatal. If the way that institution is run is in any way a sample of how other Government institutions in this country are run – I want to emigrate! • Currently I am involved in shorter Change Management projects. • I stressed a bit because of nothing long term being lined up • That changed yesterday • I am busy studying a new computer programme – smoke is turning out my ears • I bought both Julia Child’s volumes of ‘Mastering the art of French Cooking’. I turned out to be some of the best cookery books I have ever seen. I thought I knew how to roast a chicken till I tried Julia Child’s method – wow! • I still get very sad about my Mom, but not depressed any more. • Now my Dad has an aneurism which has to be operated on. Luckily it is in a section of the aorta close to the stomach. Still a big operation, but fortunately not in the brain or heart. • I am SICK TO MY STOMACH about what has been reported in the news relating to children as of late. First the reports of the little girl severely assaulted during a house robbery in Randburg. Then reports that the attack left the girl blind. Then reports of babies dying in childrens’ wards in state hospitals. In one account SIX babies died in one hospital in one day! Then reports of babies being rented out to beggars in order to garner sympathy from motorists in JHB. Reports that these babies get drugged to make them look poorly and accounts of them not getting fed or changed, leaving them listless and dehydrated leaves me angry, frustrated and nauseous. Is this fucking India or what? In the case of the assaulted toddler, the domestic (who knew the attackers and opened the door to them) had the GALL to go to the CCMA after she was fired? Again, I am physically revolted. • I am still in love with my Amazon Kindle. Apart from e-books being cheaper, there are loads of free books to be downloaded as well. • We were not sleeping so well in recent weeks on account of little Image kicking herself open during the night. She then starts crying ‘cause she’s cold. We get up, struggle to get her to go to sleep again and then ourselves struggle to sleep again. Then I found the solution on the net. Moo Moo Kids. They make sleeping bags and babygrows for babies & toddlers up to 5 years old. The sleeping bags have loops which go over the shoulders, so they can’t crawl out of it and they can’t kick the blankies off. I ordered, the package arrived yesterday and Image slept snugly through the night. What a pleasure. I am going to try to find a balance between posing obsessively and not posting at all....

My journey's anthem

2010-04-08T10:03:00.001+02:00

Remember this? It is the anthem for my 'from Ennui to Insouciance' Journey

From Ennui to Insouciance and crappy birthdays

2010-04-06T09:27:00.002+02:00

Today I start a brand new journey, one which I call ‘From Ennui to Insouciance’. I will keep you posted. Today I am not having the best of birthdays. I feel really, well I do not know what I feel. I do not have the right words today. I feel bad that I cannot seem to get over my Mom’s passing away. I tell myself that I am a grown man (37 today) and that I should cope better. I should cherish all the good and wonderful memories, but I am sad beyond words. I now realise the power of a mother’s prayers, since I feel the absence of my Mother’s prayers in my life. I know my Dad prays for us, and I know God listens. It is just that no one worries as much about their children as a mom does. I believe a mom’s prayers for her children are so deep, that her soul talks to God directly. February was a very bad month for me in terms of dealing with my Mom not being here anymore. During March I felt that I am moving on and making progress. I felt that it is a reality that she is gone and I am OK with that. Then came the 1st anniversary of her birthday on 29 March. I have been extremely sad since then. And now, on my birthday today, I am quite a mess. And I cannot afford it. It is a very important day on our project. I have also come to realise that crying exacerbates sinusitis exponentially. To top it all, I had a culinary disaster yesterday. I made my famous individual blueberry cheesecakes. Whilst busying myself with the rest of the birthday lunch I planned to bring to work, I realized that I missed an ingredient for the salmon & tapenade wraps. I quickly popped out to the shop. When I got back, smoke was coming from the oven. My cheesecakes were ruined.

Today's weather only contributes to my dreary feelings. Here is a (bad) photo – I took it with my cell phone.

Slap Chips, The Countess, The Gay Latino and the Crazy Militants

2010-03-30T11:34:00.003+02:00

I always find it interesting what are people searching for on the net and why. Some of the top searches for today is Hutaree LuAnn de Lesseps Ricky Martin Hutaree – because it is a Christian Militia Cult in the USA who has become a tad too threatening to the US government. (Only in America) Countess LuAnn de Lesseps – Because she is an American Celebrity appearing in the series “The real Housewifes of New York” in the US together with other Celebrity wives. LuAnn de Lesseps was married until 2009 to Count Alexandre De Lesseps (a descendant of Ferdinand de Lesseps, famous Architect of the Suez Canal). They divorced after he had an affair with an Ethiopian Princess. (Only in America) Ricky Martin – because he FINALLY came out of the closet and admitted he is gay. (Only like in...erm ...everywhere?) Back to SA. With all the MacDonalds’ popping up everywhere (And other fast food outlets), when last did you have real slap chips from a dirty Portuguese Corner shop. Fat golden brown hand-cut chips, crispy on the outside, deliciously soft on the inside and the taste redolent of potatoes and oil infused with the flavour of years and years of frying russian sausages, newspaper and lots and lots of salt and vinegar. A small cardboard box of dry matchstick fries cannot possibly be as satisfying as R12’s worth of slap chips wrapped in newspaper. Man alive, have made myself so hungry now. But it is like we say in Afrikaans... ‘Hoe vuiler die Portugees se kafee, hoe lekkerder die chips!’. So here is today’s Vital Statistics. (click for larger image) The slap chip equation = The dirtier the Portuguese’s Corner Shop, the tastier the chips

Sticky & Crispy Chinese Chicken

2010-03-29T09:33:00.003+02:00

Sticky and Crispy Chinese Chicken

I have not done proper recipe posts in a very long time, so today I do two. (See post below as well) This is a recipe of my own devising. I do not know how ‘Chinese’ this actually is, but it is really very good.

You will need: 4 Chicken breasts (without bones & skin) cut into long thin strips Chinese 5 spice mix (The Cape Herb & Spice Company does a very good one) 750 ml cooking oil salt ½ cup flour ½ cup cornflour (maizena) 1 cup ice water with extra ice 1 egg 125 ml hoisin sauce 125 ml sweet & sour sauce. stirfry vegegables 2 cups (uncooked) basmati rice Sprinkle a modest sprinkling of Chinese Five Spice Mix and salt over the raw chicken strips. Cook the rice as per instructions. Slice vegetables in very thin strips Heat the oil in a large pot. Make a tempura batter by whisking together the ice water, extra ice, flour, cornflour and egg. (The cornflour makes it extra crispy. Once the oil is very hot, dip small batches of the chicken strips in the batter and quickly fry in the very hot oil. The batter coating must be a very light brown, and the chicken strips must be tender and juicy inside. If you overcook, the chicken becomes dry, tough and stringy. Drain on kitchen towelling paper and stick the finished batches into a warm oven. As you do the last batch, flash-fry the vegetables in a very hot pan with a few drops of oil. At the same time put the hoisin sauce and the sweet and sour sauce in a small saucepan and boil together till it becomes thick & sticky. Put half the chicken strips in the sticky sauce and stir till all the pieces are coated. Mix the rice and vegetables. To dish up – put rice & vegetables in bowls, arrange 1st some of the sticky strips and then some crispy strips on top of the rice. Garnish with spring onion and enjoy! I desperately need to read up on how to take better food photos. Lamb did the table setting for the photo, but it does not come out as nice on the photo as it actually looked.

Pasta Primavera

2010-03-29T09:25:00.002+02:00

Fettuccine Primavera – The Family Recipe (borrowed)

Although my Mom made this a lot, I have to credit my Dad for making this recipe for Pasta Primavera for the first time. Despite having the status as one of the ‘classic’ pasta sauces, Primavera sauce for Pasta is an American Invention. The origins of Pasta Primavera can indeed be traced back to New York in the 1970’s. My Dad got it from a Pasta Cookbook by Giuliano Hazan, and everyone in our family adopted the recipe ever since because it is so incredibly good. I made this on Friday night.

From Wikipedia “Giuliano Hazan (born 1 December 1958 in Manhattan) is a cookbook author and educator who travels throughout the world teaching Italian cooking. The son of Italian cooking doyenne Marcella Hazan, his combination of Italian palate and American organization makes his message of fresh ingredients prepared in a simple manner, clear, timeless and delicious. His cooking school in Italy, Cooking with Giuliano Hazan, has been profiled in many US publications. Hazan is an author, teacher, entrepreneur, and considered by some to be one of the foremost authorities on Italian cooking.” Primavera means ‘spring’ in Italian – therefore the spring vegetables the sauce is based upon. Many a times you would order Primavera in a restaurant and you get served an insipid sauce containing hard strips of vegetables that tastes of nothing. Here is the reason and the SECRET of a good Primavera. (One that does not give vegetarians a bad name)

A common mistake in making this is not sautéing the vegetables enough. Do not be afraid of overcooking them here. Whatever dubious virtue there may be in undercooking vegetables, it certainly does not apply to pasta sauces. By cutting the vegetables in tiny pieces and sautéing them thoroughly, you will concentrate their flavour and infuse the cream with it. Done properly, this is a heavenly dish with the rich, sweet flavours of spring.

Ingredients ½ small yellow onion 1 large carrot 1 medium celery stalk 4 tablespoons butter 250g fresh asparagus (canned will not do in this instance) ¾ red sweet pepper 250g baby marrows 250 ml cream 4-5 sprigs flat-leaf Italian parsley Salt Freshly ground black pepper ½ cup freshly grated Parmigiano-Reggiano fettuccini or any ribbon pasta

Method 1. Peel and finely chop the onion. Peel the carrot and cut into ½-inch dice. Wash the celery, trim the top and bottom, and peel the back to remove the tough strings. Cut it into ¼-inch dice. Put the butter in a large heavy bottomed saucepan and place over medium-low heat. Once the butter begins to melt, add the onion, carrot, and celery and sauté until the vegetables begin turn caramel – be patient. 2. Take the asparagus and bend each one at the bottom end till in snaps. It will snap where the woody bottom part and the tender top shoot meets. Discard the woody bottom bits. Blanch the asparagus in rapidly boiling water (with teaspoon salt) for about two minutes 3. Cook the pasta according to instructions on packaging. 4. Wash the baby marrow, trim the ends, and cut into ½-inch dice. Peel the pepper, core it and remove the seeds. Slice into thin strips. 5. When the onion, carrot, and celery are ready, add the baby marrow and peppers. Season generously with salt and pepper and continue sautéing until the baby marrow and peppers are quite tender and lightly browned, about 15 minutes. 6. While the baby marrow and peppers are cooking, finely chop enough parsley to measure 1½ tablespoons. Cut the cooked asparagus into pieces about 2cm long. When the baby marrow and peppers are ready, add the asparagus and sauté for about another minute. Add the cream and parsley and continue cooking until the cream has thickened and reduced by almost half. 8. When the pasta is done, drain it well, toss with the sauce and the freshly grated parmesan cheese and serve at once. Serve with extra parmesan.

My bladder vs traffic

2010-03-26T12:42:00.002+02:00

During my 70 km commute to work every day, I spend a lot of time in traffic. If I leave at 5am, my travel time is usually about an hour. If I leave anything after 5:30, the volumes of traffic I encounter increases exponentially, my average speed decreases dramatically and I arrive at work having spent 1.5 - 2 hours in the car with a bursting bladder and a bad mood. Click on the Graph below which explains the various relationships which takes place if I leave my house at 6am instead of 5. When are they going to be finished with the infernal roadworks in Gauteng????

Blue Wednesday

2010-03-24T09:13:00.002+02:00

I wish I could do longer posts, but I have a bit of... erm... let’s just say ‘fan cleaning’ to do at work. So I am a bit busy, since washing off the proverbial from fan blades is disgusting & tedious employment. To top in all, I had the morning from hell. I left for work early, so I can start on my odorous task. Because of traffic I took a different route which takes me through Rosettenville. As I was driving pleasantly along, an articulated truck in front of me made a wide turn to get into a narrow side street. It didn’t quite make the turn and stopped suddenly. I swerved and both my right side wheels struck the middleman. Both tyres were busted and as I was worried about the suspension, I had the car towed. The insurance instructed the tow-away to put the car on a flat-bed and take it to heir approved panel beaters. When I eventually got to work, I went to wash my hands. I opened the tap to wide and water splashed all over the front of my tan chinos... I think I must go home... Mr. G. Ripewater...If you are reading this, I am trying to comment on your blog, but there is something wrong on your comments page!

L-Arginine – the price for sex leaves a bad taste in the mouth

2010-03-18T11:01:00.002+02:00

I have too many topics I want to cram into this one post, so maybe I’ll refer to them all and discuss them at length in posts to follow, we’ll see. Let me start with a bit of an update of what happened during my blogging drought between October 2009 and March 2010. I was feeling more than a bit overwhelmed with everything going on in my life. I had a terrible time at work (I am on the project from hell) and after a year we were still struggling to come to terms with caring for a baby after 11 years of marriage. I was feeling seriously stuck and became worried that my emotional state would negatively impact my relationship with Lamb and Image and, so I asked my Psychologist friend, Supplanter, for a referral to another Psychologist, as I would not be comfortable seeing him, since we are friends. He referred me to a lady called Paris von Dry Season. I felt comfortable with Paris straight away (funky older lady – platinum blond with a pink stripe in her hair). Paris suggested that I see a Psychiatrist as well, as she felt that I need to consider medication for depression/anxiety. Now depression and anxiety are called co-morbid conditions to ADD. It is thus not uncommon for people/children with AD(H)D to have either or both. Since I do not have to spill my guts to a Psychiatrist in the same fashion as to a Psychologist, I felt comfortable to approach Cara Noir, someone I know socially-bordering-on-friend. Cara indeed prescribed an anti-depressant, one which also alleviates anxiety and can be safely taken with Ritalin. I feel that I’ve greatly benefited from the combined therapy, despite work conditions deteriorating and even though the passing away of my Mother set me back a bit. (At least I feel that I am advancing in the grieving process – Feb was a terrible month in that respect, but I feel much lighter as of late). Anti-depressants, however can inhibit one’s sex drive and I have certainly felt that. It is strange... the mechanics still works perfectly, but the drive is not what it was before. Top that with the diminished opportunity for nooky which a new baby brings along... So, as I very often do, I jumped on the internet. I found that the supplement l-arginine is recommended for lowered sex drive due to the taking of anti-depressants. L-arginine is a supplement taken amongst others by body builders, as it is a precursor or something to the human growth hormone – so it helps you build muscle. So off I went to Dischem and bought a bottle of Solal (my preferred supplement brand) l-arginine (powder form). The first trick was to find the right time to drink the stuff, as it is to be taken on an empty stomach, at least two hours before or after a meal. Very rarely does 4 hours pass without me having anything to eat, so... When eventually I ended up for a brief period with an empty stomach, I took the powder as per the (inadequate) instructions. The bottle just said 3 scoops. I proceeded to add 3 scoops to half a glass of cold water. I stirred it well and drank deeply. Merde! Scheissen! ¡Hijo da puta! Fokken Moer die goed is sleg! I started gagging, heaving and roaring, but stopped just short of actually throwing up. The stuff is totally undrinkable. I added half a glass of grape juice, pinched my nose closed and downed the rest (the stuff is damn expensive). Lamb nearly peed herself with laughter. L-Arginine is vile-and evil tasting. It has a strong bicarbonate of soda tang overlaid with an odd bitterness and saltiness which sticks to the back of your throat. This is all combined with some other inexplicable taste – something I have not yet encountered. Onto the net again. I learned that acidity helps in countering the taste. The next time I dissolved it in Lemon juice (lots) and added ice cold water (lots). It was still not nice, but I managed much better this time. And guess what... It works. Although, I must admit, I am one of those people on which the placebo will work as well as the real thing. Just the act of taking something makes me feel better already. I’ve decided to spice my posts up a bit with some charts & graphs – so here is the first of my new vital statistics feature: The taste of l-arginine vs it’s effect over time.

What is the vilest thing you have ever tasted?

Weird food - Casu Marzu - Maggotty Pecorino

2010-03-17T07:59:00.004+02:00

It is time for another weird food post again! From Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casu_marzu retrieved 17 March 2010 Casu marzu (also called casu modde, casu cundhídu, or in Italian formaggio marcio) is a traditional Sardinian sheep milk cheese, notable for being riddled with live insect larvae. It is found mainly in Sardinia, Italy. Casu marzu literally means "rotten cheese" in Sardinian, and the cheese is known colloquially as maggot cheese. Casu marzu is created by leaving large pieces of Pecorino cheese outside and letting it ferment. During the fermentation process, the eggs of the cheese fly Piophila casei are either intentionally introduced to the cheese, or a female Piophila casei lays her eggs in the cheese, sometimes exceeding five hundred eggs at one time. The eggs hatch and the larvae begin to eat through the cheese. The acid from the maggots' digestive system breaks down the cheese's fats, making the texture of the cheese very soft, as described. By the time it is ready for consumption, a typical Casu marzu will contain thousands of these maggots. Casu marzu is considered toxic when the maggots in the cheese have died. Because of this, only cheese in which the maggots are still alive is eaten. When the cheese has fermented enough, it is cut into thin strips and spread on moistened Sardinian flatbread (pane carasau), to be served with a strong red wine. Casu marzu is believed to be an aphrodisiac by local Sardinians. Because the larvae in the cheese can launch themselves for distances up to 15 centimetres (6 in) when disturbed, diners hold their hands above the sandwich to prevent the maggots from leaping. Those who do not wish to eat live maggots place the cheese in a sealed paper bag. The maggots, starved for oxygen, writhe and jump in the bag, creating a "pitter-patter" sound. When the sounds subside, the maggots are dead and the cheese can be eaten. Several food safety issues have been raised in relation to Casu marzu, including anecdotal reports of allergic reactions and the danger of consuming cheese that has advanced to a toxic state. In addition, there is some risk of enteric myiasis, or intestinal larval infection. Symptoms include nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, and bloody diarrhea. Piophila casei larvae are very resistant to human stomach acid and can pass through the stomach alive, taking up residency for some period of time in the intestines and causing stomach lesions and other gastrointestinal problems. The larvae have powerful mouthhooks which can lacerate stomach linings or intestinal walls as the maggots attempt to bore through internal organs. Because of EU food hygiene-health regulations, the cheese was outlawed for a while, and offenders used to face heavy fines. However, it was always possible to get Casu marzu on the black market, where it can sell for double the price of a regular block of Pecorino. Nowadays, the EU ban has been circumvented by using another EU regulation, and having the casu marzu declared "traditional" food (made by the same recipe for more than 25 years), and as the recipe is thousands of years old, it is therefore allowed to deviate from ordinary food hygiene regulations. The traditional method is even explained by an official paper of the local government. Gorgonzola, Stilton & Roquefort is as rotten as I'll go...

Amazon Kindle in South Africa 2 – My experience

2010-03-16T08:30:00.003+02:00

Amazon Kindle in South Africa 2 – My experience A! [short & sharp Aahh] A! A! A! A! It is difficult for me to describe my experience of my Amazon Kindle in words. I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea have taken to my Kindle like the proverbial fish. Not having a backlit screen like such as a computer or cellphone, the Kindle is as easy on the eyes as printed paper. I have downloaded 5 books already, amongst others, The Lost Key – by Dan Brown; and the New International Version of the Bible. Two of the 5 books were free. The total cost of the three books I have paid for, amounted to the same as one hardcover book (New Fiction). Kindle New Fiction releases cost anything between R80-R110 (and depending on Rand/Dollar exchange). Older books cost anything between R35-R75. Classics will cost you anything between R15-R30. Kindle books are way much cheaper than the printed ones. The Amazon Kindle has so many wonderful features, such as a built in dictionary, opening on the last location where you have read, built in MP3 player, text-to-speech facility, etc, etc. I have taken it with on a business trip and it is an absolute pleasure in the airport & on the plane. Not to mention the envious stares from everybody else. So, what about the tactile experience & romantic aspects of reading and touching and smelling a printed book – a book which looks nice on display in your bookshelf, a book which, alongside others lends atmosphere to whichever room in your house? Well, I still love the smell of a second hand bookstore. I still like to touch and feel a book. But with the cost of books in South Africa, I can mostly afford Mass Edition Paperbacks only anyway. Kindle editions is even cheaper than paperbacks in SA. There remains however a number of printed books I own, which I’ll never willingly part with. I am reading a paperback at the moment. Yet, for some reason unbeknownst to me, the Amazon Kindle has enchanted me and within the space of one month of owning one, I have grown quite attached to it. Who would I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea recommend the Amazon Kindle to? Bookworms If you are a technofreak and a lover of gadgets, but do not like to read books – you will waste money if you buy this. You’d be better off and buy yourself the brand new Apple i-Pad when it becomes available in South Africa soon. The iPad has way more features than the Kindle and is much more powerful, it’s application is endless and blah blah blah, but... it has a backlit screen and I would not like to read books on it for extended periods. Please see my previous post for more on the Kindle.

Amazon Kindle in South Africa 1 – How to get ALL Kindle titles in SA

2010-03-13T10:43:00.003+02:00

Amazon Kindle in South Africa1 – How to get ALL Kindle titles in SA I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea first saw the Amazon Kindle on the Oprah Show. Oprah Winfrey was getting wax lyrical about this e-Book device from Amazon.com and proceeded to tell the world how much she loves this thin plastic tablet on which she can download and read books, the New York times and many more newspapers, periodicals & magazines. It does not often happen that I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea covet something, but from the moment I saw the Amazon Kindle, I knew that I have to have one. Sony’s e-book reader was the first of its kind to be available in South Africa, but whilst it already piqued my interest on a prior occasion, I was enchanted by this device from Amazon. Well done Oprah, you got me panting for this thing... On her show, Oprah continued to sing the Amazon Kindle’s praises, she interviewed Jeff Bezoz, the CEO of Amazon.com, she showed off the features of the Amazon Kindle and went on like only Oprah can. At the end of the show, Oprah gave everyone in the audience their own kindle and Jeff Bezoz lead the members of the audience in downloading a book each (for free). I was super jealous. The next day, I googled Amazon Kindle and much to my dismay had to learn that the Amazon Kindle at the time was only available in the USA. This was, as far as I could gather in part because Amazon’s Whispernet feature only being available in the States. The whispernet feature uses 3G technology to allow Kindle users to download books directly from Amazon.com to their Kindle devices. The connectivity part of this feature is free and the user only pays for the e-book itself and not for the download thereof. When in November 2009 I learned that the International version of the Kindle 2 has been launched and that the Whispernet feature is now available in South Africa, I knew that the time has come to acquire one. There was just one more hurdle. Due to licensing issues/agreements etc etc, not all the e-Books available for download on Amazon.com will be available in South Africa. (The list of Kindle books available in SA is still considerable) This aspect worried me though, for I was about to spend R3 000 (Three Thousand South African Rand) on something which full use I would not be able to enjoy. I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea found a way to overcome this hurdle however... I am not going to publish my strategy though, but should you wish to know how it is to be done, please mail me with your request at hardspear@hotmail.com Be warned though, that in order for me to know that you are South African, I will send you a question in Afrikaans, which you have to answer in Afrikaans as well. If you are not native Afrikaans speaking – the question should be easy enough to answer in whatever broken Afrikaans you can manage. So, I did buy a Kindle and my next post will deal with my experience with it thus far.

Ma - my 1st Afrikaans Post

2010-03-12T11:52:00.004+02:00

My dear Mother Bee passed away on 26 November 2009 after suffering an aneurism. It was quite unexpected and a big shock. My Dad asked me to say something at the funeral and this is what I came up with between gasps & sobs... Skaapboud, rys & sous, groenboontjies, pampoenkoekies met karamelsous, gebakte aartappels, malva poeding, Beef Wellington, hoenderpastei, spaghetti bolognaise, fettuccini primavera, skaapskenkel kerrie, tuna en rysgereg, Tabasco hoender, hoender Briyani, Ouma Rosie se gestolde visvoorgereg, vis & chips, stew, vlakoek, sjokoladekoek, joghurtkoek, kaaskoek, vrugtekoek, peppermint crisp tert, appeltert, sultansgenot, chille con carne, short bread, romany creams, kaaskoekkies, ongelooflike muffins, vetkoek met kerriemaalvleis. Tannie Dalena, Tannie Hettie, Stan & Flynn, Tannie Therese en Oom Carlo, Tannie Kotie, Tannie Petro & Oom Alfred, Tannie Herculien en Oom Cormie, Tannie Hanet en Oom Piet, Fanus, Oom Du Toit en Tannie Doreen, Sonja & Johan & Simeon, Pulane & Johnnie & Sulet & Zander. Oom Schalk..., Tannie Julie & Oom James, Pieter en Esther, Pieter & Monica ..., Alta...., PM & Adele, Pa Louis..., Gerrie & Coline & Imme, Rosa & Poen, Melissa & Eugene, Oupa Piet en Ouma Rosie, Oupa Gert & Ouma Lena, Oom Gerrie & Tannie Betsie, Marius & Elmarie, Tan en Oom Lood. Tee drink, die see, sêgoed, kosmosblomme, fotos, vriendinne, kuier, kosmaak, boeke, brei, tafel dek, tuinmaak, Israel, die Jode, die Bybel, intree in gebed, bybelstudie, Kerk, lofprys en aanbidding, die Here, Shabat, waardes, liefde, omgee, hoofpyn, grappies, staaltjies, mense, baie lag, die nice bure aan die een kant, die bure met die honde uit die hel aan die ander kant, Tikka en Cliff. Standerton, Ermelo, Heidelberg, Mmabatho, Bloemfontein, Oos Londen – Die Nuwe Jerusalem Mom... I miss you so, so, so much...

I'll be back

2009-10-16T06:56:00.002+02:00

This is the thing about projects - the closer to delivery date the more hectic. I am going to have to work night & day till 30 Nov. There'll be very little posting or reading of other blogs (if any). See you all in Dec. Will miss you. (Ps. If any one of you know where to buy a strap-on spine, please let me know, there's a jellyfish on this project in dire need of one - I'll buy it for him as an early Christmas gift)

You're a lout if you lurk

2009-10-09T16:02:00.002+02:00

I was just wondering whether I only have 4 people reading my blog and not feeling very good about my blog when I went over to Doodles of a Journo. In her current post she is wondering about lurkers. It made me wonder... do I have any readers who do not comment - in spite of my explicit instruction? I checked the word 'lurk' out on the online etymology dictionary and found that louts lurk... lurk c.1300, lurken "to hide, lie hidden," probably from Scand. (cf. dial. Norw. lurka "to sneak away," dial. Swed. lurka "to be slow in one's work"), perhaps ult. related to M.E. luren "to frown, lurk" (see lower (v.2)). lower (v.2) (also lour), M.E. louren, luren "to frown, lurk," from O.E. *luran or from its cognates, M.L.G. luren, M.Du. loeren "lie in wait." loiter 1362 (implied in loitering), from M.Du. loteren "be loose or erratic, shake, totter" like a loose tooth or a sail in a storm. In modern Du., leuteren "to delay, linger, loiter over one's work." Probably cognate with O.E. lutian "lurk," and related to O.E. loddere "beggar," O.H.G. lotar "empty, vain," Ger. Lotterbube "vagabond, rascal," O.E. lyðre "base, bad, wicked." lout (n.) 1548, "awkward fellow, clown, bumpkin," perhaps from dialectal derivative of O.E. verb lutan "bow low," from P.Gmc. *leut- "to bow, bend, stoop" (cf. O.N. lutr "stooping"), from PIE *leud- "to lurk" (cf. Goth. luton "to deceive," O.E. lot "deceit), also "to be small" (see little). Non-Gmc. cognates probably include Lith. liudeti "to mourn;" O.C.S. luditi "to deceive," ludu "foolish." Sense of "cad" is first attested 1857 in British schoolboy slang. If you punish me for not commenting over at yours - I am busy! work work work work work.

Al work & no play take Hardspear from his blog away...

2009-10-04T09:52:00.007+02:00

I am not even going to talk about work, just to say that it is tough at the moment. So here’s a bit of an update I eventually went to see District 9. Actually Lamb and I went to see it two weeks ago. Lamb is a sensitive viewer and the movie was graphically too intense for her, so we walked out an hour into the movie. I enjoyed the bit I saw very much and I wanted to see the rest, so I went to see it again on Thursday evening. Lamb and Image was away visiting Grandma for a few days, as per usual during school holidays.

The Sarie KOS magazine is out and I must say it is nice to see your photo & name in print. They did a cool 2 page spread on my recipe and the photo of my sosaties is mouthwatering. Braaiday was such a success and we had a super day! We had a typical South African spread and as always there was way too much food. As always we had a cook-off between the guys, but as always the cook-off part is just for fun. There were mussel pot and skilpadjies (minced savoury liver wrapped in caul fat and grilled over coals) for starters. We had the following on the braais for mains: Snoek, Mozambique style Portuguese Peri-Peri baby chickens, boerewors and of course, my sosaties. We had fancy salads, pap with tomato & onion relish and sweet potatoes wrapped in foil and cooked in the coals (with butter of course)

When Lamb and Image are away, I usually take the opportunity to do something which I can only do when I am alone. Last time it was the seriously rare rump steak salad with coriander lime dressing....... This time round I watched the opening & closing scenes of KOYAANISQATSI about 7 or 8 times. The music and visuals are intensely hypnotic, though I have yet to encounter someone who experience the movie the same way I do.

I am procrastinating doing our taxes, but if I don’t do it now, I am going to miss the e-filing deadline in Nov.

Meme, Myself & I

2009-09-21T12:54:00.001+02:00

I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea have nearly never done this most bloggerest of blogger things: A meme. I’ve been tagged before, but did not respond. Since Angel regularly posts memes, I’ve decided to ask her to suggest one. Angel responded with this one: I have to write about ten things I love. There is a snag though... she assigned the letter ‘J’ to the instruction, so every item on the list must start with the letter J. In the end it did not prove that easy, but I came up with a list which I am satisfied with and this is in no particular order or ranking: 1. Jeep clothing: It is the most comfortable clothing around. Especially if you are big like me. It actually makes your shoulders look bigger and your tummy smaller. I cannot wear Truworths Man clothes for example. Their largest size is XL and is too small for me. A Large Jeep shirt on the other hand fits me comfortably. 2. Johannesburg: Although I do not live there, it is the best city in SA. I really like Jozi. Cape Town is good for a long weekend and I cannot stand Pretoria (en omtrent 50% van alle Pretorianers). 3. Jockey briefs: Pure cotton comfort. (It is an ADD thing – clothing must be extremely comfortable) 4. Java-jolt: Strong cup, freshly brewed, good quality - first thing in the morning! 5. Jalapeño Peppers: Not too strong like Habañero – but lots of flavour 6. Jack Russel Terriers: We’ve got 2. 7. Jelly Tots: Reminds me of childhood 8. Journal: On-line – this one and other people’s 9. Janis Joplin: Boy, that girl could sing! 10. J&B: Amongst other Whiskeys

Observations on the R59

2009-09-18T02:31:00.003+02:00

Two years of commuting alone in my car on the R59 from Vereeniging to Johannesburg and back each day made me realize a few things. The observations to follow are what I have discerned from countless trips on a very busy highway. These observations exclude the obvious (BMW drivers (men) Mercedes drivers (women) and large trucks (very many between the Vaal and JHB)). Here we go...

Fastest bakkies = Late model company branded (usually machinery) Toyota bakkies – both double and single cabs.
Slowest bakkies = Old Ford bakkies (baby blue with an orange driver’s door) driven by an old oom with a hat. Fuck knows where he is going at 5:30 AM travelling on the R59.
Taxis = Perceptibly fewer taxi’s than on other highways. (thank God for small mercies)
Cars sticking too close on your tail =Toss-up between VW Polo tdi’s driven by some young @#*&! with a shark-fin hairstyle or a Mercedes Delivery Van driven by a man in overalls.
Preferred lift-club car for women = VW CitiGolf. Usually 4 large middle aged ladies with big hair and big earrings. As one cruise by you see a lot of mouths opening & closing, bangles flashing, heads turning to & fro, tight perms bobbing up and down and earrings swinging. I also imagine 4 strong clashing perfumes. A lot of talking & gesticulating. Kids, husbands and bosses, I guess the main topics to be. Sometimes there would be a pale thin young man stuck between the two ladies on the back seat. Blue is the preferred colour of the attire, so I fancy them to be working at Standard Bank in downtown Jo’burg.
Preferred lift club car for men = Men from V-town do not lift-club.
Most out of place and overly cautious = Middle class family looking uncomfortable in their Sunday best. I’ll put money on that one family member needs to see a specialist in Sandton and the rest go along for support. Daddy reckoned that you’ll never know what the traffic’s gonna do, so let’s leave early so that we make our 12:00 appointment comfortably. We can stop for burgers in Alberton on our way back, Mommy’s going to be too upset to cook tonight anyway.
And who said ADD’ers aren’t observant?! Ha!

And on the way back in the afternoon I thank God for 94.7 Highveld Stereo. Imagine the crap I would have thought out if I did not have a radio in the car! I wonder if someone categorised me...? I wonder if the new Heineken Brewery halfway to Vereeniging will have a factory outlet? Should I stop at the Blockhouse for a colddrink? Aah! My favourite song! I wish they would play .... for a change. That *Censored Censored Censored Censored Censored* at work today *Censored Censored Censored Censored Censored Censored* will get his comeuppance *Censored Censored Censored Censored Censored Censored* Bliksem 94.7 Highveld Stereo irritates the hell out of me sometimes, let’s see what is on the other stations: Radio 5 - no, Radio Oranje - no, Classic FM - no, 702 - no, Khaya- no, Metro - no, aaaarrrrgghhhh – JACARANDA!! – back to Highveld thank you very much. I am sure my penis just moved. TOET VIR JOU FOKKEN GAT MAN!!! I forgot to pray this morning. Meyerton, finally I am nearly home. What shall we eat tonight? I need to have the shocks on the car replaced.

Braai 4 Heritage

2009-09-16T03:01:00.002+02:00

The Braai 4 Heritage initiative started off as National Braai Day on the 24 of September (I think 2 or 3 years ago), coinciding with Heritage Day (SA public holiday). This became a politically tinged issue in the press and subsequently the initiative was re-named Braai 4 Heritage. I’ve never been one for celebrating public holidays (Exept the Christian holidays of Christmas & Easter). I did not celebrate The Day of the Vow or Republic Day in the old SA and I am not celebrating any of the ‘New SA’ holidays. I just couldn’t be bothered. To me they can call it Bank Holidays like they do in the UK. The only benefit to me is a day off, especially if it falls on a Friday or Monday, so one can have a lekker long weekend. However, having a day to celebrate the South African Braai... now that is worthwhile commemorating and celebrating. For the past two years we’ve been a group of friends that comes together on the 24th of September and have a good and proper SA braai with all the trimmings. We do it in the form of a cook-off, but no one takes the competition part seriously – it is done just for fun and for the braaiers to mock each other. This year we will be doing it again and I can’t wait and guess what I will be braaiing. Please check out the site http://braai4heritage.co.za/ for interesting bits and for a good laugh (especially the braaictionary. Also check out this site dedicated to the wonders of the braaibroodjie http://braaibroodjie.co.za/. Are you having a get-together something on Braai Day? Well, start arranging and may the wors be with you (and the chops, and the steaks, and the pap & sous, and the braaibroodjies and the potato salad...)

Cubes of meat on a hard spear

2009-09-10T07:25:00.002+02:00

I am not going to be able to NOT blog about this, so (and I hope I won't regret this) but here goes: I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea, am officially South Africa's Sosatie champion. The Afrikaans women's mag Sarie has a seasonal food edition, the Sarie KOS. In this they have been running competitions where they ask the readers to send in there recipes looking for SA's best. So far the emphasis has been on very traditional SA fare. The first one was melktert (a traditional SA tart with a baked egg custard filling in a flaky- or short crust and cinnamon sprinkled over), the second one was - tamatie-en-uie-smoor (warm tomato and onion relish) which are served with pap at a braai. The winning entries were exceptionally good. Sarie food actually prepare the entries and have a panel of foodies select the winner. They then do a spread in the Sarie KOS on the winning recipe and a photo of the winning entrant. In the winter 2009 edition they announced that they want SA's best Sosatie (curried lamb kebab). Sosatie is as traditional South African as you can get. Very popular in the braai culture and has it's roots firmly in Cape Malay cooking. I decided to enter. I developed my own recipe, made it and tested it. The result was PERFECT! I e-mailed my entry and waited. The other day I had a call to say that I won! I am over the moon! So - unfortunately not in time for Braai 4 Heritage Day, please buy the Spring Edition of Sarie KOS - on the shelves 30 September 2009. It is one of the best food mags around (Sarie Food Editor Barbara Joubert won a speciality editor award) and their website publish the recipe's in English as well.

Weird Food...or Drink? Kopi Luak Coffee

2009-09-03T07:57:00.002+02:00

It takes me, J. Hardspear de la Azotea, a long time to select a topic for a weird food post. I do not want it to take the form of “did-you-know-that-in-Outer-East-Mongolia-Yak-penis-broth-is-considered-a delicacy...’ type of posts. If you look at previous weird food entries, you should be able to see what I am trying to do here. So it takes a bit of research and a lot of thought before I do a weird food post. Kopi Luak coffee is now better known because of the movie, ‘The Bucket List’ where Jack Nicholson’s character has a particular affinity for this coffee. As a result of this affinity of his and Morgan Freeman’s character’s mockery of the origin of this coffee, they achieve one of the items on the list, which is laughing till they cry. So, from Wikipedia...the story behind Kopi Luak. Kopi Luak (pronounced [ˈkopi ˈloo - uck]) or Civet coffee is coffee made from coffee berries which have been eaten by and passed through the digestive tract of the Asian Palm Civet (Paradoxurus hermaphroditus) and other related civet populations. The civets eat the berries, but the beans inside pass through their system undigested. This process takes place on the islands of Sumatra, Java, Bali and Sulawesi in the Indonesian Archipelago, in the Philippines (where the product is called Motit Coffee in the Cordillera, or Kape Alamid in Tagalog areas) and in East Timor (locally called kafé-laku). Local lore in Vietnam has given the name "weasel coffee" to civet coffee, in what is considered the closest recognizable translation to English. Kopi is the Indonesian word for coffee, and luak is a local name of the Asian Palm Civet. The common palm civet is normally found in Ceylon, Bangladesh, Brunei Darussalam, Singapore, India and Pakistan, Myanmar (Burma), and Southern China, south to Sumatra and Java, east to the Philippines, Borneo, Celebes and the Lesser Sunda Island. In Malaysia, the common palm civets are wild-spread on the mainland, in Langkawi, Pulau Penang, and Pulau Tioman. Palm civets are primarily frugivorous, feeding on berries and pulpy fruits, including those of Ficus trees and plams. They also eat small vertebrates, insects, ripe fruits and seeds. Civets are often casually referred to as "cats" or "weasels" (Vietnam typically) but they are not in the cat or weasel family. In Sumatra they are in the family of Viverridae, and in the Philippines they are known as Paradoxorus Philippinensis, an endangered species currently aided and protected by the cultivation of civet coffee. Civets consume the red coffee cherries, when available, containing the fruit and seed, and they tend to pick the ripest and sweetest fruit. Thus there is a natural selection for the ripest coffee beans. The inner bean of the berry is not digested, but a unique combination of enzymes in the stomach of the civet add to the coffee's flavor by breaking down the proteins that give coffee its bitter taste. The beans are defecated, still covered in some inner layers of the berry. The beans are washed, and given only a light roast so as to not destroy the complex flavors that develop through the process. Light roasting is considered particularly desirable in coffees that do not exhibit bitterness, and the most pronounced characteristic of Kopi Luwak is a marked reduction in bitterness. In early days, the beans would be collected in the wild from a "latrine," or a specific place where the civet would defecate as a means to mark its territory, and these latrines would be a predictable place for local gatherers to find the beans. More commonly today, civet farms allow civets to roam within defined boundaries, and the feces produced are then processed and the coffee beans offered for sale. Many consumers question whether civet coffee is safe and sanitary, and whether it contains e-coli bacteria. The civet is not known as a carrier of e-coli or other bacteria potentially dangerous to humans, and there is no public record of any illness conveyed by civet coffee. It is professed by producers that the enzymes in the digestive tract, as well as the rigorous washing and sun drying of the beans, help to eliminate bacteria, along with the high temperature roasting process, and that the coffee is entirely safe. Kopi Luak is the most expensive coffee in the world, selling for between $100 and $600 USD per pound, and is sold mainly in Japan and the United States by weight, and served in coffeehouses in Southeast Asia by the cup. It is increasingly becoming available elsewhere, though supplies are limited; only 1,000 pounds (450 kg) at most make it into the world market each year.

Double Ritalin on Coffee with two sugars please – oh, and lots of milk.

2009-09-02T06:58:00.002+02:00

I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea know I should not take double doses of Ritalin, but last week I did. The new job is very hectic. My predecessor left and I am coming on board ¾’s of the way through the project. So I have a lot of catching up to do. My predecessor did NOTHING so everything on my project role is a mess. Now remember Ritalin is a stimulant. So I worked like a man possessed on the double dosages. I also had to do a personal financial management cum team building on the side on Saturday. My colleague worked out the teambuilding part, but I had to work out the presentation for the personal financial management bit. That had to happen out of work time. So you can imagine... I did pay dearly though. By Sunday I was klaar, klar, klarrrrr. Monday I walked round like an automaton. Yesterday I started to recover, but I nodded off during a meeting (9:30) in the morning. I think one lady saw me, because I caught her trying to suppress a smile. Today I feel my old self again and I am only on Chai Tea.

Whoooo Hoooo!

2009-08-27T15:24:00.001+02:00

I’ve had such incredible good news! I won a competition in a popular magazine! I cannot decide whether to give details here or not, because my real identity and recent photo will be published with the effort which afforded me a win. (The photo on my blog header is 12 years old. It was taken in Lucerne in Switzerland. I was standing in the Altstadt (old city) with the Vierwaldstättersee (my knowledge of German is very elementary, I think in means ‘lake of the four woods cities) behind me and Neuestadt (new city) in the background. Lamb took the photo. This was shortly after I asked her to marry me in Paris on the banks of the Seine across from the Notre Dame Cathedral. I bought the ring in Germany a week later. Lamb fancied having a pearl ring and we found an antique Art Deco 14 carat gold ring in Munich with a pearl set in silver with diamond chips. The setting is typical Art Deco and 14 carat gold is rather unusual. The pearl took on the deepest cream sheen since Lamb started wearing it. The ring is very special to the both of us – even if it is not a big mother-of-all-diamonds diamond ring)

How do I get FUCKING Google Adsense removed from my Blog?

2009-08-24T07:48:00.003+02:00

I used the word G@y in one of my posts and now google Adsense is posting these online d@ting ads on my blog! Now I have to misspell like a spammer for fear that they will place more such ads! I don't have anything against mentioned individuals, I just don't want ads advertising "hoekie-vir-eensames" services on my blog, irrespective of orientation! First I went into my account and put filters on the ads. The filters only seems to have made it worse, and now I get all kinds of d@ting ads on my blog. I have tried to switch off google ads - to no avail. I have removed the widget from my blog template, but still they appear. I have made diddly squat from google ads anyway, so no use in keeping it, but now it turns out to be like having termites under your house. It is very difficult to exterminate! If any of you can offer suggestions (adsense help is really KAK) please, I implore you...

Thoughts like glue

2009-08-23T06:32:00.000+02:00

In the previous post I mentioned how people with ADD can get stuck on a topic. It is hard to express how one thing can consume one so totally and completely. When I plan a big meal for friends, I think of nothing else for days. I become one with the ingredients. I become the recipe. I struggle to sleep because my thoughts are consumed by what I am going to make to eat, how I am going to make it, how I am going to make it special, what we’re going to drink. I start living the event for two days and up to a week before the time. If I manage to sleep, I dream about it. I know beforehand that no matter what the guests will be drinking, I’ll be wanting a good robust red wine with a nose of wood and smoke and palate to match. Or sometimes it will be crisp Riesling smelling of cut grass and tasting of green grapes. Sometimes I’ll feel like having beer only, but it will definite be part of my beforehand thoughts. I will also start to feel just how a good time we will be having. During this time it is hard to have conversations about anything else. It is then also hard to cope with other people continuously INTRUDING, or TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT! WOE BETIDE YOU should you inadvertently and innocently and unsuspectingly mention one of my favourite topics in a conversation. At first you will think – “Aah, nice, we have something in common.” Then you’ll think, “he’s quite knowledgeable about this.” From there it will quickly progress to, “heavens, how am I going to get him to stop!?” Jaaa, I know we ADD’ers mess up sometimes, but because of getting thát stuck on a topic, we’ve been practicing for so long in our heads, that by the time we actually get round to do what we have been stuck on, the results will surprise you, for it will be perfect and done with a lot of creativity. As for ourselves, many times other people will love the result, but we will still not be satisfied, for it may not quite be how we imagined. At other times it will be even better than what we visualised it. If it came out not as we would have wanted it, we will agonise for a little and then drop it. If it came out better... well we will be even more stuck to the subject for a bit. Sometimes you’ll want us to repeat what we did, only to be annoyed to find us pulling a face. Remember, by that time we may already be stuck on something different entirely... And you’ll be like “you’re so gooood at it, why don’t you keep at it and make money from it?” And we’ll be like “Dude!, I am trying to figure out how to build this bird-feeder in the form of a medieval castle!”

Anti-Feminism Campaign Continued

2009-08-20T07:37:00.004+02:00

Oooh, one thing about ADD, once you get affixed on a topic, you’re literally welded fast! It is like a scratched record being stuck in a groove repeating the same bit over and over. (I hope you’re all old enough to remember vinyl. It is very different from a scratched CD which gets stuck). This post is based on a comment I made a long time ago on Betty Noire’s blog. I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea FULLY prescribe to gender equality, but believe that feminists in the end miss this objective. I think the Suffragettes of old would hate to learn what modern day feminism has become. I hate the fact that women are being treated unfairly even in modern Western societies. Next to child abuse, I find the abuse of women abominable. Very few things make me angrier. Yet I believe that equality between the genders can co-exist comfortably with a definite split in gender roles. Here is an example of what I am on about. I want to raise my little girl to be financially (and in most other aspects) independent of any man, so that she can marry for love. I want her to become a woman in full right, so that if she meets the right guy, that she can be the woman, girl, wife, lover and mother of his children whom he can love and cherish as an equal, but still as a woman. Equality does not mean we have to give up our gender roles. Men must also stop being so asswupped scared to be men. Somebody please kick this soapbox from under me so I can blog about something else for a change!

The things men don’t talk about

2009-08-19T08:27:00.001+02:00

The previous two post made me realise again that there are so many things men don’t talk about. I want to thank Spear the Almighty though for commenting honestly. I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea, think the strongest deterrent for men not to talk about certain subjects like sex, money, their jobs, religion etc has to do with vulnerability. Oh, men talk about sex, money, their jobs and religion all the time and yet they don’t talk about it at all. Yes, we brag about conquests, and make jokes. We will tell others of how good we are at our jobs, what an idiots our boss/colleagues are. We will say that one should avoid the topic of religion, but we comment on it all the time. We don’t however say that the sex drought after the baby came, touches the core of our masculinity. Although with our minds we understand (or try to) what our wives are going through, somewhere deep inside a little voice says – maybe she’s not into me anymore. And THAT makes me insecure and makes me feel vulnerable. We will talk as if it is all about the act and ‘I-gave-it good-to-her’, but we never express the need for an unreserved response in lovemaking. For that unreserved response is THE single most powerful affirmation of who and what I am right to the core of my being. We never tell anyone of how our job situations makes us feel apprehensive about the future. I’ve never told anybody that when I was without a job, I felt castrated and lesser of a man. I am after all the provider – never mind that my wife works as well and contributes financially to the household. Let me also use this to start my anti-feminist rally. These things I am talking about might be sneered at by feminists who find the frail male ego laughable. Well, let me tell you. Stuff like job & position being linked to ego and feelings of masculinity comes included with the package of having a dick and balls. Laugh at it if you want - but young or old, macho or meek, gay or straight – men measure their worth by the jobs they do. They also measure others with the same stick. And yes, despite what we project to the outside, our egos are frail. We will (sometimes) tell others of our religious convictions, but we will very seldom tell anyone of our real religious feelings and experiences. I don’t believe in feminism as I do not condone chauvinism. I am a firm believer of equality between the sexes, but I also believe just as a ton of gold and a ton of platinum differ in volume and composition, equality does not mean sameness. I believe differences should be celebrated and nurtured. And this does not mean putting someone in a man-mould or a woman-mould. It is the difference between encouraging and criticizing. I’ve found, contrary to what I have ever believed and found to be rational, that talking about stuff men don’t talk about has made me feeling less vulnerable instead of more, coz I ain’t got no more secrets some can ‘discover’ and hurt me with. I’ve put it in the open and if you don’t like it, well you simply don’t like it.

Daddy got nooky

2009-08-17T12:12:00.000+02:00

Thanks everyone for the comments on the previous post. I know and UNDERSTAND all of that as much as a man can possibly TRY to. I have been doing the communication thing, and I told Lamb exactly that. I understand that there are various reasons for her libido not being what it was before baby. I explained very nicely that I really need us to have sex more often. Believe it or not, I also want nice romantic sex and not just a quickie here and there to sate the physical need only. Lamb also understands what I have been saying to her. So, what got us to have sex in the end? Humour! A stupid little joke I made (and it was not even sex related at all) was what was needed for Lamb to take the initiative and instigate sex without me even having to ask. (Or maybe I just looked thát pathetic and she felt sorry for me.) So what got us to have GREAT sex? More humour! In bed I told her that I feel like a dog for wanting to have sex with her, knowing she feels a bit under the weather with a cold. But, that like a dog I also have certain urges! Lamb laughed so much she cried and then we had wonderful sex.

New Dad No Sex

2009-08-12T15:38:00.002+02:00

I write this post with the utmost respect to my wife, Lamb, and do not wish to put her in a bad light in any way. This is just something I have to get off of my chest. On Oprah the other day, she had a discussion going with mothers and the things mom’s do not usually admit to others and true and honest feelings about childbirth and children. One discussion was around resuming (gmph!) sex life after the birth of the baby. The women Oprah talked with gave all the usual (though valid and realistic) reasons of why new moms does not feel like having sex. I prepared myself for this before the birth as I have been forewarned by other new dads. What they didn’t tell me was for how loooong this was going to be. Now listening to my wife and the women on Oprah, gave me even more insight into this. The problem for me is not lack of understanding. The problem for me is I NEED MORE SEX! So I went and looked on the web for tips today. What, is this all, is there nothing else I can try? Here is some Great Dad tips I’ve found, but the author only state that maybe this will get you some – no guarantees... I’ve commented on each of them. 1. Break out the flowers and champagne. This one is a little too transparent to work more than once a month, but always worth a try. Done that. Most times I’ll get an honest thank you and get told how much I am appreciated. Nice, but no nooky. 2. Be a great dad. Actually, moms are turned on by strong men who can show they can take care of little kids. After putting the little one down for a nap, you might get one of your own. Try my levelest. Regularly get told that I am the greatest dad and she appreciates everything I do soooo much. Mmm still no nooky. 3. Plan your getaway. Yeah, it’s trite, but organizing a weekend away, including a relative to watch the kids, does wonders for a girl’s libido. You might even pack some toys. Done that. Went to Thabela Thabeng in the Vredefort Dome. THANK YOU B E T T Y FOR THE TIP!! Mother-in-law agreed to look after the baby for one night. It worked! Very nice break. Veeery nice nooky. But it was a month ago and it is not realistic to go away somewhere romantic 5 times a week. 4. Watch some smut. Casually leave a Cinemax-style soft core playing around bed time. You might be surprised that it gets her in the mood. Just don’t play anything too graphic. Well, to say that porn does not turn me on would be a lie. I just find it creates unrealistic expectations and does more for one’s fantasy life than for your actual sex life. Yes, before baby, Lamb could also get in the mood with some soft porn, but it is a route I am choosing not to go with. I crave meaningful sex with my wife, not a quick wank with only my fantasies. 5. Do the laundry and the dishes and make dinner. Women hate that stuff hanging over their heads. If she’s just getting home from work and it’s all done for once, she may have room in her brain for other things. I DO! Often! And I clean the house, and I do the washing! It is nice to hear how much she appreciates it. BUT ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS! 6. Throw out the bedroom TV. A study last year in Italy showed that couples who gave up TV in bed, doubled their sex per week. Never had a TV in the bedroom... Never will... 7. Don't expect much quickie sex. Unfortunately, it's less about animal lust these days. I am willing to fake 6 hours of foreplay if there had been any interest! 8. Stay in shape, shower up and be stay attractive to her. What's good for the goose... Mmm... I could do with slimming down a bit. 9. Don't push it. Don't whine about not getting any sex, or insist when she's not into it. That only will lead to bad feelings all around. You're going to have to be more artful here. Haven’t done this yet, but it is starting to get difficult not to whine. 10. Suggest baby #2 or #3. Nothing motivates a woman more than when she's trying to have a baby, as you will recall from baby #1. This is not recommended unless you are really ready for the next one Fuck dude, are you crazy!? When Lamb was pregnant she was horny as hell and we had fantastic sex and quite often, but I do not think suggesting another baby will do the trick right now. If there is any other new dads out there, you are welcome to either give tips which work, or commiserate.

The angry red carbuncle

2009-08-11T08:38:00.000+02:00

Why....WHY? Why is it that the day before you start a new job a zit the size of a carbuncle develops on your forehead / nose / chin?

Aaah, the smell of Grandma

2009-08-07T08:35:00.003+02:00

Tamara of Doodles of a Journo talked about associations in one of her recent posts. She related how sometimes a smell or seeing something can trigger a memory. She also wrote about how some memories seemingly appear unbidden. Much has been written and said about how powerful a memory trigger smell can be. The lines from the famous Afrikaans poem “my nooi is in ‘n nartjie, my ouma in kaneel” immediately springs to mind. Literally translated it means – my girlfriend is in a tangerine, my grandmother in cinnamon. So smells of tangerine reminded the poet of his girlfriend and smells of cinnamon of his grandmother. Now, today I have a story which proofs just how strong the smell memory trigger can be. Tamara mentioned that the smell of tea reminds her of her grandmother. I commented on her blog that my grandmother smelt of Singleton’s Medicated Snuff and Frisco Coffee. I’ve left something out. Something very significant. When I was small, my grandmother changed her perfume from the famous 4711 cologne to Yardley’s Moon Drops. So whereas I remember the smell of 4711 very well, the other smell I associate with my grandmother is Moon Drops. Lamb and I was married for about a year when Ouma (Granny) Rose passed away. After the funeral, Bee, my mother rounded up all the stuff in Ouma Rose’s flat and handed it out to all her sisters-in-law, nieces and nephews’ wives. My male cousins and I got a few photographs. When people know Grandma likes a certain type of perfume, they buy it for her on her birthday and Christmas. So all the unopened bottles and Gift Sets of Moon Drops that my mom found were handed out as well. A month or so after the funeral, I was watching TV and Lamb was taking a bath. Later she called me from the bedroom. She was laying naked on the bed, beckoning me with her finger and a beguiling smile. Not needing to be invited twice, my clothes evaporated from my body and I jumped onto the bed next to her. As I sidled up to her, it was as if hit by a hammer on the forehead. She positively reeked of Moon Drops. She liberally doused herself with body lotion, talcum and perfume from the Moon Drops gift pack she got from my mother. (Sorry, I am using split infinitives again). Although we’re Afrikaans speaking, I told Lamb the following in English: “Sorry Doll, but I cannot get it up if you smell like my dearly departed Grandma.” So there’s the proof, smell can trigger a memory so strong it can stop a recently wed warm blooded man in his tracks and turn a tumescent torrent to a drooping drip. Luckily we laughed so much that no nooky didn’t matter in the end. What is your strongest smell association / memory?

Relief

2009-08-06T13:01:00.001+02:00

The job-drought seems to be braking. I have started on a new project and although it is only two days a week, I am quite relieved.

Julie & Julia

2009-08-04T10:15:00.004+02:00

One of the reasons I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea, have started blogging have been made into a feature film! I’ve always wanted to write a book. I never knew (and still do not know) what about and how to start. One of the events leading to me starting a blog – and I have mentioned this previously - was a very irritating Margarine ad on TV about a woman in her kitchen busy cooking and getting wax lyrical about blogging. Ever since Stork’s ads improved greatly. (Print & Television). But hey, it still is and remain NOT BUTTER! But that irksome ad prompted me to ‘research’ blogging (I read the Wikipedia entry). When I read about a woman called Julie Powell who began the Julie/Julia Project, a Web log chronicling her attempt to cook all the recipes in Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking, I was interested. To learn further that she gathered quite a food blog following and that she reworked the blog into a book which got published and was successful, I needed no further convincing. And now a movie called Julie & Julia has been made! Admittedly, there is more to the movie than just the Julie/Julia project. The movie also deals extensively with Julia Child’s interesting life as America’s first really popular celebrity TV cook. In the film Meryl Streep plays the role of Julia Child. I acknowledge that my casual and unsystematic jottings on this blog are not publishing material. I feel though that I have made a start and maybe something will come of it at a later stage. At some juncture in a natural progression I have started blogging more about food than the main ADD theme. According to the stats I’ve gotten more hits as a result. I am glad that I read about blogs before starting blogging. I picked up a few tips, such as never to blog (especially anything negative) about the place you work, colleagues and friends or family - in particular if you are not blogging anonymously. (Tamara – I see you also share this sentiment) My sister knows a woman who got fired (they live in a small town) after publishing negative comments about her boss on her facebook page. An unexpected surprise was the wonderful on-line friends I have made. Reading their blogs and interacting with them definitely makes my life richer. For now... I cannot wait to see the movie.

Cost of connectivity

2009-07-20T08:42:00.002+02:00

Hi there. Due to the exorbitant costs of connectivity in South Africa, I will only be able to blog in August again. I have used up my bundle for the month. I am going to kill someone at Vodakak!

Computer Generated Café de Paris Sauce for Steak

2009-07-16T15:30:00.004+02:00

One of my favourites at a local restaurant is steak with Café de Paris butter. Now according to Wikipedia a vast difference exists between Café de Paris butter and Café de Paris sauce. Café de Paris butter is the most wonderfully savoury, deeply satisfying sauce you can possibly have with steak. It does not overpower the taste of the steak, it greatly enhances it. So when I checked on the net, there were too many recipes all claiming to be the authentic Café de Paris sauce (but meaning butter). I downloaded loads of these recipes and put the lists of ingredients into an Excel Spreadsheet. I then ran it all through a Pivot Table, which gave me the amount of times a specific ingredient featured in my collection of recipes. I decided on a arbitrary cut-off point and only used the ingredients featured in a certain percentage of recipes. I read through the original recipes to get a feel for amounts and method of preparation. The result was staggeringly delicious and unspeakably good. It was delightfully first class and just so satisfactorily mouth-wateringly tasty! I have made it many times since and always makes extra to keep in the freezer. So when Lamb and Image visited Grandma last week this was definitely on one evening’s menu for one. I bought a nice juicy piece of rib-eye steak which I sizzled in a griddle pan. It was a large piece of steak and I was not in the mood for starch, so I only had steamed broccoli with a lime-coriander dressing with my Café de Paris steak. Lamb had the camera with her, so the photo below is not my own – got it from the web. When one looks at the list of ingredients, one would think that this cannot possibly taste good. It’ll certainly spoil the taste of the steak, but look at amounts and method and I promise you, you will not be disappointed. Hey it is me, J. Hardspear de la Azotea, will I ever post a recipe which is not good? I ask you?

Here is my computer generated recipe then:

Filet Café de Paris 250 g Butter (Soft) 4 tbsp (in total combined) Fresh Parsley, Tarragon, Thyme, Rosemary, Oregano, Basil, Sage (At least 5 of the above) Try to get as much fresh as possible and use dried only for those you cannot get fresh. The Tarragon and Sage is very important, so use dried if you must. 2 Cloves Garlic 2 Lemons (Juice and Zest) 1 Chopped Shallot or red onion 1 tsp Curry Powder 8 Anchovy Fillets 1 Small glass Madeira/Sherry/Port Season with salt & Pepper Finely chop shallot and sweat till soft in a little oil. Add Madeira/Sherry/Port and cook till evaporated. Add anchovies and stir till dissolved into the mixture and add the curry powder. Remove from the heat and let cool. Chop the fresh herbs as finely as possible. Mince the garlic, grate some zest off of the lemons and squeeze the juice out. Thoroughly mix everything with the soft butter. Can be prepared well in advance and kept in refrigerator or freezer. Coat whole fillet with olive oil and season with salt & pepper. Cook on Weber using indirect method – hot fire for 35-40 min. Put Café de Paris butter in a cast iron saucepan and pan on the grill. Whilst on the grill, cut into steaks and flash each piece directly over the hot coals and then into the Café de Paris butter. Serve straight away. Works also for steaks grilled directly over coals or steak fried in a griddle pan on the stove.

Father

2009-07-09T16:23:00.002+02:00

Father, you know that I don’t like to pray in front of other people, for it makes me feel vulnerable. Please understand then how much I need You today. I thought that I’ve bared my soul to my online friends many times before, but I know that I have not really done so. As I was passing the Christian bookshop today, You made me go in. A place I’ve never felt comfortable in. Suddenly in there I needed to find something which is going to make everything right again. You know that when I watched that Fireproof movie a while back, I thought that it was a good story, but just a tad to preachy for my liking. Yet, I walked out of that shop with a copy of the Love Dare book from that movie. I gather You want me to start with my marriage. I don’t think that that is the biggest problem in my life right now, but I’ll trust You on this. You know I have the attention span of a gnat. Still I am going to do this 40 day dare with sincerity and vigour. You know that You are going to have to help, however. You have put me on this track, and I commit with all my heart, but I am going to need You very close. Why couldn’t You have kept me close all the while? Why must I drift away during good times and why must I hit a low before You pull me back? You know that I consider myself to be blessed with a child-like faith in You, even when I am far from You. You know that I never ever doubt that You are the true and only God. But You also know that I have ADD and that I have MAJOR problems with authority, even Yours. I HATE to be told what to do (and not to do). You made me and therefore You know that I will very easily do the opposite of what being told. You also know of the subsequent regret, remorse and guilt I experience. I know You gave me the ability to choose, but You also know how self-deterministic I am and that I consider ME to be the one who makes decisions about me and my life. YOU KNOW THAT! I KNOW THAT! I’VE JUST NEVER ADMITTED IT TO YOU OR ANYONE ELSE! I’ve admitted it now though and with all humility I come before You and I tell you that I will listen and I will do. I am not bargaining with You but I will ask this... Can’t you try a different tack with me like a father or mother would try something different with a wayward child? Because You know that is what I am. Today I am not asking for a new job or anything, the things I ask is that inner joy and peace [sob] of which You speak of and that You help me with this Love Dare and that I be totally unselfish with my motives in doing it. Do You know that people perceive Christians as dull and grey and ineffectual and weak and as wimps and hypocritical and sanctimonious and judgemental? I don’t want to be seen like that! I want to be seen as a man of courage! Surely Moses and David and Caleb and Joseph and Peter and Paul were no wimps? Some of them died for You! Please make me a modern day Christian with strength and integrity! Since I was little and I’ve asked You to come and live in my heart, this is the most honest and sincere prayer I’ve ever prayed. Please listen to my heart today. May Your Holy Spirit help me please and I ask for forgiveness for all my wrongdoings. Forgive me also for not thanking You, for yet another miracle You’ve affected in the life of my sister. In Jesus’ Name Amen.

A first time for everything

2009-07-09T08:55:00.002+02:00

For the first time ever I've deleted a post. I apologise for having been blasphemous. I know I swear like a trooper and it doesn't bother me much, but I hardly ever use the Lord's name in vain. As I am one for facing up to one's actions I am not going to blame it on too much wine (what was I thinking drinking semi-sweet wine anyway?). I am not going to blame it on still not having a new job. I did it, I feel bad, I've repented. There is no way of getting pass the fact that I am a bit depressed about the job situation however. I've had two unsuccessful interviews and no matter how much I told myself those positions were not meant for me and that there is something better waiting out there. But Momcat & Angel, thank you, today it is chin-up again and me and CareerJunction have a date yet again.

Where am I?

2009-07-01T13:39:00.004+02:00

I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea have a SEVERE and PROLONGED bout of Blogger's Block. Also been preoccupied with other stuff (in my mind and in the real world). As soon as it breaks, I'll become a prolific poster again and you won't be able to keep up with the torrents of new and interesting posts. It is 2.5 cm cold in V-Town at the moment. I think both my brains are frozen.

A diet fit for Royalty and other weird food

2009-06-19T11:26:00.001+02:00

I have been thinking for two weeks about my 100th post on this blog. I wanted it to be something really profound. I haven’t come with anything nearly weighty, philosophical and reflective enough to be termed profound though... What about something fun however? Yeah! Let’s do another weird food! I have a small selection of rather unusual cookbooks. I find them in dusty old second hand bookshops. If you browse through all the Microwave cookbooks (which came standard with microwave ovens in the 80’s) you’ll find some unexpected treasures. There was one Microwave Oven brand and I think it was Sharp which came with a cookbook called Bon Appetite. I have yet to come across a second hand bookshop which does not at least proudly sport one copy! Back to old cookbooks though, many times their worth are not much to use for cooking from, as for making a fascinating read instead. One of my little treasures is Mrs McKee’s Royal Cookery Book. The caption below the title describes the book as: A day-to-day cookery book by the former cook to H.M. The Queen and H.M. The Queen Mother. The book was published in 1964 by Arlington Books. References in her book makes me suspect that she was of Swedish origin. She states that she learned to cook in Sweden. Here then, two weird recipes from Mrs McKee’s Royal collection: NETTLE SOUP (Nessel Kal in Swedish) If you have a garden with a stinging nettle problem, don’t despair – eat them. In Sweden nettle soup is quite a delicacy; (why is weird food always a delicacy somewhere?) Nettle tops have a light delicious taste rather like asparagus; and people say they are good for you, I can’t remember why, something to do with rheumatism, I think. However, they are certainly good made into soup. Snip off tender nettle tops in April or early May, cook and sieve them and make according to the following recipe which has been handed down through many generations in Sweden. ½ pint cooked and sieved nettle tops 1 pint good stock made from veal and pork bones 1 tablespoon cold butter ½ tablespoon finely chopped chives 1 tablespoon flour, Pepper, salt and a pinch of sugar Bring the stock to the boil and thicken with the flour diluted in a little water. Simmer for ten minutes. Add the seasoning and sugar, the sieved nettles and chives. Simmer for twenty minutes. Add the butter, remove from heat and stir with a whisk. Keep warm. And another treasure from Mrs McKee BEEF TEA (Beats any diet for weight loss) Preparing Beef Tea is another thing which makes you feel wonderfully virtuous and Mrs. Beetonish. Originally, of course, it was designed for invalids but it is also excellent when you want to go on a crash diet and still preserve your energy. Drink nothing but beef tea for two or three days and you will be strong as well as slim: 2 lbs shin of beef A root and two springs of parsley 2 pints of water Salt to taste Cut the meat into small pieces and free from fat. Place in an earthenware jar or pot with water and a little salt. Clean and cut the parsley root and add to the meat with the springs. Allow to stand for half an hour. Then cover the jar and place in a pan of water. Boil for five or six hours. Strain through a muslin cloth. Nou ja, daar het jy dit!

Ethan of Athos

2009-06-12T10:36:00.002+02:00

‘Ethan of Athos’ by Lois McMaster Bujold is one of the funniest books I have ever read. It is Science Fiction, but falls in the category of ‘Soft SciFi’. The distinguishing quality of Soft SciFi is that it is character driven. The story and characters takes precedence over the ‘science’. In ‘Hard SciFi’ the characters and story are also important, but the science is more of an integral part of the story. The Original Trilogy of StarWars can be presented as an example of Soft SciFi. StarWars OT is basically, if you analyse the elements, a fairy tale set in space. Soft SciFi are often very accessible to everyone and not only to hard baked dyed-in-the-wool SciFi fanatics. Back to Ethan of Athos – here’s the back cover summary: You might think that an obstetrician on a planet forbidden to women would be underemployed... Not so, Dr Ethan Urquhart, Chief of Biology at the Severin District Reproduction Centre is one of the busiest men on the planet Athos. That is, until a mysterious genetic crisis threatens Athos with extinction. Drafted to brave the wider universe for his cloistered fellows in quest of new ovarian tissue cultures, Ethan braces himself for his first encounter with those most alien of aliens...females of his own species. But braced or not, his wildest imaginings could never have stiffened him sufficiently for alliance with Dendarii Mercenary Commander Elli Quinn, an utterly gorgeous mercenary intelligence officer who has her own secret interest in Athos’ problems and Ethan as well.

Sourdough bread, a heavenly pastry and job-hunting

2009-06-08T12:25:00.002+02:00

I, J. Hardspear de la Azotea finally managed to produce a genuine sourdough loaf! (Well two actually) Much as I want to say that I have cultured the initial sourdough starter (suurdeeg plantjie) myself, I cannot claim that. After not getting it right, I sort of put off and put off and putt off doing it again, though I very much wanted to give it another shot. Then I heard about this peculiar bakery in Vanderbijlpark – remember I live in the Dirty Vaal Triangle. The place is called the Civic Bakery and is situated in an obscure place sort of on the edge of the CBD. Now, as everywhere else in South Africa, the CBDs of towns and cities have degenerated quite dramatically. High-end shops are now situated in malls in the middle-class and upper-class neighbourhoods. Now, when being told about this not-easy-to-spot bakery in Vanderbijlpark (town known for its mega-sized steel industries) which sells divine and heavenly items of confectionary, real sourdough bread and even unusual items such as pain de fantasie (breads sculpted into forms like animals or plaited or highly decorated breads), I must admit that I was sceptical. I had to go there though. I found it because of the good directions I was given. Walking up to the bakery, I was confronted with shop-front windows painted cream sporting a non-descript logo and the words ‘civic bakery’. It had the look of a low grade industrial bakery. Inside looked much the same, save for what was stacked behind the glass of the counter and shelves. ‘S true’s nuts! Little bread rolls looking exactly like tortoises, twisted & plaited breads. Crisp sugared doughnuts and the most irresistible looking Danish pastries. I chose a cherry Danish. I then asked the lady behind the counter if they use real sourdough. She replied that they did, especially the German and Austrian rye breads and the Italian chiabatta. I lamented that I am unable to culture my own sourdough starter and asked if she would sell me a piece of theirs. She then told me that her husband is the baker and that he is not in. I asked her for his number so that I can ask him myself. I must have looked desperate, because she went to the back and came back with a walnut sized piece of sourdough in a greaseproof bag. She looked a bit worried and informed me that she sincerely hopes that her husband would not be angry with her, and that he still would have enough for tomorrow’s batch. Outside I opened my little box containing the Danish and gingerly took a bite. At the sound of violins I closed my eyes and ascended to heaven. The fresh flaky pastry melted in my mouth. The richness of the buttery pastry, the sweetness of the icing and the tart cherry filling made me slowly spin in the air. I gave the big old black dog that has been snapping at my heels all week a great big kick in the mouth and he ran off yelping into the distance. Yes, no Prozac can dissolve depression like real top quality confectionary! But then it must not be a dry bready piece of confectionary filled with evil gag reflex inducing gelatinous confectioner’s custard or fake soapy confectioner’s cream made from dairy substitutes so loaded with trans fats that it coats your tongue and palate with goo reminiscent of rancid sheep’s fat. To make it worse, some of it is covered with “chocolate” which turns out to be chocolate icing made from cheap margarine. The strange thing is though, people love this crap. They queue at supermarkets’ bakeries to buy these abominations. Back on earth I manage to find my car and drive home. When I arrived I’ve sufficiently recovered to give the sourdough some attention. I made a well of flour (1 cup) on the countertop into which I poured ¼ cup warm water. I broke up the sourdough ball in this well and proceeded to incorporate some of the fresh flour into the middle. (Some higher-end SPAR stores sell organic unbleached bread flour from Eureka Mills near Heidelberg in the Western Cape.) I continued till all the flour was incorporated into a rather stiff ball of dough. I then kneaded till soft and very malleable. I then put it in a bowl covered with a tea towel in a warm place for about five hours. I repeated the process a few times every time increasing with a greater amount of flour and water till by the next day (Saturday afternoon) I had enough to bake with. All this and I ended up with two lovely loaves of Pain Blanc au Levain (white bread made from sourdough) We invited friends over and I made soup for starter and a hearty stew for mains. I served the bread as an accompaniment to both. The soup and stew went down well, but everyone raved about the bread. They finished both loaves and complained that I didn’t make more bread. One guest actually became upset. I managed to appease him a bit with baked pudding which he had with both cream and custard! As I have said, I had the old black dog on my back last week and did not have the energy to post regularly. The whole out-of-work-staying-at-home thing is getting a bit long in the tooth now. A cherry Danish saved me though, and bread baking gave me some purpose. I have saved a piece of my second refreshment of the sourdough and put it in the fridge. The challenge now will be to keep my sourdough alive. The bread is so delicious though, I have enough motivation to keep on baking. The next bread I am going to try is.... TADA!... a real San Francisco Sourdough! I have started looking for jobs with renewed vigour now, and I have actually had initial responses from putting my cv on a job-site on the internet. I am also considering going to the baker of that weird bakery to ask if he would take me in as an apprentice...

Laughing at ourselves

2009-06-01T15:36:00.001+02:00

ADD Jokes How many ADDers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it took several light bulbs and several months to get it done because the ADDer..... Paid for the lightbulb then left it in the shop on the counter. Dropped another light bulb out of a hole in his/her shopping bag didn't notice and ran over it with a truck. Bought the wrong sort of lightbulb because s/he couldn't be bothered checking which sort of light bulb was needed cause that's boring. Left the light bulb under a pile of clothes for several weeks before s/he got around to trying to put it up. Couldn't remember who s/he gave the ladder too so decided they had to go buy another. Took the old light bulb down put it on the floor next to the new light bulb got distracted by an idea in his/her head. Ran to get notebook to write idea down idea forgot about light bulb for an hour as other thoughts came to mind, remembered lightbulb couldn't figure out which was the old light bulb and which was the new light bulb AARRRRRRRRRRRRRGWho invented such an inhuman thing as a light bulb?! Have you heard about the ADD computer virus? It periodically erases your RAM but your computer runs at 1000 000 Mhz and multitasks like a supercomputer! QUESTION: How would they diagnose ADD in a chicken? ANSWER: It never gets all the way across the road because of all the distractions.